Imagine Me & You Page #5

- There aren't any.

Trust me, I've looked. Oh, careful.

- Sorry, Mrs...

- Don't call me "Mrs."

Hello.

All right?

Brilliant.

You've got a boyfriend

You've got a boyfriend

No, I haven't. Not yet.

I can't wait till you get a boyfriend.

- You probably can, actually.

- You could even get a husband.

You're old enough. Find one like Heck.

H, I should explain something to you.

I do believe I will be with one person

for the rest of my life...

but that person will be a woman.

I understand.

You do?

My best friend is Natalie Curtis.

I'd rather spend the rest of my life

with her than any boy.

There you go.

It doesn't mean

that you're a lesbian or anything.

Come on, let's go.

- I'll put the kettle on, babe.

- I'll have a beer instead.

Really?

- I was gonna offer, but...

- But what?

Rach, are you pregnant?

No. No, I'm not, no.

I just thought

it might explain your recent...

Whatever. Nothing.

Unless...

Unless what?

Mmm.

Do you want to get pregnant?

You and my mum.

Listen, I know we said

we were going to wait...

but until what,

you know, we're even more settled?

Come on, what do you think?

I got to take it.

Rob, hey, what's up?

No, I've a minute.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They're in my briefcase, hang on.

Hello.

Hello.

Hey, gorgeous.

That was Rob.

Look, I'm really sorry about this but...

No, of course you should still go.

You know, I wouldn't put you through

my evening for all the coke in Colombia.

You know, it'll be the usual bollocks,

everyone will get pissed.

I'll get pissed...

And start singing country and western

songs badly like I always do.

Hello?

- Heck, it's Luce.

- Hey, Luce. How's it going?

It's Luce. What's up?

Nothing. My phone just rang and...

Sorry, you busy Tuesday night?

Do you fancy

escorting my wife somewhere?

It's just, like, I've got this

wanky work thing which I can't get out of.

You know, it'll be really great

if you could look after Rach for me.

Go on, say yes. Go on.

- Then, yes.

- Brilliant. Brilliant.

Well, Rach will ring you with the details...

and be safe.

You, too.

You shouldn't have done that.

I hardly know her.

Yeah, but she's your...

soul-mate-for-life type thing.

You'll have a belter.

Beer.

Does she know where we're going?

Go on, hound him!

Hound his legs, chop him!

- Over there!

- On the left side!

- You know, you're kind of shrill.

- What?

When you shout.

You want them to hear your abuse better,

you've got to project it.

- Teach me.

- Okay.

First off, tighten your stomach muscles.

- I don't think I've got any.

- Yeah, you do.

- You really do. They're right here.

- There?

Mmm-hmm.

- Tighten.

- Tighten.

- Tense them.

- They're pretty tense.

Okay, next, broaden your diaphragm.

- My what?

- It's here.

Oh.

Okay, push it out against my hand.

You feel my hand?

Maybe if you put them both there.

Okay.

And now, for the big one.

Imagine the roof of your mouth

is a cathedral.

- No, you've lost me.

- Oh, come on.

No, the muscles,

the diaphragm, I'm there, but...

It's a space thing.

All right, your mouth is that big

that you have to fill it with sound.

Deep from inside, filling the space,

then throwing it out.

Deep from inside, filling the space,

then throwing it out.

Like how?

Like this.

You're a wanker,

Number 9!

That's not bad, is it?

No.

All right, so your turn.

Where do you want to go?

I don't care where we go.

Good. I'll decide again.

Okay.

I feel like dancing.

Boom. Hold that thought.

What? What, you know somewhere

we should go?

Got an idea.

Let's begin the dancing.

Disco, disco, disco.

Okay, do the dog kick.

Now we are talking boogie.

Yeah, that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh.

I know what I like,

and I am liking what I see.

You guys rule!

- All right, more.

- Tell me about the lily.

- You don't want to know about the lily.

- It's my favorite.

Ask me about the azalea.

All right. What about the azalea?

The azalea means,

"May you achieve financial security."

- Bah.

- See?

Lovely. Now, tell me about the lily.

The lily means...

The lily means, "I dare you to love me."

Well, thanks for this evening.

- Thank you.

- It was my birthday.

No, today? You should've said.

- It's mine coming up.

- We're practically twins.

This is me.

I...

Okay, good night.

Yeah.

Night.

Your feet.

- Are they cold?

- No, stinking.

Yes, of course, they're cold.

Come here.

You fancy coming round mine

tonight, or are you too married?

Actually, Rach wants to

take me to dinner.

Just phoned me up

and wants to take me to dinner...

- which is sweet.

- Very sweet.

Yeah.

Blow her off. Come round mine for pizza.

Really, no, I want you to meet

the Italian girl that delivers it.

What about that flower girl, Luce?

I thought you had plans there.

There's another one

that won't let me get it wet.

She's gay.

- I'm a cure for lesbianism.

- No, you're a deeply shallow man.

Yes, I am.

When's it gonna stop?

- Never, I hope.

- God bless you.

Really, though, you know, I'm 29 years old.

- You're 31.

- Precisely my point. I'm getting older.

And I see you...

I see what you've got with...

I can see that stability.

And the trust, and permanence.

And I think...

"God, I'm glad I'm not you."

Actually things don't feel

totally 100% stable at the moment.

You got trouble in paradise?

No, no, no.

How could there be?

We only just got married.

That's all it... All it is, isn't it?

Millie! Millie, darling.

I'm sorry I'm late.

- Coop.

- Don't move.

- What?

- No, there's just...

a girl back there that I never called back.

Just stay perfectly still, okay?

We'll get through this.

Did you ever, you know...

cross the street?

That depends.

- On what?

- On what the hell you're talking about.

- Drink after work tonight?

- Dinner with Heck.

I mean, did you ever...

fancy, or think you might've briefly

before you realized you didn't...

- another woman?

- Why?

I'm trying to find someone for Beth,

and I thought I'd double my chances.

Already tried it. It didn't happen for me.

I like men.

I mean, I hate men, but, you know.

I always hoped to do a woman

before I died.

But it's kind of like...

I want to go to Norway sometime.

Do you know what I mean?

Probably never gonna happen.

- So Heck's taking you to dinner?

- I'm taking him.

How perfect.

That was fun.

Wasn't it fun?

Had a good time.

- You know, Rach, I think...

- Hey, the heath!

You remember that night

you took me in the bushes?

- I never took you in the bushes.

- Sorry, wrong guy.

I took you up against a tree.

I can't be dealing with bushes, nettles,

and deadly nightshade.

- Let's do it.

- What?

- Let's go. Let's do it now.

- No.

Rach, no.

Rach.

Rach, where are you?

Come on, darling.

Rachel!

I just, I just don't understand

why we have to do this stuff anymore.

You know, we've got a flat.

It's a good one.

And I've confiscated your mother's key,

so she can't sneak up on us anymore.

And I swear that woman's got a sex radar.

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