Imagine Me & You Page #6

We've got a bed, you know.

Warm, it's welcoming...

it smells nice, it's a damn sight better

than this arsing place.

Jesus Christ.

- Did I scare you?

- No. Nettles everywhere.

- What are you doing?

- Taking off your clothes.

Actually, it's one of the great things

about being a man.

You can do these things

without stripping off.

Just a zip. Simple zip is all you need.

Give it a yank,

and you're well away, darling.

- You gonna talk all through this?

- Did I mention we have a bed?

- What was that?

- What?

Nothing. Nothing.

All right, whoever is behind there...

come out before we beat

the crap out of you.

Yeah, damn it.

Terribly sorry.

- Sorry.

- Sorry.

Oh, God.

- We were trying not to disturb you.

- That's fine, really.

Disturb us? No. No, you didn't disturb us.

- We, we... We were just, you know.

- So were we.

So, you think we were...

No, and we're married.

And we have a bed.

- I'm Heck, by the way.

- Michael.

- How do you do?

- How do you do?

- Michael, too.

- Oh, really.

I'm Rachel.

It was lovely to meet you two chaps.

- Must be very nice to be married.

- We only just met this evening.

Yeah, sometimes I feel like we did, too.

- Hi.

- No, no, you're not happy to see...

You can't.

I don't want you to be happy to see me.

- Okay.

- Okay.

So, I'm here because

I don't know what's going on.

I don't.

You make me feel something.

Something I absolutely cannot feel.

I'm married.

I'm married, for Christ's sake.

I have a husband, this...

man that I... This lovely guy.

He's done nothing wrong.

I was wondering if you could help me?

I'm hoping to start a herb garden.

It's a pretty little corner space...

- north, right?

- These, these. On the house. Go.

Okay, so do you see? You have to see.

I can't do this. I can't actually do this.

So whatever it is or was,

it's got to stop, and it's got to stop now.

Do you understand?

It's over.

Ow!

- What, what?

- Thorns in my bum.

I'm sorry.

It's another customer.

Hello?

Luce?

Luce, you in the back?

Don't come in, Heck, I...

I was stock taking.

You know, counting the...

- Hey.

- Hey, yourself.

What do you want, Heck?

Buy some flowers. What else?

- Flowers, of course.

- Not for me, for my wife, Rachel.

Recently, she's just been a bit...

I don't know.

But you know what they say...

there's nothing quite so cheering

as a well-timed bloom.

So, I thought

one of your finest arrangements.

Absolutely.

- What does she like?

- You know what she likes.

Lilies. She likes lilies.

- Lilies? Right, well, that's simple.

- Yeah.

So, did you enjoy the football

the other night?

It was an experience.

How did you find Rachel?

Fine. I mean, I wouldn't...

Fine.

I don't suppose she...

No. Well...

I was just wondering

if she said anything about...

me or...

me or...

I just think I'm doing something wrong,

is all.

I mean, that's what I think.

And if she said what it is...

that I'm doing, or not doing,

then I can stop it.

Or start, or whatever, you see.

And then we can...

Like before.

We can get back to being like before.

- She didn't say anything.

- No.

And I've embarrassed you.

And myself, which is normal, very normal.

- These are beautiful. How much do I...

- No, they're on the house.

Thanks.

You should ask her, you know. Not me.

Bless you, but...

I can't ask Rachel

if there's anything wrong.

I mean, that's way too scary.

Why?

What if there is?

Thanks.

Rachel!

- Rachel, wait!

- Luce, please!

- Just talk to me.

- What do you want me to say?

I heard him.

Jesus, I'm lying there, and I heard him...

and he's blaming himself.

You can put an end to this.

- How?

- Tell me to go.

Tell me that's what you want,

and I will walk away...

and you will never see me again.

Is that what you want?

I want you.

Luce.

I know.

I can't...

I know.

We'll be okay.

Don't forget me.

I won't remember anything else.

Come on, Jeff, you scratch my back

and I'll kiss your arse.

Okay, can you repeat that, please?

Okay, 41 flat.

Okay, well, let me just factor that into

the computer and crunch some numbers.

He can't go any higher.

I mean, he hasn't got it. He can't.

Yeah, the screen's flashing red

at me here, Jeff.

It's not gonna cut it.

In fact, the figure that I'm reading is...

Yeah, but the figure I'm reading

is forty-one and a half.

That's 41.5. Any lower just can't be a go.

That's way too much. It's too much.

So let's do it, Jeff. Let's work our way up.

Give me 41.1. Give me that.

We're feeling no pain there,

and you know what?

If we're at 0.1, let's have some fun.

Let's double down.

Yeah. Yeah, there you go.

All right, keep on coming.

Keep on coming. Give me three, three is

well in. You give me that right now...

You will?

Well, then go one more. Go to four.

I really, really, really don't wanna do it.

Yeah, yeah. Jeff, you know,

don't take that tone with me.

You know, I'm giving you a chance here.

Now, do you wanna be a big dog...

or do you wanna play on the porch

with the puppies?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I feel that.

Okay, last one, my friend.

Over the cliff. I'm holding your hand,

I'm cupping your balls.

I'm there with you, and I'm there for you.

You've gotta ask yourself, Jeffrey...

do you trust me? Do you trust me?

Congratulations. We can deal.

My boy, for that,

you get a bonus as big as my knob.

Well, screw your bonus.

I wish I could.

Now, where d'you wanna go for a drink?

Screw you, too, Rob.

Hecky, what is it?

It just... It makes me sick, you know.

You lie. You just lie.

Well, so do you.

Not anymore.

Heck. Hecky. Hecky, come back!

- Hi.

- Afternoon.

I'm looking for a breakup plant.

- A what?

- A breakup plant.

Explain.

Well, I don't like my girlfriend.

I wanna break up with her...

via the means of plant.

Well, it should be a breakup bouquet,

and it should be hydrangeas.

They mean,

"It's over, but think well of me."

Perfect. I'll take one.

- One bouquet?

- One hyer-whatsit.

But that's not a lot.

Well, I don't care if she thinks well of me.

D'you know what? Piss off!

- Pardon?

- Out! Get out of my shop.

She's well rid of your fat arse, anyway.

Mum?

I'll be right out.

Take your time.

Oh, sweet sh*t in a bucket,

what's wrong with you?

Blow your nose, then explain.

I met this girl.

She's with someone else.

And does she love you?

I don't know.

No.

Yes.

But it doesn't matter.

Oh, it's all that matters.

She's with someone else. She can't...

When Dad left you, he broke your heart.

It mends again.

Look at you, you look fantastic.

I may be older than God,

but I can still make an effort.

A date? Does my mother have a date?

I'm going to eat food with a man, yes.

And how do you feel?

Oh.

Well, you know,

when you're holding a hot cup of coffee...

and you realize you're going to sneeze?

That's how I feel.

Come here.

Well, yippee.

Oh, sh*t. Heck, where have you...

Never fails.

Eight pints of water before bed,

and next day, you feel no pain.

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