Immigration Tango Page #2

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something stupid

and get himself

deported.

I never realized

how careful

immigrants have to be

all the time.

All I ever wanted was

to come to America

and have a better life.

We'll figure this out.

You are our best friends,

and you're

not going anywhere.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations!

[Claps hands]

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha!

MIKE:
What's going on?

They just got engaged.

Oh, how sweet. Hi.

Don't forget my tip.

I mean it.

I know how cheap you are.

ELENA:

I'm worried about them.

CARLOS:
They haven't been

getting along for a while.

Yeah, but it's

getting worse now.

I'm lucky I found you.

If I go back to Russia,

would you come with me?

Freeze! Nobody move!

Wh-What?

On the ground!

Let's go! Get on the ground!

Elena Dubrovnik.

Yes.

You're under arrest, sweetheart.

You're coming with me.

We haven't done anything!

Let her go!

We received information

that your immigration

status has expired.

That's a lie. Who gave

you this information?

That's privileged.

Hey, get your hands

off her, man!

Did he also tell you

he tried to molest me?

Molest you?

Who tried to molest you?

Shut the f*** up!

[Blow strikes]

[Door slams shut]

[Door opens]

What'd they

pop you for, honey?

They think I'm illegal.

An accent like that,

you don't exactly

sound American.

I'm Russian.

Oh, you one of those,

uh, mail-order brides?

No. I'm a student.

Ah, well, let me guess.

Cosmetology, huh?

International finance.

Hmm. Well, good luck

with that, sister.

Hey, let me know

when they're hiring

so I don't have to work

on my back.

[Keys jingle]

[Buzzer]

You know, your visa

expires in 20 days,

so if I were you, I'd make

some travel arrangements.

Otherwise,

you're gonna be coming

back here

for an extended stay.

Where is Carlos?

In the car.

This place makes him

a little jumpy.

The agent said they'd received

reliable information

that my status had expired.

CARLOS:

That is bullshit!

Can't we sue the police,

hire a lawyer

or something?

No podemos pagar,

mi amor.

MIKE:

What'd she say?

No money for lawyers.

Well, maybe

I could do it.

I'm almost a lawyer.

Oh, boy.

[Sighs]

There are basically

two ways

to immigrate

into the U.S.,

through an employer

or a family member.

We don't have either one.

I know.

So your only hope is

winning the visa lottery.

What is that?

It's a lottery

for green cards.

And what are her chances?

About the same as

winning the Powerball.

Uh, well...

The only way you could

legally stay in the U.S.

Is for you to find

a U.S. Citizen to marry.

The same for you,

Carlos.

Well, it's not a bad idea.

It's a pretty good idea.

What?

Come on.

That wouldn't be so hard

to find somebody

to marry you.

We could pay somebody,

yeah? I mean...

They don't have any money,

and neither do we.

We could chip in.

We don't need any money.

I mean, who...

They would marry her for free.

And I would marry

a rich white guy too.

Are you crazy?

Yes.

That's illegal. You

have to marry a woman.

Fine. I'll marry

a rich white girl.

Does it matter?

I'm handsome.

[Laughs]

What's so funny?

I'm serious.

No, that might

actually work.

I mean, if you're

game, I'm game.

I mean, why not?

I'm game.

Hang on. Wait. Wait.

This is way over my head.

Let's find a real lawyer.

BETTY:
You want to what?

MIKE:
Betty, you said

you wanted to help 'em out.

Yeah, help,

donate time to the cause,

give free legal advice,

but not you.

This is something

I want to do,

and I know

it's gonna be tough,

but, look, maybe this

is something we need.

This is the stupidest thing

I've ever heard.

We do not need this.

Our lives are perfectly fine

just the way they are.

This is Elena, and,

you know, in this case,

it really is

just a piece of paper.

They're

our best friends.

I know.

Well, then, let's do it.

What's the worst

that could happen?

So how long do we

have to stay married?

Two years. It's a long time,

and it's serious.

I have to state again

that Congress has devoted

an entire act to the penalties

for engaging in marriage fraud.

I could be disbarred before

I even finish law school.

She's right. This isn't

something to rush into.

Look, you're the one

who's running out of time.

Marriage is supposed to

be a sacred commitment.

We'll still be couples.

It's just she'll

be married to Carlos.

I'll be married to you.

Nothing will change.

Hey, wait a second.

I still have six months

left on my visa.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, then I'll go first.

Elena, do you want

to get married... to me?

I don't know.

I guess it's

the only way.

You guys are

our best friends,

and to give us

this opportunity

to remain here together,

I don't know

what to say.

Then say yes.

By the power vested in me

by the state of Alabama,

I now pronounce you

man and wife

or woman and husband,

whatever be your fancy.

Heh heh.

You may now kiss the bride.

Anytime today, son.

What the hell was that?

Put your arms around her.

Give her some tongue, son.

W-We're just

a little shy.

Did it flash, Betty?

No.

You need

to kiss again.

It didn't flash.

Sorry, Mike.

Kiss her like you mean it,

like a man.

MINISTER:
Right on!

Hubba-hubba!

[Humming

wedding-style music]

They're excited.

Hold on. Let me get

on the other side.

Hold that. Good.

Okay.

1, 2, 3.

Perfect. One with the ring.

One with the ring.

One more.

Okay.

Yay!

Congratulations!

We're next, baby.

Oh, God.

Okay, okay, okay. Okay.

She's still my girlfriend.

Take it easy. You just

got married, huh?

Yeah.

Finally.

Te veo, Orita.

What's wrong?

This whole thing

is kind of weird.

I swore before God that I

would honor and cherish Mike.

The minister said for him to

give you some tongue, Elena.

I don't think God was

really listening, huh?

Let me have this.

Now...

think your husband

knows about this, hmm?

[Both laugh]

I've been married for

less than nine hours.

I'm already

having an affair.

No. I can't.

I'm sorry.

It's just been

a really weird day.

Okay.

I bet my wife and her boyfriend

are having the same problem.

[Sandy Cressman singing

Yo Lo Deseoin Spanish]

[Laughs]

All right, leave it to me.

Your choice.

[Grunts] Yes.

What?

Yeah.

What's gotten into you?

I don't know.

Maybe it's the thrill

of cheating on my wife.

Oh, well, I hardly

consider this cheating.

You know, we are still

living together.

Well, maybe when

you marry Carlos,

you'll understand

the rush.

[Sandy Cressman

singing in Spanish]

[Knock on door]

[Man singing in Spanish]

[Knock on door]

[Lamp shatters]

[Clears throat]

Who the hell are you?

Officer Ravencourt

with ICE.

ICE?

Immigration.

Doesn't mean you can

barge in here!

Bush isn't president

anymore.

The door was open.

Did we do anything wrong?

We'll find out, won't we?

Are you Michael White?

Michael White?

I thought you said your name

was Jimmy Sheldon.

I can explain.

Hold on there, hot pants.

Are you

Miss Elena Dub...

Certainly am not.

Do you think I actually

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