If I Had My Way Page #4

Oh, I think I understand.

This should probably be West

instead of East.

Oddly enough, there's another

J.B. Johnson on West 56th street,

and people frequently

confuse us.

We're always getting

each other's mail.

Oh, I guess we wound up

on the wrong side of town.

Sorry we broke in on you

like this. Don't apologize.

It's a perfectly

natural mistake.

Well, I guess

we'd better be going.

Come on, Pat. Axel.

Well, so long, I'm sorry we bothered

you. That's quite all right. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

Well, anyway, it was nice to

see how the other half lives.

What will we do now, Buzz?

Well, we'll make a phone call.

It's no use trekking

halfway across town

until we know what we're doing.

We can phone in here.

Shall we go out

on the terrace, Brenda dear?

Thank you, Jarvis. I'd adore it.

How do you do? Hello.

What'll you have, young lady?

Two chocolate sundaes

with plenty of nuts, please.

Yes, ma'am.

Two?

Sure. One for me

and one for Crack.

That squirrel is gonna eat us

out of the house and lot.

I'll have a sundae, too.

Hello, is this J.B. Johnson?

My name is Blackwell.

There you are.

Come on, Crack.

There's your lunch. Don't you dare try to

hide any of that ice cream for the winter.

I bet that squirrel never got

anything like that out in the woods.

Say, he's a cute

little fellow, ain't he?

Never served a squirrel before. No,

but I bet you've served plenty of nuts.

Say, that's a good joke,

ain't it? I don't get it.

Well, I'm certainly glad

we found you.

Oh, great.

Wait till you see her.

Okay. We'll be right over.

Goodbye.

Well, there's no mistake this time. Come

on, hurry up. They're waiting for you.

What about these? Bring

them along with you. Come on.

Well, here we are. Come on.

Don't give up now. There

are only a few more steps.

Well, here we are. I'm glad to see

you. I'm Joe Johnson, Mr. Blackwell.

I'm Blackwell.

This is Mr. Swenson.

Hello. Hello.

I don't have to tell you who this

is. Pat, this is your granduncle Joe.

Hello, Uncle Joe. Pat.

I haven't seen you

since you were that big.

You remember that, don't you?

Wait till your Aunt Marian sees

you. Come on in. Come on in.

Marian. Marian!

Marian.

Make yourselves right

at home, boys. Thanks.

She's liable to faint

when she sees you.

Marian, where are you?

Yes, here I am.

Why, this isn't...

You don't mean to tell me

that you are...

Are you really Pat?

I guess I am, Aunt Marian.

Well, bless your heart.

And this is Mr. Blackwell and Mr.

Swenson. I'm happy to know you.

How do you do?

Let me look at you, darling.

Oh, you're your mother

all over again.

Now, now, now,

none of that, Marian.

You two ladies run along and leave

us men to cut up a few touches.

Come on, dear.

What does that mean,

"Cutting up touches?"

When women do it, it's gossiping,

but men have a fancy name for it.

Come on, dear.

Gentlemen, be seated. May I

have your hat, Mr. Blackwell?

Everybody calls me Buzz. Well,

that's fine. Then it's Buzz and Joe.

And Axel, and this is Crack.

Hiya, Crack.

Well, I'm glad we finally got here, but

I'm sorry we had to bring you bad news.

You brought me Pat,

and she's good news.

I'm sorry I didn't know

you were coming,

or I'd have thrown a big party

at the Ritz.

For a while, we thought Pat

was going to step into society.

Yes. We went to a house near the water,

but the water was in the wrong river.

What?

Well, he means we went to

940 East 56th street

and found the wrong J.B. Johnson.

He seemed to know you, though.

He should know me. I'm

his uncle. His uncle?

So, let me get this straight.

You mean there was no mistake?

That's where

we were supposed to go?

The J.B. Johnson you met is

Fred's brother.

Why, he denied knowing Pat. He

didn't even give us a tumble.

If a dog did that,

I'd say he wasn't human.

I can't understand it. I don't

get it. It's the old story.

A family divided against itself.

I split up with them

when I went into vaudeville.

In those days, society people

wouldn't touch an actor with a fork.

But where do Jarvis and Fred come in?

Well, Fred married an actress, too.

And that's when

Jarvis got on his high horse.

He's certainly a lovable

character, that fellow Jarvis.

I can't imagine Fred sending

Pat to him instead of to you.

Well, I guess Fred knew

I wasn't doing so well.

My, my. What a strange

quince-a-quince.

You and your nephew living on the

same street and with the same number.

The coincidence is that with all

the Johnsons living in New York,

that stuffed shirt had to be my

nephew. Yeah, you could say that again.

Oh, by the way, here's a picture

of Fred's wife when they first met.

She was a great girl, Buzz,

and sing, ah!

I know who that is.

That's my mother.

That's who it is, honey.

She was pretty, wasn't she.

Buzz? Yeah, she sure was, Pat.

Here's the song your mother

sang when she wore that dress.

Little Grey Home In The West.

I know that.

Why don't you sing it?

Shall I? Sure, go ahead.

When the golden sun

sinks in the hills.

And the toil of a long day

is o'er.

Though the road may be long.

In the lilt of a song.

I forget I was weary before.

Far ahead,

where the blue shadows fall

I shall come

to contentment and rest.

And the toils of the day.

Will be all charmed away.

In my little gray home

of the west.

There are hands

that will welcome me in.

There are lips

I am burning to kiss.

There are two eyes that shine.

Just because they are mine.

And a thousand things

other men miss.

It's a corner of heaven itself.

Though it's only

a tumble-down nest.

But with love

brooding there.

Why no place can compare.

With my little gray home

in the west.

Oh, wasn't that swell?

Oh, darling, that was wonderful.

Well, come on, everybody. I've

got a little snack for you.

Oh, boy, when you mention

snack, you got me automatically.

Everything's all right now,

isn't it, Buzz?

Yeah, honey, I know we got

the right Johnsons this time.

Come and get it. Hurry up now.

Good afternoon, sir.

How are you?

Say, who do I talk to

about stocks?

Why, that'd be Mr. Melville,

our investment adviser.

Just have a seat, sir,

and I'll see if he's busy.

Thank you.

What's an investment adviser,

Buzz?

Oh, he's a fellow that

advises you what stocks to buy.

You know,

tells you how to get rich.

If he knows how to get rich,

why does he have to work?

He probably went broke

taking his own advice.

Is he going to make us rich,

Buzz? Well, not exactly.

You see, I got some stocks

here that your daddy left.

I want to find out

if they're worth anything.

Mr. Melville will see you now,

sir. He's right over there.

Oh, thank you. Hold the fort, will

you, Pat? I'll be back in a flash.

With a flash.

Oh, so it's Pat, is it?

Well, I'm happy to know

anyone with a name like that.

Hello. Hello, yourself.

Hello, Pat. How do you do?

Good afternoon, sir. The young

lady's name is Pat, too, sir.

Isn't it?

Yes. It's short for Patricia.

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