I Love You Beth Cooper Page #6

Oh. uh. um....

Oh.

kw .

-Hi! Oh. you're so cute!

-Hi. little fella.

-Hey. no. No. that's not food.

Hi. cutie!

That's my shirt.

Okay. so just. uh....

-

He looked at me!

He looked right at me!

He's gonna eat me!

Whoo! Party!

Smells like death in here.

My dad just bought all this stuff.

He's never killed anything.

They are kind of cute. huh?

Rawr.

Dude. you look ridiculous.

Well. what am l supposed

to do? l don't....

Treece. darling...

...would you get this lovely lady

something to wear?

Yeah. try the bedroom.

Okay. who wants a drink?

-l do. please.

-l want one.

Vodka! Hee. hee.

Okay. a toast.

You know what's weird?

l didn't give this to him.

Anyway. to the world's

greatest night.

-Yeah.

-Whoo!

-Wow.

Look. it's almost morning.

Does anyone wanna come

watch the sunrise with me?

Yeah.

Hey.

Hey. can l ask

you something?

What?

lt's about your brother.

What about him?

What was his name?

David.

What was he like?

He was already sick

when l was born.

Died when l was 2.

He was 1 2.

l don't remember him

at all.

There's this picture of me

visiting him at the hospital...

...and it's like he's

just some sick kid.

lt's the big. dramatic tragedy

of my life. and l wasn't even there.

-

Yeah. but you were there.

l mean. maybe

you don't remember...

...but l'll bet it

meant a lot to him.

Thank you.

That was very sweet.

''Say hello to my little friend!''

-Ha. ha. ha.

-Wow.

What?

Scarface. Pacino.

'82. De Palma.

Look.

''Fill your hands.

you son of a b*tch!''

What?

lt's John Wayne.

It's John Wayne. 1 969. True Grt.

Oh. my God!

l peed. l peed. l peed!

No. it's not--

It's not that funny.

No. it is. because you....

Why. because you think l'm gay?

You think incorrectly.

The lady doth protest

too much. methinks.

What?

Like you know Shakespeare.

Queen Gertrude to

Hamlet. Act Ill. Scene 2...

...1 602. William Shakespeare.

or possibly Edward de Vere.

Wow.

That's.... Wow.

Yeah.

Wow. Iook at the sun.

lt's so big and pretty.

Well. that's an optical illusion.

There are certain things

that appear larger.. .

...in context to the objects

around them.

You know everything.

Denis Cooverman.

No. no. not everything.

There are some things l don't know.

Multiple things.

Well. l'll tell you one thing

you know nothing about.

When a girl says the

sunrise is big or pretty...

...you know what you say?

Not what l said.

presumably?

You don't say anything.

You just put your arm

around her.

You know. just something

for future reference.

For future reference.

l'll remember that.

lf you're not gay. why so

unchubby in the shower?

Heh. heh. l--

l was just being cool.

lt was uncool of you

to notice.

No 1 8-year-old boy

is that cool.

l am that cool.

Nobody cares if you're gay.

l'm not.

Nobody cares.

so just be gay already!

You. Richard Munsch.

have never been with a woman.

Never been with one.

Wha...?

Um....

Watch....

And learn.

That's nice. it's nice. Yeah.

-You cool?

-Uh... .

Long as everyone else

is cool.

Hey. there is my chest hair.

Yeah. l'm liking that.

l am. uh....

Yeah. definitely reacted

to that.

Uh....

Hey. this is. wow. great.

you know. really top-notch...

...but l left my latex sheaths

back at the house. so....

That's okay.

Treece's got some.

don't you. Treece?

l've got gobs.

Gobs?

Well. that was expedient.

But at least we know

you're not gay.

-Yeah. tell that to my dad.

-What's his number?

So do you still love me?

-

Yeah.

Am l everything you've

ever masturbated to?

No. it's not like that

with you.

l mean. you're different

than l imagined.

You're real.

And scary.

[LAUGHING]

And exciting and fun.

But l thought you said

this wasn't fun.

All my memories from

high school are from tonight.

You gotta get out more often.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Where are you

going to college?

NYU.

-What are you majoring in?

-Acting.

-Shut up. Shut up!

-Mm-hm. Yeah.

-Me too.

-Really?

-Yeah. and directing.

-Wow.

lf you wanna be an actress.

why weren't you in Drama Club?

-Social survival.

-That's a good call.

Mm-hm.

So who is your

favorite director?

Hello.

it was a threesome.

Wow.

l know high school

wasn't great for you.

No. it was...

...completely awful.

You see. the thing is.

high school was great for me.

l had a great. great ride.

And now it's over.

You. you're gonna go off

and become a doctor...

...and cure cancer or whatever

new diseases there are.

But this?

This is about it for me.

Everything in my life from here

on out is just gonna be...

...ordinary.

Wow.

That's such...

...bullshit.

Heh.

Because the Beth Cooper

l know?

The one that l now know...

...is the most alive person

l've ever met.

The Beth Cooper l know...

...she's not gonna have

an ordinary life.

She's gonna have an amazing life.

Slightly insane...

...but never uninteresting...

...always ass-kicking...

...life.

How do you know that?

Because l'm a very smart guy.

All right.

thank you very much.

All right.

thank you very much.

Any luck?

No. they can't

send anyone out till next week.

Explain this to me:

How do you put

a microwave into the wall?

God only knows.

Oh. hi. l need to get

my kitchen repaired.

Haven't l seen that car before?

Oh!

Denis!

What happened to you?

l'm okay. l'm okay.

l can't talk about this.

l'm gonna go make pancakes.

Or did she already

make you breakfast?

Wow.

-l talked to your dad. Rich.

-Yeah?

You might wanna hang out here

for the rest of the day.

-Okay.

-And tomorrow.

-Okay.

-You know. just until it's safe.

Got it. Thanks.

-l hope you had fun.

-l did.

You know we have to

punish you. somehow?

Yeah. Figured that.

What do they do these days?

Do they still ground you?

-l don't even know.

-l don't know either.

But...

...whatever it is.

it was worth it.

Let's not tell

your mother that.

Yeah.

-We can discuss it inside.

-Okay.

So....

Good luck with Stanford

and everything.

Yeah. You know.

you too. with everything.

We should do this again

sometime.

Sure.

Yeah. sure.

You're getting better at that.

l was bad before?

Thank you...

...for loving me.

What's not to love?

You remember that.

Hey. Beth.

-See you at the reunion.

-Yes.

lf we're both still single.

l'll marry you.

That's a promise.

My lady.

-

Drive safe.

-So guess what?

-Hm?

l think l'm gay.

Yeah?

Oh. that's great.

congratulations!

Dude.

l'm not gay for you.

Yeah. no. l know.

-You know. l could be bi.

- Bi?

l was with two

gorgeous ladies last night.

That's a lot more

heterosexual than you.

- Well. hey.

l did kiss Beth Cooper.

Now you gotta

take it to the next level.

- l will. l'm not really

gonna wait for the reunion.

l'll leave a message on Facebook.

ask her out.

No. it has to be

a grand gesture.

- Like what?

You know where she lives.

Go to her house.

bring a boom box. wait for her.

-

That's stalking. Rich.

No. it's not stalking

if you love the person.

Grab her and take her someplace

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