Igor Page #5

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kind of cute

Talent is attractive.

I can just picture Igor

and his monster now,

plotting their deadly

combat maneuvers.

(THE BIGGER THE FIGURE

PLAYING)

I got a woman as big

as a house, yes, sir

She's as big as

a two-famlly house

with a porch and a fence

You won't believe what you see

when you look at her

(CHOKING)

She's enormous, colossal,

tremendous, glgentic,

immense

Why try to deny it?

She's just what I like

If she goes on a diet

I'll go on strike

The bigger the flgure

The better I like her

The better I like her

The better I feed her

The better I feed her

The bigger the flgure

The bigger the flgure

The more I can love

She's exactly

like a watermelon

Big end round and sweet

And in a party dress

She may be quite a mess

But I love her a lot

So what if she's not

so neat?

The bigger the figure

The better I like her

The better I like her

The better I feed her

The better I feed her

The bigger the figure

The bigger the figure

The more I can love

If she ever

Eets me out of money

And we needed the rent

Oh, that'll be a cinch

'Cause when we're in a plnch

I can put her to work

under a circus tent

The bigger the figure

The better I like her

The better I like her

The better I feed her

The better I feed her

The bigger the figure

The bigger the figure

The more I can love

Guys, can you

come in here?

I need to

talk to you.

If she's having

a woman problem

it's all yours.

Ta- da!

What are these?

Opening night presents

I know

it's technically just

an audition tomorrow,

but I figured

"What the hey?"

They're not much, since

I had to use stuff I

found around here

but, well...

You first, Brain!

An envelope!

You spoil me

rotten, lady.

I think we

better open it

It's a new label

for your jar.

(EXCLAIMS IN AWE)

And Brain is

spelled right!

It is, right?

You shouldn't

really worry about

labels, though,

because you may

be a brain, but

you have heart

And in some ways,

that's more important.

Heart? I'd kill

for a pair of feet.

Open yours, Scamper.

It's a prehistoric

evergreen.

They live forever.

I just want to

make sure

that if anything

ever happens to

the three of us,

you always have company.

(SOBBING)

Great. I must be

allergic to it.

With any luck,

it'll kill me with

its dinosaur- era toxins.

Can we move on

to Igor now?

No one's ever given

me a glft before.

It's something

no director can

be without.

A beret!

Voil!

That's French for,

"Please stop pelting

me and my ridiculous

hat with rocks."

Hey, Igor where s

our gift for Eva?

Our gift?

Oh! You guys didn't.

We did.

Where'd you

put it, Igor?

It s in the

other room.

Gift, gift,

gift, gift.

Eva. Well, we

got you this.

It's a necklace.

It's the most

beautlful thlng

I've ever seen!

Igor, can you...

I would do it myself,

but I am all thumbs.

Yeah, I'm sorry

about that. I got

the thumbs on sale.

I'm never gonna

take this off.

That way all of you

will be close to

my heart forever.

(SIGHS)

I need to go

write this down in my

sense-memory journal!

Oh where

did I put my

glitter pen?

See, this is the

kind of moment

that'd be tough

for someone who

wasn't meant to be

an Evil Scientist.

Somebody who'd go

all soft and want

to tell her the truth.

But lucky for us,

I'm evil, right?

Yeah. Lucky us.

I don't feel lucky.

So we stay on track,

'cause we're almost

there,

and I just don't let

her get into my head.

(HUMMING)

(GRUNTS)

It's so hard being

a little hunchback.

Heidi!

Dr. Glickenstein

is under the rug.

I mean, under the weather.

I didn't come

to see him.

I came to see you.

Me?

By the way, an Igor

came by today

and asked me to

hands- deliver

this to you.

And these

are my hands.

What? What is it?

Ja, I haven't

any idea.

"Wish You Weren't There."

(COUGHING)

Oh, excellent,

wonderful.

You got my card.

(HEIDI HUMMING)

Is everything okay?

(SCREAMS)

I heard

a strange noise.

Ooh!

Oh, I wasn't at the

door listening to

you and Igor.

I just...

Hi! We haven't

met. I'm Eva.

(WHIMPERING)

Oh, you're upset,

aren't you?

"Who is this strange

woman living with

Igor," right?

Well, believe

me, Igor and I

are just friends.

As his girlfriend

you have nothing

to worry about.

I'm not his girlfriend.

You're not?

But the way he

looks at you.

He never looks

at me that way

Maybe some men

like girls

who don't look

like they've been put

together at the junkyard.

Right.

You have a

very ugly face.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I have

to go get some rest for

my audition tomorrow.

(CRACKING)

It was nice

meeting you.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Whoops!

Audition?

(HAWAIIAN MUSIC PLAYING)

DR. SCHADENRREUDE:

So, how's your

cocktail, Igor?

Is it nice?

You like it?

Is it coconut- ty?

Coconut- ty enough?

Wait! You should be

sipping in style!

Igor! Krazy Straw!

Right now

(IMITATES RANRARE)

(FANFARE)

Small trumpet. Isn't

that better? Doesn't

that taste better?

Excuse mee, sir,

butwhy...

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SLURRING)

I mean, why

am I here?

You can drop that

slur around me.

I don't even make

my Igors talk that way.

Isn't that right, Igor?

Oh, that's right,

Master.

How many times do

I have to tell you?

Call me Frederick.

Okay? That's my name.

Okay. Frederick!

I have toget back.

Dr. Glickensteln

will be missing me.

Somehow, I think

he's missing more

than his right-hand man.

(GASPS)

Look, Iggy baby, I know

all about Glickenstein

and his deadness.

I also know about

your monster

I'm gonna guess

your plan.

You win the Evil Science

Fair, and then everyone

looks past the hunch thing,

and they accept you

for the real you.

You grab the girl of

your dreams and you

cha-cha- cha your way

to a happy ending.

Am I close on this?

No, not entirely.

I don't know

how to cha-cha.

We're a lot

alike, Igor

I want to be

more as well,

but society,

it won't let

me. It stops me.

So, this s my plan

I enter Evil Science Fair

with your monster

and then I win.

I turn the monster

on the King.

Ding dong, the King

is dead long live

the new king, me!

And then you come in

as Malaria's new Evil

Scientist Dr. Igor.

So what do you say to

that? Is that nice?

Is that really nice?

You want to

overthrow

the King?

I thought you wanted

to be an Evil Scientist.

I do. But...

Stop thinking

like an Igor!

Evil Scientists

do not let anyone

stand in their way.

Yes. I know. They step

on people to get ahead.

Exactly!

She'll never do it.

She?

The monster.

She isn't evil.

Something went wrong

and her Evil Bone was

never activated.

So how do we get

this Evil Bone up

and running, huh

We kick it, we slap it,

we take it to the movies,

call it Irene?

She needs to

commit an evil act,

but since she's not

evil, she won't.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, your troubles

are over then,

because I can

get a woman to do

absolutely anything.

I don't know.

Don't tell me that

you have feelings

for this thing?

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