I Love You Beth Cooper Page #2

Dude. you know what

l got for graduation?

-No.

-A bill.

Yeah. my dad says l owe

him 233.850 bucks.

A quarter of a million dollars?

And then they expect you

to buy your own shoes.

Yeah. Well. no. that includes 50 grand

for ''wear and tear'' on my mother.

She is pretty worn and torn.

you know.

Yeah.

Well. in any case. l'm sorry

your dad's such a dick.

And it was completely itemized.

very detailed.

Who knew he was

paying attention?

Hey-o.

-Check out the new kicks.

-Oh. cool.

Two paychecks. Very Gene Kelly.

circa 1 945. don't you think?

-Yeah. They're nice.

-Dude.

Don't be so nervous.

She's not gonna come.

l'm not nervous. l'm particular.

There's a difference.

You know what.

they can smell fear.

-No. they can't.

-l can smell it.

-Ooh.

-Ooh.

-Fear.

-Mm.

You know. puberty has done

nothing but screw me.

Dude. what are you doing?

l'm airing out my shirt.

-What?

-Come on.

l don't want a stinky shirt.

Dude. Ha. ha. ha.

Why are you laughing?

This is how you do this.

Hey. Mom. Dad.

Well. it looks like this

party's well underway.

Hola. Mrs. C.

Rich. don't call me Mrs. C.

l mean it.

Now get off the counter.

Oh.

Denis Petey Cooverman.

Iook at you.

You look so cute.

Super cute.

She doesn't mean that.

You look good.

You look cool.

Yeah.

You just might want to lower

the waist of those pants a little bit.

Oh. you're not wearing

those awful underpants.

Mom. God.

l gotta go along with your mom...

...on the lucky underpants. buddy.

What if you do get lucky?

Once she gets to the underpants.

they're a deal breaker.

They are not nice underpants.

He is not wearing those ratty things.

and he's not getting lucky.

Not on my watch.

So. how many people are you

expecting at this shin-dizzle?

-Oh. not too many.

-None.

Well. it wouldn't be a celebration

without champagne.

-Oh.

-Oh. ho. ho. That is negligent.

My dad used to give me

an occasional beer...

...but that was just to

get me to take a nap.

Well. one glass per guest.

And no one who drinks. drives.

And l know exactly how many

bottles are in the wine rack: 23.

Here's all of our numbers.

If an--

lf anybody's dead or on fire.

call 91 1 first.

What's the matter?

Bad advice?

l have to get my purse.

l'll meet you out front.

-Honey. have fun.

- Okay.

Not too much fun.

Not much danger

of that. Mrs. C.

-Bye. Mom!

-Bye. honey.

Denis. Iet me talk to you.

Okay. Iook. This is your

Iast summer before college.

That accelerated

medical program...

...isn't gonna leave time

for parties...

...so l want you to enjoy

this summer.

Okay. yeah. sure. no.

l'll try.

Get out there!

Do all those teen things you

haven't had a chance to do.

That's gonna be hard.

He hasn't done any of them.

You know. this whole teenager

coming-of-age thing. l mean...

...it's a relatively new construct.

They came up with it

in the '50s. so....

lt's okay just

to have fun sometimes.

Sometimes you just have to say.

''What the F.''

Curtis Armstrong. shy Busness.

Except he didn't say ''F.''

he said ''F***.''

You know what l mean.

Carpe dem.

l didn't know you were

such a movie buff. Mr. C.

Robin Williams in

Dead Poets Socety.

Yes. thank you. Thank you.

Rich. We know. It's good.

Come here. please.

There are condoms

in my bedside table.

Do you. like. know exactly

how many there are?

They are not toys.

-Yeah.

-Sure.

l think my dad wants us

to have sex.

-With each other?

-No.

Right.

She should really be here by now.

So your parents use condoms?

Not a topic for discussion.

Ever.

Okay. No. it's okay.

l won't.

l just. yeah. l mean. what.

do you think they're lubed? Or....

lncoming!

Go. go. go!

lt's the trinity.

So where's our boy

in uniform?

He's on our sh*t list.

One of his army buddies was

getting all date-rapey with Treece.

-Oh.

-Oh.

So. where's the party?

This is it.

Here. this location.

Welcome.

Come on in.

Warning. roof may be blown off

due to excessive partying.

Well. go ahead.

princess.

Come on up. Yeah.

Watch your step.

Now entering

the party pod. captain.

Um....

Are we the first ones here?

Yeah.

we are never first.

l've never been

in this house before.

la festa es this way.

m bontas.

Por fayor. sweet and salty

comda for your comesting.

Everything's organic.

The pretzels are fat free.

Are you calling me fat?

What?

No. Not-- No.

Hey. come on. you. fat? Why would

he say that? He's not retarded.

My brother's retarded.

That's-- That was-- That's cold.

You probably don't even

have a brother.

No. he. uh-- He died.

Yeah. that was really--

You got me. that was....

l'm so sorry.

lt was a long time ago. but thanks.

Yeah.

What do you want.

Kevin?

l need beer.

Heh. heh. Yeah. you do.

Uh....

J:

Donde esta la beer

Coovemaster?

My dad doesn't drink beer.

We have champagne.

Ooh. Okay.

Champagne.

Bubbly goodness. Uh....

This is Cristal.

It's the drink of the pimps.

-''The pimps?''

-Mm-hm.

What do you know

about pimps?

Nothing. really.

Mm. Cristal seems to have

changed its logo and spelling.

Champagne makes me

do...things.

Girl. water makes you

do things.

Not regular water.

Ha. ha.

Oh. yeah. okay. l. uh....

Classic.

l told you.

No. l don't.

No!

No. you can't come here.

Yeah. well....

Maybe.

l'm busy right now. Kevin.

l want some of that.

No. l will not tell you

where l am or who l'm with...

...but l will tell you this. Kevin.

l'm drinking champagne.

Yep. And it is coming right....

Aah! Oh. God. Oh.

lt's okay. Oh.

Oh. nothing.

- Yeah.

Pfft. Heh.

l'll get this off here.

Would you hurry up?

Yeah. l'm sorry. It's just....

The internal pressure is 90 pounds

per square inch...

...so l don't really know

what the problem....

Don't you dare GPS me.

Oh. please.

-Are you okay?

- Yeah. l'm great.

l need ice!

Okay. Iet's see.

Frozen peas.

Really? Okay.

And frozen peas.

Frozen peas. Frozen peas.

Anything cold.

Okay. here. Something cold.

Here. come here.

Okay. here we go.

l'm sorry l'm so pathetic.

Let me tell you something:

All boys are pathetic.

Well. then l apologize

on behalf of all boys.

And sorry

for all the wars and stuff.

You're funny.

How does that feel?

Pretty good. l guess.

Did you hurt

your back?

Oh. Hee. hee.

Yeah. l hurt my back.

Ah. Ooh!

Party balloons.

-Those aren't party balloons.

-l know what they are.

So. is this what you

had planned for tonight?

No. those are my dad's.

Your dad's not hiding in

the closet or something?

Oh. l hate that.

This was fun.

- No. come on. Stick around.

Okay. no. you can't go.

No. wait. wait. wait.

l mean. we've still got

wine to drink. 23 bottles.

Oh. wine reminds me

of Jesus.

You know what. Denis.

we really do have to go.

This was a great party. though.

Oh. sh*t. Kevin.

He triangulated

your cell phone.

We're gonna need

more waffles.

Sean. you naughty boy.

No. no. no. no.

-Nobody move.

-Why?

Because he is going to kill me.

The most he's gonna do

is beat you up a little.

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