I Think I Love My Wife Page #3

But you are gonna eat lunch, right?

So I'll be there at 2:00.

Okay?

Okay.

Good.

Bye.

(button tone sounds)

MAN:

Excuse me, miss, there's no smoking.

Okay, I'm putting it out.

I live on the West Side with Teddy.

He has a place here

and in D.C.,

although most of my stuff is in D.C.

So how'd you meet Teddy from D.C.?

He's a club promoter.

I met him out.

You know how it goes.

Yeah.

So do I know your wife?

I don't think so.

Is she white?

No.

Why-why would you ask that?

( chuckles)

Don't get offended.

Remember that girl you brought

to Andre's party?

- It was one girl at one party.

- (laughs)

L-I go out with

one white girl,

all of a sudden, I'm Prince?

No, it was just a question.

I didn't mean anything by it.

So do you and your black wife

still f***?

And what's it to you?

Mmm, just curious.

Most of the people I know

who are still married

say that after a while,

they don't f***.

So do you love Teddy?

You didn't answer my question.

'Cause it's none

of your f***ing business.

I'll take that as a no.

(laughs)

So, Mr. Married Man,

how did you meet

this black wife of yours?

You don't want to know.

No, I do.

Sort of.

( chuckles)

I was...

coming from a meeting,

I was walking by the park,

and she was there

with her class,

this beautiful woman

with these kids.

I don't know-

there was just something

really calm about her.

And I was like, "I got to meet her."

NI KKl:
Wow.

( chuckling):
I guess I was wrong.

You do love your wife.

I've thought about it.

Doing the whole wife thing,

having kids.

I'm getting a little old

for the club scene.

I don't even know how you do it.

Hanging out late,

- eating cheeseburgers at 4:00 in the morning.

- God...

Come on.

You used to love this sh*t.

You just let yourself get old.

I just let myself get bored.

This was fun.

We should do this again.

Yeah. Maybe.

Okay.

RICHARD:

Saturday is the one day

I like to sit in my house and relax.

Unfortunately,

it's also the same day

that Brenda likes to go

into Manhattan and shop.

Brenda didn't like

living in the city,

but she sure liked

buying her clothes there.

Honey, why don't you get these?

I like them.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, let's

find your size

so that you can wear them.

Ah, come on, we drove

all the way to the city.

You could've got those

at the Panty Depot.

Oh, come on.

No, I like these.

- And they're comfortable, and they're cute.

- Richard?

Richard.

( chuckles)

I thought you lived in Westchester.

- What are you doing here?

- Hey.

Nikki, Brenda.

Brenda, Nikki.

- Hi.

- Hi.

( chuckles)

Nikki's an old friend.

Uh, what's it been,

like, seven, eight years?

At least.

Uh, Nikki used to date

Nelson, remember?

Yes. Yes!

( chuckling):
Right.

And who is this handsome guy?

Oh, well, that's my Brian.

And that's Kelly.

KELLY:
Hi.

She's gorgeous.

Of course, like her mom.

Thank you.

Say, "thank you," Kelly.

KELLY:
Thank you.

These are great.

Where did you get these?

Is this the Heavenly Collection?

No, they're from

the Latifah Collection.

( chuckling):
Okay.

Stop.

Um, actually,

I don't know what they are.

But I got them downstairs.

Well, I should go pay for these.

( chuckles)

Um, it was really nice to meet you.

Yes.

And it was great

seeing you, Richard.

Oh, great to see you.

Guys.

KELLY/BRIAN:
Bye-bye.

So she's the

one that, uh,

Nelson tried to kill himself over?

Yeah, he-he was going

through a lot back then.

Huh.

Yeah, guess he was.

I'm gonna take these back.

RICHARD:
Okay, that was a lie.

But big deal.

I mean, nothing happened.

Nikki's a friend.

An old friend.

I mean, I've known Nikki

longer than I've known Brenda.

She used to date Nelson.

We had a lot of fun together.

I mean, sh-she makes me laugh.

Th-There's nothing

wrong with that, right?

Nikki's an old friend,

a good friend.

A friend I can't tell my wife about.

Morning, Richard.

- Nikki called.

- Five minutes ago.

She said she'll be by at 6:00.

Is there something wrong?

No.

- Nothing.

- Nothing at all.

Wall sconces?

Well, they're not expensive

and we can get an electrician

to put them in.

What do you think of art deco?

Art deco's fine.

NI KKl:
Hey.

Okay, if we go with art deco,

we might have to reupholster

the couch.

I thought we were

talking about wall sconces.

Well, they have to match, honey.

If they don't match,

then I got to change the rug.

- If I have to change the rug...

- I guess you're right.

Uh, honey, could we talk

about this later?

(school bell rings)

Yes. Look, I have to go-

it's parent-teacher night.

I fixed you a plate, so just

heat it up when you get home.

Okay. So I'll-I'll

talk to you later.

(sighs)

Wall sconces.

Sounds fun.

When exactly do you start

getting calls at work

about wall sconces?

Right after you get married.

I mean, before you get married,

you get calls like...

I can't wait to suck your dick.

Then, after you get married,

you get calls like...

I can't wait for you

to come home

and see these drapes.

Poor Mr. Married Man.

I hope you don't mind me

stopping by like this,

but I bought something

for your kids.

I haven't been able to stop

thinking about you guys.

Hey, you didn't have

to get me anything.

I know.

Thanks.

This stuff's expensive.

Oh, don't worry about it.

I put it on Teddy's credit card.

So now I owe Teddy some money.

(laughs)

So you're the expert-

what do you think?

Would I make a good wife?

Nikki, you don't want to be a wife.

Why?

You want a wedding.

You want the show.

Mm-hmm.

What are you looking at?

You have any singles?

Yeah, I should have

about seven, eight bucks.

What do you need?

Just give me all of it.

All right, I'm gonna have

to break into my stripper stash.

What are you doing?

Feeding the fish.

Come here.

Look.

Okay, who is gonna get it?

Oh, look at this guy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoo..!

Shh!

It's just a dollar.

It's just a dollar.

It's just a buck.

- This is decadent.

- Try it.

All right.

All right, here we go.

Whoo!

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Yeah!

You're going to cause a riot.

Well done!

(laughing)

Yes!

Oh, wow!

(laughing)

Ooh, look at the homeless guy.

Oh, get the mon...

Oh, he needs it.

Never gonna get it.

Nope. Going too slow.

Come on, homeless guy.

You need that money.

Get it.

- Nope.

- Oh!

White man wins again.

(groans)

RICHARD:
That was fun.

That was too much fun.

You know what?

I better take my wife

out to dinner

and get the stench of fun

with another woman off of me.

BRENDA:
I don't even want to go that way, :

You can't go down the FDR.

- WOMAN:
Oh, God, no.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes