If Lucy Fell Page #3

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Great.

Oh, f***.

Okay, okay! Okay.

F***.

Hey, Al.

Good morning.

How you doin', buddy?

She's in there, right?

No, she's not in there.

Oh, come on. You saw her go in.

No, I didn't see her.

I'm gonna talk to her today.

Yeah, I heard that before.

You are my best friend, man.

Yeah, yeah. I love you.

Yeah. I love you too.

Yeah, yeah. Eat sh*t.

Okay, here we go. Good.

How you been?

Good. And you?

Fine. Long time no see you.

Uh, tell me something. Do you... Do

you reckon these things really work?

Just talk to her, man.

You gotta f***in' talk to her!

What are these for? Ginseng.

They is for men.

What does it do for men?

You know.

Okay. What does it

do for women?

You just walk over,

and you talk to the woman.

Okay? It's not

a big production,

it doesn't have to be

all dramatic all the time.

You just walk over and you...

And you die.

You walk over and you die,

because you're so...

Here you go. See you.

Thanks, guys. Have a good one.

Bye-bye. Bye.

Hi!

It's bad.

"Hi!"

Shut up!

"Hi!"

Look, Lucy. Come on.

I said I'd kill myself up

here with you in three weeks,

the least thing you can do

is do my picnic thing.

I mean, we might as well get

used to the place, you know?

What if people see us?

I hate this, Joe.

I'm freezing. I'm very cold.

Lucy, I think if we jump, people are gonna see.

You know what I mean?

Hot chocolate? Thank you.

So you were telling me

that you spoke to Jane?

Uh, yes. I did.

Really? What'd she say?

Nothing. She had left

the deli already.

Oh, Joe.

Come on. It was close, Lucy.

Anyway, listen, I don't know what I was thinking.

I thought of a genius plan.

What's that?

I have an art opening.

I invite her. She comes.

She sees how huge I am.

She's mine.

Oh, that's very sweet.

You know me, baby.

This is nice.

Thank you.

It's pretty.

Joe?

Yeah?

Would you drink my spit?

Oh, come on! Can you just take your

weird survey somewhere else? Please.

Please answer the question.

All right. I'm gonna

answer your question,

but this is the last time I

ever want to talk about this.

The last time. Forever.

Okay. You swear?

All right, now, what

are you talking about?

You know Mother Teresa and the

missionaries, they drink the lepers' spit?

Yeah.

I was just wondering

if you'd drink mine.

Now, now, how would we actually do it, again?

I mean, you would just...

I would just open my mouth and

you'd just spit right in there?

Or would you spit in a cup and

I'd just drink it out of a cup?

No, no. I'd be, like...

You know, I'd pucker my lips, and I'd

gather the spit in my lips like this:

Like that, you know? And then you'd

kiss me, and you'd suck it up.

Um...

No, I don't think

I'd be interested in that.

Really? Yeah.

What, you don't love me enough?

Of course I love you.

It's not that.

But you, you don't really

want to kiss me.

You're gorgeous. I'd make

out with you right now.

I just don't wanna

drink your spit.

Well, when people kiss a lot, they

basically drink each other's spit.

I know.

But that, that's different.

That's involuntary

mutual spit exchange.

Huh.

I have a date tomorrow night.

What? I have a date

tomorrow night.

With who?

Just this really cute

idiot-savant guy I met.

What, he started...

He started talkin' to you?

Where? Like on the street

or something?

In a coffee shop.

And you liked him?

Mmm.

No, but you had to go out with

him 'cause of our death pact!

I told you

it would all work out!

I love this life! I love it!

Hi.

Hi.

Well, thanks

for walking me home.

Oh, please. It was my pleasure.

I had a wonderful time.

Yeah. It was fun.

So give me a call

next week or whatever.

I'd like that.

Good.

May I use your bathroom?

Sure. It's that door,

right behind you.

Thanks.

In sports, the Nuggets

just got by the Knicks, 114 to 112.

The Lakers had no hope

against the Rockets...

So tell me

about your date last night.

Well, he was very nice.

He was a perfect gentleman.

He took me to dinner and, and

dessert and cappuccino, and...

Then he walked me home, and...

Yeah?

And then, then...

Well, he went into the bathroom,

and he didn't come out

for a very long time.

He went into the bathroom,

and he didn't come out

for a very long time.

Huh.

Well, like, like how long? Like, like,

how long was he in there, like an hour?

Mmm, like 20 minutes.

Really?

All right. Go ahead, go ahead.

Come on. Go ahead!

It was... It was nothing.

It just was strange.

What happened in our bathroom? Were

there gesticulations? I mean, were...

No! Did you hear noises?

He just went to the bathroom. That's all.

It was nothing. It just seemed odd to me.

He just went to the bathroom?

Yes, that's all.

See? Just weird.

What, number two?

Oh, Joe! I don't want to

talk about this anymore!

Wait.

He took some stanky sh*t

in our bathroom?

Is that what you're trying to say?

Oh, my god!

That man took you

out for dinner,

bought you a cappuccino

and everything,

and walked you home,

perfect gentleman,

went into our house, into our

bathroom, stayed there for an hour,

taking some stanky,

foul-smelling sh*t,

and then just...

Then just left.

That is so disgusting.

I can't believe that.

God! What is that...

I mean, what is that about?

I mean, was he, like,

trying to leave his mark?

I mean...

God!

You gonna see him again?

Yeah. Yeah.

You probably would. You are gonna

see that guy again, aren't you?

You're probably

seeing him right now.

Oh, Jane.

How the hell will I get you.

To my opening?

Will you send me away.

Oh, Jane.

Will you kiss me and stop me.

From jumping off

the Brooklyn Bridge?

'Cause I need...

Need you to...

I've been wanting to meet you

for such a long time now.

No, I... I don't put menu.

You don't put menu?

No, no, no.

What would this be, then, sir?

I don't know.

You don't know what this is?

No, no.

Oh. You don't know

what that is.

That's menu! That's menu.

No, no. Not a menu. No.

Oh, just...

All right, good. Fine.

What? Don't wave at me.

I'm in a whole

other league here, baby.

Whole other league!

What the... What're you doin'?

Run normal!

Okay. This would be the path

where normal people run, sir!

Okay? The weird triathlete training

complex is somewhere else.

Okay?

Run normal here.

Okay, get off my path!

Get off it!

Oh. Oh, pretty fast, huh? Huh?

Run around the block, huh? Who

couldn't run around the block?

You don't think I can run that fast

running around the f***in' block? Huh?

Try runnin' 15 miles. Huh?

See how fast you run that!

Huh? Fifteen...

Suntan lotion, baby

Suntan lotion, baby

I'm gonna shoot you in the

face if you don't stop. Now...

Gotta look sexy

Get off me, you maniac!

Get the hell away from me!

Get out of here.

...for the girl tonight.

Gotta look sexy

for the girl, tonight.

Gotta look good for

the big date tonight, kids.

Suntan lotion, baby

Gentlemen. How are you today?

I'm beautiful. How are you?

Fine.

Listen, I'd like to purchase

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