Igby Goes Down Page #4

I guess marijuana

isn't a visceral experience for me.

- Sex is for me.

- Right.

Okay, so I am a vegetarian.

But for purely moral reasons.

I thought you went to school

at Brandeis or someplace.

Bennington. I do.

- Why aren't you there?

- I took a semester off.

I needed time to recuperate.

From what?

Entenmann's cookies,

beer, diet pills, tension...

...life.

My dad's been recuperating for six years.

What do you mean?

From life. Nothing.

Let's go.

You've come a long way, baby.

You're funny.

Hello, I'm Lt. Ernest Smith

from Pershing Academy.

- I'm here to ask about a...

- Those are fabulous.

- Where did you get them?

- The army.

See, I'm regular army.

Mrs. Slocumb found out

I was stationed in New Jersey now...

...so she just thought that maybe lgby,

since he worked here this summer...

Can I have these?

No.

I'm asking about lgby Slocumb!

Anne Frank, the soldiers are gone.

Come out and play.

Yum, with three "M"s.

You have a huge crush on me, don't you?

F*** off.

How's your brother doing these days?

- I don't have a brother. I'm an only child.

- Oliver's your brother, I thought.

- He is, and yet...

- And yet what?

I was about to say that we were

both raised only children, but...

...that sounds like something

you would say.

What do you do?

I'm preparing to leave.

Where do you want to go?

Far away.

I was thinking

about joining the Peace Corps.

Go on my Razor's Edge experience.

Discover the meaning of life.

Whatever.

You need at least three years of college

to join the Peace Corps, don't you?

You do?

Yeah. I had a friend at school who joined.

That could be a slight snag.

I haven't even gotten around

to taking my GED yet.

- So take it.

- I gotta go to Hackensack.

So go! Stop procrastinating.

It's almost Christmas.

Not going to New Jersey isn't

procrastinating. It's common sense.

- Do you want me to go with you?

- No.

I will.

All right, that'd be great.

Why aren't you in school now?

Sheer ingenuity.

You're funny.

Instead of saying

that someone or something is funny...

...why don't you just laugh?

- Is that better?

- Much.

- Gosh, I've never been to a hideout before.

- Shut up.

My boy...

...you look a bit...

...peaked.

I don't feel peaked.

Say...

...give your...

Give your mother a call.

Let her know you're alive, yes?

You need to eat some red meat, my boy.

You're all pale.

I didn't know he was here.

The key was on the window.

We had lunch. I let him in.

How was I supposed to know that?

It wasn't my fault.

- We had an agreement. You f***ed up.

- It wasn't my fault.

You f***ing idiot!

So...

I guess you have to pay rent this month.

Rachel, stop.

She's a...

...dancer who doesn't dance, and...

...her friend is a painter who doesn't paint.

It's kind of a boho version of

Island of the Lost Toys.

And she's a lot stronger than she looks.

I broke my butt!

You know what I think about

when I'm this close to another body?

I think...

...one day...

...at one moment...

...this body that I'm holding in my arms

will stop breathing...

...stop living...

...just...

...stop.

One day, you'll see my name in the obits

and you'll remember this moment.

You're a real f***in' upper.

How did you end up at military school?

Mimi.

- Mimi?

- My mother.

You call your mother "Mimi"?

"Heinous One" is a bit cumbersome.

Right.

"Medea" was already taken.

Your mother sent you to military school?

In all fairness to her, I did get kicked out

of most of the schools on the East Coast.

Still, I just assumed that military school

was an empty threat, like with most parents.

She called that bluff.

Do you resent her for sending you there?

I'm glad I went.

It made everything clear to me.

Like what?

The fight.

- 15 minutes.

- Okay.

Downstairs, dressed,

waiting for your father, in 15 minutes...

...or you're taking the bus.

I know.

Dad?

You see...

...Igby...

...I feel this...

...great...

...pressure...

...coming down on me.

It's just constantly coming down on me...

...crushing me.

You make it sound sinister. That's

what good schools are for, to shape you...

...not brainwash you

in some evil, Orwellian way, or...

...squash you

into something you're not, but...

I know my mother

teaches metaphysical poetry at Vassar.

I really believe she tries...

My father went through the system and

it told him what he was supposed to want.

He achieved everything, and...

...then in his 40s, he flipped.

What did he really want?

Sunny days.

Now Dad is in the Maryland Home

for the Befuddled.

Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

So, you're never going back to school?

What are you planning to do with your life,

lgby? Just kill time until...

My nervous breakdown comes along?

Is your father dead?

No, why?

'Cause when I talked about mine, you didn't

feel obligated to compare and contrast.

He's a theologian.

A Jewish theologian

and a metaphysical poetess.

Doesn't explain you.

What would?

Cross-dressing psychoanalysts?

Heroin junkies?

- I don't know.

- Thanks.

My parents...

...were two...

...very idealistic, incredibly bright...

...narcissists.

I was like their vanity project.

- Oh, my God.

- What?

You torture me.

I was adopted, okay?

That would explain everything.

'Cause, I mean,

how many Vassar professors...

...and intellectual theologians

beget nymphomaniacal...

...pseudo-bohemian J.A.P. s?

Actually, a lot, probably, right?

I'm not a J.A.P.

- Good morning. I'm Oliver. We met at the...

- Right.

At that party in the Hamptons.

- You're the fascist brother.

- He prefers "Young Republican."

I'm Sookie.

Excuse me. I've got to...

I'm sorry.

- God, you're pathetic.

- Thank you, fuckwit.

D.H. told you I was here?

Your little vacation's about to

come to a rather abrupt and severe end.

Come again?

You're still a minor.

So?

Since you're not interested

in taking care of your education...

...measures are being taken on your behalf.

What measures?

Mom's coming up next weekend.

Great.

- I'm taking my equivalency test on Friday.

- Whatever.

I can vouch,

because I made the appointment.

- Really?

- Really.

Oh, my God! It's almost the afternoon.

Look, it was...

...nice meeting you. I'm gonna take off.

- Where are you headed?

My mom's. Upper East Side.

Me, too. That's where I'm staying.

Amidst the cobwebs and geriatrics.

The geriatrics?

Everyone's inferior to Ollie in some way.

Ask him, he'll tell ya.

Let me give you a lift.

It's a write-off for D.H.

You can't pass up a free ride.

- Friday?

- Friday.

See ya.

It's not his real name,

He had a stuffed bear as a kid, Digby Bear.

They were British, I think.

And because he always got everything

wrong, he called it "lgby."

Whenever he committed a crime,

he would say, "I didn't do it, lgby did."

And to break him of this habit,

being as hip to child psych as she was...

...Mimi started referring to him as lgby

every time he lied.

He lied a lot.

So, you work for your godfather?

Igby's, D.H., who is amazing.

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