I Think I Love My Wife Page #4

- It's insane.

RICHARD:
Okay, this is safe.

Dinner with Allan and Jennifer.

Once you get married,

you only hang out

with other married people.

Why?

'Cause no single person

could stand to be around you.

It wasn't always like this.

We all used to talk

about sex, politics, art.

But now, all we ever

talk about is our kids.

Of course, I had

to miss the end,

because I had a little

exploding diaper problem.

And when it's not our kids,

it's always the same conversation.

First, there's the rap conversation.

...hos, hos, hos

in different area codes.

I'm kind of wondering,

did anybody have a nice mama?

Was it a situation

where their mama

smacked them

upside their head,

and they said, "B*tch!"

Then there's the conversation

about theJews.

They had it just as bad as us.

Black folks need

to take care of themselves

just as well as theJews

take care of themselves.

Except we can't stick together-

that's the problem.

We're too busy buying

spinning rims and gold teeth.

You think Steven Spielberg

got spinning rims?

And no group of people

are too sophisticated to have

a conversation

about Michael Jackson.

I blameJoe.

ALLAN:

Please, what grown-ass man

sleeps in a bed with kids?

MichaelJackson

just didn't have a childhood.

Hey, man, childhood's only

Michael's, like, 50.

How many sliding boards

does this nigga need?

You know good and well you would not

let that man babysit your kids.

I wouldn't let MichaelJackson

watch my kids on TV.

- Amen.

- (laughter)

Maybe he thought

the little boy was 18.

ALLAN:

You can't confuse the little boy.

Give me a break.

J ENNI FER:

Just yesterday, little Sharon

came into the room

singing "Magic Stick."

I said, "Magic Stick"? Little

girl, you're four years old.

What do you know

about a magic stick?"

Can I take your drink orders?

BRENDA:
Honey?

Uh, you know what?

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Honey, can you just

get me some water?

ALLAN:
Think I'll take a ginger ale.

J ENNI FER:
I'll have a Chardonnay.

Okay.

Excuse me, can I talk

to you for a second?

Is there a problem, sir?

Yes, there's a problem.

See, I came here

for a lovely dinner

with my wife

and some friends,

and next thing I know

is I got these big tits

asking me if I want a drink.

Do you mean your waitperson?

Listen, man, I'm with my wife.

I don't need this sh*t.

I don't need some girl, with

her big-ass village feeders,

asking me if I need some help.

Is this Hooters?

No, sir.

- Is it Hooters?

- No, sir.

I know this ain't Hooters,

'cause-'cause if it is,

you owe me some

f***ing buffalo wings.

(whispering):

Sir, what can I do to make this better?

See that guy right there?

Yes, I do.

That's my waiter.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you.

(GIRLS LAUGHING)

STEVEN:

Hey there, guys!

I just wanna give it a shot!

LANDIS:

I noticed something, George!

RICHARD:

I know what you understand?

STEVEN:

I will give some answers!

Okay, you have darts tipped

with poison?

Darts tipped for everything?

TEDDY:

No!

STEVEN:

Well, you're not giving me

much to work with!

I will come up with something.

(slow R&B beat playing)

(man, backup singers singing)

(singing continues faintly in headphones)

What are you doing here?

You okay?

So he just got up

and said, "It's over"?

No, you don't understand.

If we're f***ing and I

fall asleep, that's fine.

If we're f***ing

and we both fall asleep,

that's okay, too,

but if we're f***ing

and you fall asleep,

it's-it's f***ed up!

He didn't say it's over,

but I know it's over.

You-you got to excuse her;

she's upset.

The f*** are you looking at?!

Our stop's coming up.

RICHARD:

When Nikki came by to see me in the afternoon,

it wasn't really a big deal.

But when we walked through

the office at 9:
00 a. M...

Good morning.

... people looked at me

like I was crazy.

I mean crazy.

It's like we've been

breaking up for months,

and I'm just finding out

about it now.

Well, that's how relationships are.

You add how long

you been together,

and then you divide it by two,

and that's how long

you been breaking up.

So if you get a divorce

after 20 years,

you been breaking up for ten.

That's right.

So can I stay with you

for a couple days?

Nikki, my wife...

(laughing)

Oh...

I'm just playing with you.

( chuckles)

You should see the look

on your face right now.

Okay, I'm not trying to get rid

of you, Nikki, but I really...

iPod.

(laughs)

You got some nigga ears.

Nigga what?

Some old-ass nigga ears.

Look at this, Levert, Patti

LaBelle, Luther Vandross.

You know, white people

make music, too.

I got George Michael.

Doesn't count.

Okay, I'm gonna

give you my iPod,

and you are gonna give me yours.

Okay.

When you get a chance,

I want you to listen to that song.

Can I get back to work now?

JACOB:

What do you mean?

I suggested you stop it right now...

Fine.

(man singing soft rock)

(singing continues )

(singing continues)

(singing ends)

(rap music playing

through headphones)

# F*** the cracker,

that's what I say #

#And f*** these b*tches

that always want to play #

# I'm the type of nigga

that's never gay #

# If you f*** with me, I'll

put your head in cake... #

( clears throat)

(people conversing

indistinctly in distance)

I think he might be off the phone.

- (door opens)

- Richard.

That girl is here to see you.

Well, just send her in.

Richard...

...can I ask you something?

Hi.

It can wait.

I don't think your

secretaries like me.

Hey, they don't like me, either.

You know, if you keep

showing up like this,

we're gonna have

to get you a job here.

People are gonna start talking.

Oh, let them talk.

I need you to do me a favor.

Can you come uptown with

me to look at a place?

You know, l-I got

a lot of work to do.

I got to get

out ofTeddy's,

and... he's supposed

to be out of town.

I'd like to be out by

the time he gets back.

Are you okay?

Can you come with me?

Yeah, yeah.

- Let me just check.

- Okay.

Tracy, what's my rest

of the day look like?

You and George have a

conference call at 3:00.

Damn. George!

Yeah?

You need me for that call at 3:00?

I do. Why?

I got to do something.

I mean, l-I should be back,

but if I'm not,

you can handle it, right?

Yeah, I got it, don't worry.

Hi, I'm George.

- Nikki.

- Nice to meet you.

Likewise.

So, I'll see you later?

You tell me.

RICHARD:

You sure this is what you want?

NI KKl:
It's what I can afford.

So, where do you work?

I'm a hostess at a place downtown

called The White Bar.

Oh, that's nice.

( clears throat) Well, here you go.

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