I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Page #8

It's not right.

Well, now, look who the Lord has chosen

to deliver unto this happy home.

We need to talk.

-Good gracious, Daniel, your face.

-What happened to you?

-Babe, I'm sorry.

-Sorry?

The wedding is ruined. Look at your face!

Enough, Mom.

Oh, my-- Well, we have to postpone it.

I cannot display your wedding photos

in my house. What will people think?

This isn't about you and your baloney.

Honey, are you okay?

Babe.

God, you just gotta stop letting Tucker

get you into these messes.

Look, I get it.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

You better stop laughing.

-You don't look fine.

-Shut up.

Baby.

Gross. We have to go.

-I'll work you over like I did these guys.

-Yeah?

I killed them.

-Dude, what's good for positive thinking?

-Penance.

Exercise is supposed to be good,

let's play some hoops.

We have class.

That place we pay 35 grand a year

to attend between happy hours.

That place is dumb.

Have you talked to Dan?

I tried calling him a bunch of times,

but he didn't pick up.

What? He's not actually pissed, is he?

Has your id-driven narcissism

completely stripped you...

of the ability to evaluate

the consequences of your actions?

-Dude, this is not that big of a deal.

-Are you drunk?

How have you gotten this far in life

without understanding this stuff?

I'll apologize to him tomorrow

when we get to the hotel.

That way we can be done

with all this bullshit.

God truly does protect children and fools,

because you are both, Tucker.

That guy on the left, he's a vegan.

-Really?

-Look at those abs, Jesus.

No meat, just abs.

This sounds good. Kick his ass.

I'm so tired.

Yay.

It's Tucker. You wanna talk to him?

Hey, is Dan here?

Yo, dude.

Can I come in? Talk?

I'm coming in.

Yo, Dan. Dude.

Sorry.

Whatever.

Okay.

All right, what should I do?

-Apologize sincerely.

-I just did.

Tucker, what kind of fantasy world

do you live in?

One word and a guy head nod

isn't a sincere apology.

What am I supposed to say?

I'm not a mind reader.

Do you understand

the magnitude of the situation?

He lied to me for you.

He landed in jail because you failed

as a friend in every way possible.

-I didn't make him lie to you.

-He lied because he's your friend, Tucker.

-To protect you.

-That's stupid, protect me from what?

From his future wife thinking his best friend

is a selfish, lying son of a b*tch.

Except for you know what?

It's even worse than that.

Because I always knew you were selfish.

Now I worry

that you're this destructive force...

that I can't trust

to protect the man I love.

-It was a bachelor party.

-Tucker, look at me.

You don't understand.

Part of friendship is knowing boundaries.

Do you know what Dan's are?

-Yeah, of course.

-You do?

Yeah.

What? So you just ignored them?

Pushed right past them?

He sacrificed

his line in the sand for you...

and you couldn't sacrifice

a midget vagina for him.

And you wonder why you're not welcome

at our wedding.

I'm not invited?

No, Tucker, you're not.

There's no way. What does Dan say?

You don't get it.

I don't care if you're at our wedding.

It's Dan who doesn't want you there.

F*** it.

It's Tucker.

Thanks.

-What's up?

-What are you doing, man?

Nothing. Lara's here.

Cool, let's all hang out.

Get some drinks.

We can take the stripper dancing.

Yeah, no thanks.

We're just gonna stay in tonight.

We got a long day tomorrow.

Getting p*ssy doesn't mean

you need to be a p*ssy. Let's all hang out.

Yes, Tucker. Insult us

and insistently reassert your initial demand.

-That will make the difference.

-What are you talking about?

You already submarined

one relationship this week.

I'd like a chance to see if mine can float

before you torpedo it, all right?

I gotta go.

F*** them if they can't take a joke.

I have 2 cats. A girl and a boy.

Abigail Lulu Dibiase

and Jersey Lemon Dibiase.

Why do you own cats?

Do you enjoy having big boxes of sh*t

all around your house?

-I clean the litter boxes every day.

-God.

Does it not bother you

how haughty they are?

They could give a f*** about you.

Not my cats.

They're not like regular cats,

they're like dogs.

Now, see, that is right on cue.

Every cat person says that.

Now, you know

what's not like a regular cat?

A f***ing dog.

There's no need to thank me.

The silent, awed adoration

is its own reward.

What you doing?

I'm talking to the turtles.

Are they telling you to kill

that fat girl behind us?

Because that's what

they're telling me to do.

What? How can you be mad about that?

-Fat girls aren't real people.

-How can a man say something like that?

Well, usually I don't say it.

Usually it's my friend Drew.

And then I come in, pick up the girl

on the rebound. But he's not here.

So you're drinking alone?

That's one of the beginning stages

of alcoholism, you know.

I am way past the beginning stages.

I already hide liquor

and drink alone in the dark.

-That's sad.

-No, it isn't.

Think about it.

Drinking is highly underrated.

What are the detriments to drinking?

-I don't know.

-You don't know.

Okay, how about it hurts relationships

with family and friends?

I don't like my family

and my friends drink as much as me.

How about it causes

long-term health problems?

I drive way too fast

to worry about anything long-term.

Now, it costs money. I'll give you that.

But I'm gonna spend my money

recklessly anyway.

Better on alcohol

than on drugs or pornography.

How about it causes

rude and aberrant behavior?

I'm an a**hole when I'm sober,

drinking actually calms me down.

Now, think about its benefits.

Makes me invulnerable to criticism.

Makes ugly people attractive,

boring people interesting.

It makes hot girls like me.

For my money, the choice is obvious.

Motherf***er!

Mongo got angry! Mongo smash!

You just totally blew your chance,

you know.

There you were standing by yourself...

when 2 hot girls

decided to talk to you.

-What hot girls?

-Us!

That was gonna be my question too.

What hot girls?

-God bless your overworked heart.

-Another fat-girl joke.

That really cuts deep.

The only way that I could cut you deep

is with a battleaxe and a running start.

-Yo, yo, did you hear that chick?

-You ever seen Wedding Crashers?

They look like they're a 10

when they're standing there.

What do you mean? You can count

that high? Skinny, fat one, zero?

-Let's go.

-What a d*ckhead.

Nice striped shirt, Luigi.

Hey, Olive Oyl, I can't believe

you picked Bluto over Popeye.

That's f***ed up.

At least I'm not at the bar

drinking by myself.

F*** you, fatty.

I wanted to go the party,

but he didn't call.

Hey, how's it going?

-This is beautiful, this ring is beautiful.

-Thanks.

You married or do you wear that

to keep the douche bags away?

No, I'm actually married.

-Then how good is your marriage?

-Good enough to keep me in it.

-Then what are you doing here?

-Girls' night out.

Come on, isn't that just code for:

"Hey, let's get drunk

and suck off hot guys in the bathroom? "

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes