If I Had My Way Page #5

Oh, I see. Well, I'm John Blair.

Tell me, what do you think

of our little bank?

It's very nice. I've never

been in a bank before.

What are those people doing?

Well, some are depositing

and some are withdrawing.

Withdrawing what? Money.

That's what a bank is for,

my dear.

All day long, they're putting

money in and taking money out.

It sounds like a good business.

Yes. It sounds like a good business.

Does he work here? Work here?

Mr. Blair is the general manager.

He runs the whole shebang.

I'm sorry, Mr. Blackwell, but

this stock isn't listed anymore.

What does that mean? I'm

afraid it means it's worthless.

Well, I'll just hold onto it

awhile. It might come back some day.

Not that stock. That's gone with the

wind. It's pretty though, isn't it?

Well, thank you for your

trouble. No trouble at all.

Is it true that money talks?

You can't prove it by me, I've

never even heard it whisper.

Well, are we rich? No, but

we've still got our health.

What do we do now, Buzz?

We go home and relax.

When in doubt what to do,

do nothing.

I'll have to teach

that one to Axel.

It says here that vaudeville

is absolutely coming back.

Now, when that happens,

we'll be on easy street again.

I hope it comes back

before suppertime.

Another pound of meat

wouldn't hurt this stew.

Well, stretch it.

You've stretched them before.

If I stretch this anymore,

I'll break it.

Hello, everybody. We're home.

Something smells good.

What's cooking?

It's stew. But don't ask me what's in it.

I hope it isn't

our little squirrel.

Hello, Aunt Marian.

Well, there they are, Joe.

Just a pocketful of dreams.

No good, eh?

No, some stocks you can

put away and forget about.

Those you just forget about.

Hello, people. Have I got news.

Tonight, everybody must have

a good appetite for dinner.

How come?

Because if you don't,

Gustav will be mad at me.

Gustav who? Gustav

Erickson. He is my friend.

But why should he get mad if

we don't have good appetites?

Because he might think

you don't like his food.

You can't insult the host,

you know. Now, wait a minute.

Start all over.

Begin right at the beginning.

Well, 15 years ago,

I'm on a farm in Minnesota.

Who is my neighbor? Wisconsin.

Don't be silly. My neighbor is

Gustav Erickson.

I called him Pudding-face.

An aristocrat, huh?

Oh, no. He's a Swede, too.

Well, anyway, I move away and I don't

see him for 15 years until today.

And what do you think he

is now? He is still a Swede.

Right.

And he owns a Swedish restaurant

and he invited us all to dinner.

Marian, save the stew.

Mrs. Johnson, tonight you're

going to have a Swedish dinner.

You see,

you start with a smorgasbord.

That's a little bit

of everything, but lots of it.

Good. And then... And then...

Bottoms up.

I didn't get the first part,

but bottoms up is my language.

Axel, your face are got more fatter

and your stomach more flatter.

But other than that,

you didn't change a bit.

Ain't that funny, Buzz, Gustav

is in America longer than me

and he still speaks

with an accent.

Well, that's the best food I ever

ate. How do you spell smorgasbord?

Oh, Joe.

I can't figure it out.

I know that with food like yours, people

ought to be fighting to get in here.

Yeah. You know that and I know that,

but with everybody else, it's a secret.

Last week, my business was so bad,

my doorman was arrested for vagrancy.

Is it really that bad?

Yeah, worse.

Nobody don't even

picket the place anymore.

Pudding-face, I told you, you

should never leave the farm.

Why don't you sell the place

and go back to Minnesota?

Sell the place? Sure.

But who wants to buy a restaurant

where you can shoot cannons off

without hitting a customer?

Maybe we find you a sucker.

Looks like the pessimistic

character's got him, Buzz.

Yeah. The...

Pat thinks Old Man Gloom must

be weighing you down, Gustav.

Well, she's right and I don't

know how to shake him off.

Well, that's the simplest thing

in the world. Hey, Maestro?

Yeah? Do you know The

Pessimistic Character?

We know everything.

Well, come on over here and give

us a helping of it, will you?

One thing about songwriters,

no matter what ails you,

they've got a remedy.

Yeah.

All right, boys,

get me into this, will you?

Be kind and gentle

Polite and nice.

But with Old Man Gloom

take this advice.

Throw him out the window

He can't stay.

How did he get in here anyway?

What do we want with him

around the place?

The pessimistic character

with the crab-apple face.

When he hears a joke

he always cries.

When there's any fun

he darn near dies.

What do you say we laugh

at his sad case?

The pessimistic character

with the crab-apple face.

He's never welcome

anywhere he goes.

Let him stay where he belongs.

In a book of Edgar Allen Poe's.

Why don't we lose him?

We'll wrap him

in a blanket carefully.

And throw him out the window

a-one, a-two, a-three.

It'll be great to wear

a grin and chase.

The pessimistic character

with the crab-apple face.

Right!

Never let him get you all alone.

He's the worst companion

ever known.

Don't know

how to keep a merry pace.

The pessimistic character

with the crab-apple face.

Yohnny Yohnson bought a yackass

His brother yumped for yoy

'Cause he named the yackass

Yenny and the yackass was a boy.

By yiminy, said Yohnny who's

to blame for this disgrace.

The pessimistic character

with the crab-apple face.

He's no good at dancing.

He can't sing,

he despises rainbows.

He hates Spring Why do we

want him in the human race?

The pessimistic character

with the crab-apple face.

He's got a handshake

just like a lemon peel.

He's the soul of discontent

with the disposition of a heel.

He's a sourpuss.

He's no good at dancing.

He can't sing.

He despises rainbows.

He hates Spring.

Why do we want him

in the human race?

The pessimistic character

with the crab-apple face.

Well, I hate to be a wet blanket, but

I think we're keeping the place open.

Have some more punch.

Oh, I pass. One more punch, I'd be groggy.

Don't coax them, Pudding-face.

I stay and keep you company.

Attaboy, Axel, you stay here

and cut up a few touches.

Yeah. We touch up a few cuts.

Goodbye, Mr. Erickson, and

thanks a lot. Don't mention it.

It's a pleasure to see a few faces,

even if one of them is Axel's.

Good night.

Good night, Mr. Erickson.

Thanks so much. Good night.

Good night, little squirrel.

I see you later.

Yeah, I hope you can see later.

Good night. Good night.

By jiminy!

This is just like old times.

You remember my sister Lena?

Oh, yes.

She has got eight kids now.

If I could sell this place,

I'd go back to Minnesota.

Pudding-face,

I wish I could help you.

I only got a few friends

and you're most of them.

Buzz is my friend, too.

Yeah, Buzz is a nice fellow.

I like him, by golly.

You, too? Then, come on.

Let's drink a toast to Buzz.

Yeah, to Buzz.

Well, goodbye, old friend.

Goodbye.

I think I go home.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes