I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell Page #9

Maybe for the girls you hang out with.

Are you calling my mom a slut?

Does she know you talk like that?

Does your husband know

you flirt with men you meet in bars?

-Does it really f***ing matter?

-No, it doesn't.

You're not gonna invite me in?

-There's only one toilet.

-There's a sink, isn't there?

Do you always hit on women

in the bathroom line?

Nope.

-Only hot ones I want to sleep with.

-You think I'm hot?

Baby, you're so hot, if I were dating you,

I'd never leave the house.

I'd never even leave your vaginal area,

unless I was coming on your face.

You are a naughty little boy.

What makes you think

I'm gonna have sex with you?

Please.

I'm gonna hit it so hard...

whoever pulls me out of you

is gonna become king of England.

-Excuse us.

-Hello.

-You're next, Gertrude.

-Shameful.

F***.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

-Ready?

-Wait.

What the f***?

I gotta take a sh*t.

No, wait. I gotta go first, okay?

-What?

-Baby, wait. I'll just be a second.

F***.

Goddamn.

-What are you doing in there?

-Nothing.

It doesn't sound like nothing. Hurry up!

I'll be right out.

Turn on the fan.

Light a match or something.

F***.

-I'm sorry. No.

-Some air freshener in around here.

-I'm not feeling so good.

-You're okay.

I should go.

-No, no, no, what?

-I'm going.

F***, what is that smell? Holy sh*t.

F***! You clogged it.

You clogged a motherfucking hotel toilet.

What kind of constipated meth-head bowel

movement does it take to clog a hotel toilet?

Sorry.

Hello?

F***.

Thank you very much. Bathroom?

-Where's the bathroom?

-In the main lobby.

Main lobby.

What lobby is--? F*** it.

F***ing sh*t! Where's the bathroom?

Which way is the f***ing...?

No, no, no.

F***.

F***.

F***, no.

Ffuck. F***.

Sh*t.

F***.

F***!

I'm sorry.

God, I hope they serve beer in hell.

You may kiss the bride.

And now will you please rise?

Yep.

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Yep, yep. The biggest one you got.

Okay, thank you very much.

Hold it. Hold it. Good.

This is good. Okay. Can I get you

to move your head a little--?

This time, all she could do

was talk about her and Dan.

They couldn't stop looking at each other

and holding hands.

After that, I knew he was a keeper.

And I was right. I love you, Kristy.

Hey, I'm Jeff.

I'm Dan's older brother and his best man.

Dan and I go way back.

In fact, I kind of feel like

I've known him in my whole life.

When Dan told he'd met the girl

he was gonna marry...

I didn't believe it.

Only a few short years ago,

he was throwing rocks at girls...

and now he is putting

one on her finger.

Oh, God.

I have known Kristy

for a few years now...

and I couldn't ask

for a better sister-in-law.

Here is to my little bro and his bride.

All right, Sling Blade, give me that mike.

Some of you may not know me.

My name is Tucker Max.

Dan's my best friend.

At least he was, until last week when I took

advantage of Dan's kindness and loyalty.

I forced him into lying to Kristy,

dragged him 2 hours away...

got him abusively drunk, and then

ditched him to sleep with a midget stripper.

I am the reason that, on the most

important day of Dan's life...

Dan's face looks like

a melted Barbie doll's.

Just wait.

The worst part is, I didn't know

I was doing anything wrong.

I was just doing what I've always done,

which is pretty much whatever I want.

And to be honest,

it's worked out pretty well for me so far.

Up until about 24 hours ago...

when my selfishness

finally caught up with me...

and cost me Dan's friendship

and my invitation to this wedding.

Still, I shrugged it off

and went out last night anyway.

I'm not gonna bore you,

but the long and short of it is, I got drunk...

and ended the night sprinting

across the hotel lobby...

uncontrollably shitting my pants.

No, really, I crapped all over the lobby.

And continuing

with my selfish behavior...

I left my mess, went back to my

hotel room and acted like nothing happened.

The only thing that kept me

from passing out in a pile of my own puke...

was all the knocking at the door.

Staring into her angry, overworked face,

I had a moment of clarity.

Someone else

always cleans up my mess.

And for the past few years,

that person has been Dan.

At 3 in the morning,

down on my knees...

literally cleaning up my own sh*t

for the first time in my adult life...

I finally understood

what an amazing person Dan is...

and how lucky I am...

or was, to call him my friend.

Dan, Kristy.

When I came to your hotel room last night

to say I'm sorry...

I honestly didn't understand

what I was apologizing for.

But in the last 24 hours, it's hit me.

It's hit me

like 10 pounds of slippery sh*t.

I've been a terrible friend.

And even though I probably don't deserve

either of you in my life...

I had to come down here and tell you

that and ask for your forgiveness.

And I hope you will accept

my sincere apology.

Now....

I know that this is probably gonna scare

the crap out of most of you...

but I hope to have kids someday.

And I'm sure

that I will only have daughters...

and they will all be vicious sluts

who sleep with a**holes like me...

and throw back it in my face.

But such is karma.

If one is a boy, though...

I would consider myself

a huge success as a father...

if he grew up to be half the man

Dan is right now.

That's so sweet.

Strippers.

Dan.

I never thanked you...

never acknowledged you...

never even really thought about it.

I just took from you, dude.

I'm really sorry.

So for once,

I want to give you something back.

-No.

-Here we go, follow me.

Let's go. Get up.

Wedding's going outside.

You're gonna love it. You're gonna love it.

You're gonna love it.

Here we go. Come on, come on.

Yeah. Yeah.

Get it. Go get it.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

All right, it's open.

Tucker, I gotta say,

when you came in here, I almost died.

I didn't know what you were gonna do.

That speech was really good.

Thank you. You guys deserve it.

Yeah, we did.

Come here.

Congratulations.

-Weddings are gay.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

-I am going to go check on the guests.

Well, I'm gonna go check on Jack.

Bye.

All right, you really f***ed a midget?

Yeah.

When she's riding you,

can you spin her like a top?

Dude, I tried, but her vagina's too shallow.

The physics were all wrong.

-Did you really sh*t the lobby?

-Yeah.

Did you really clean it up?

Well, the janitor did show up

with the mop and the bucket.

You guys have known me for many years.

What do you think Tucker would do?

I knew it.

You don't even do your own laundry.

Un-f***ing-believable, bro.

You didn't clean it up.

You show up at my wedding,

pour out your heart, and it's all bullshit.

It's not all bullshit.

I don't need to actually clean up the mess

to learn the lesson.

I don't even know why

this shocks me anymore.

Dude.

I'll be right back.

Careful.

Watch your step.

That's my cousin.

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