Immigration Tango Page #3

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look like her?

I hope, for your sake, that

was a rhetorical question.

Who is she?

His wife.

His wife?

Of all the nerve.

You know, I hope you

do arrest him for lying

for trying to get

into my pants!

Well, from the looks of it,

he did a pretty good job.

I didn't know

he was married.

How could you?

Ma'am, it's not

what you think.

It never is, Mr. White.

Now I am here to conduct

a preliminary investigation

into the status of your marriage

to the woman in this photo.

I'm sure you're aware

that marriage fraud

is not just a misdemeanor.

It's a federal offense

punishable by jail time.

Now who lives here?

Uh, well, I used to,

but now I live

with Ms. Dubrovnik.

And the address?

On a boat.

A boat, you say?

Yeah.

A thing that floats.

Hmm.

How romantic.

[Telephone rings]

And this woman?

[Ring]

Oh, she...

Just someone who picked me up

on Ocean Drive.

Pickedyouup?

[Scoffs]

I see.

[Ring]

[Laughs]

MIKE:
Hi.

It's Mike and Betty.

BETTY:
We can't get

to the phone right now.

But leave a message,

and we'll get back to you.

BOTH:
Bye.

[Beep]

Mike, honey,

this is your mother,

and I am holding a letter

from Immigration

and it says that you have

married some Russian person.

[Sighs] Call us, please.

This better be

some terrible mistake.

[Beep]

It's my mom.

She found out

two weeks ago,

but early dementia.

Mm-hmm.

Your Ben & Jerry's

is melting.

What... Oh.

Have a good day,

Mr. White.

I'm sure the two of you

have a lot to talk about.

I'm going to jail.

I'm not gonna make it.

I know I won't.

I'm weak when it comes

to enclosed spaces.

We're talking

serious time here.

I don't know

what I was thinking.

Why didn't you stop me?

Maybe we'll just go

to another country.

Maybe I can go

to Colombia with Carlos.

At least I'll know somebody

who can speak the language.

I'll order food

from restaurants.

I'll get directions.

Mike, calm down.

What do you mean, calm down?

What do you...

Look at what we

got ourselves into.

We? Oh, no, no,

no, no, no.

This was your idea!

What about me?

I don't want to go

to jail either.

You aren't the one

married to Elena, Betty.

You're in the clear.

Until I marry Carlos.

Then I'm in just as much

trouble as you are.

Just think of it

this way.

We tried to do

something good for once,

and we thought of other

people before ourselves.

You did a noble

and a courageous thing

for our friends.

I won't bathe.

Granted, there will be an odor,

but it's a small price to pay

for not becoming a sex toy.

Mike, Mike, you just

have to push forward

with this thing.

Play it out all the way.

Yeah,

all the way to jail.

I just want to

pretend none of this

ever happened.

I want a divorce.

You and Elena are married.

It's a legally

binding document.

You can't abandon her.

That's it.

We'll swap. Simple.

Swap?

Swap what?

Each other.

Um, I'll move in

with Elena,

and Carlos will

move in with you.

Oh, God, no. [Laughs]

I am not gonna live

with Carlos.

You wanted to go

all the way.

No! Well, baby, this is all the way.

I don't know

what else to do.

I told the woman

I was living on a boat.

Oh, uh-uh. I don't...

Ohh! I don't know.

Carlos in my apartment?

Our apartment.

Using my bathroom, going

through my personal things.

He's not neat.

There's got to be another way.

Prison.

That's the better way.

El barco m? O?

That's crazy, man.

I forbid it.

It will never work.

It has to.

The agent has to

come and see

that we're a happy,

loving, married couple

living together

under one roof,

or in this case,

your goddamn boat.

She saw us doing it.

She was in your bedroom?

No, we were

in the living room.

Nice work, amigo.

Where?

On the floor?

Against a wall?

On the couch.

That's totally

off topic. I... Focus.

Okay, okay.

Let's say we do this.

Where do I live?

With me.

Really?

I can live with that.

JOEY HOLLAND:

# Another honeymoon #

# And not a moment too soon?

# Just what we needed #

# Another honeymoon #

[Glass shatters]

# Uh-huh #

# Ooh doo doo doo #

# Tears on my pillow... #

No problem. It was just

my CD and my stereo.

It's no problem.

Don't worry about it.

# Another day #

# Another dime... #

[Mouths word]

I hate these shorts.

Don't let him wear them.

I'm just gonna

throw 'em out.

Whoop.

Okay...

I'll get this.

I guess this

is all of it.

Well...

Well, this is awkward.

Yeah. [Laughs]

Yeah, it's a

little strange.

Uh, I guess me

and the missis

will go back

to thecasa.

Okay.

Okay.

I'll call you later,

sweetie.

Te veo, Orita.

Bye.

Bye.

MIKE:
Don't do anything

I wouldn't do, you know.

I don't know.

You know what I mean.

Just keep your paws

off the merchandise.

Right back at you, bro.

Ah.

Hey, hey, Mike,

I can say

the same thing to you.

You don't have to.

Ciao.

Ciao.

[Sighs]

[Sighs]

So, shall

I bring my stuff

into your bedroom,

Betty Boo?

[Laughs] Carlos.

Yeah?

Stop.

What?

Okay.

It's a beautiful night.

I'm gonna go

sleep up on deck.

Sleep on top

of the sheets with me.

I don't think

that's a good idea.

What if the agent

comes back?

You're right.

Mike, thank you

for being my fake husband.

Hi.

Hi.

I just put some clean

towels out for you.

Gracias.

Are you gonna

be okay out here?

I think I'd be a little

more comfortable in your bed.

[Both laugh]

Good night, Carlos.

What kind

of Latin lover am I?

[Scoffs] The couch.

Sh*t.

Did you sleep well?

Yeah. It must have

been the water.

The gentle rocking,

it's nice, huh?

Yeah, it's like a...

It's like a big water bed.

I'm coming up.

Oh, sweet Jesus!

I didn't see anything.

I don't mind if you look.

Hand me that towel.

Does that make you

feel uncomfortable?

No.

Yes.

I don't know.

You can look now.

I'll never understand

you Europeans

and your utter freedom

with your body.

Everyone has one, no?

Do you always swim naked

in the morning?

The fish don't

seem to mind.

Do you?

I don't mind

if they don't mind.

[Farts]

[Farts]

[Elena screams]

Aah!

Get out!

Jesus.

God, at least knock.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Help.

Help!

Elena, help!

What?

I can't...

The water's off.

I can't see anything.

I got soap in my eyes.

Oh, hold on.

Here.

Thank you.

Ow! F***!

It's f***ing freezing.

[Laughs]

Did you see anything?

Um, maybe, a little.

It's... It's cold.

[Laughs]

Mike. Elena.

Hello. Hey.

Hey.

Where's Elena?

She's at a job interview.

Did you forget something?

No, man. I just came by

to see how you're doing.

Uh, we're good. You?

Yeah, man,

I'm cool.

Man, you got

a nice crib.

Thanks. Thank you.

How's Betty?

It's cool.

Yeah, Elena's good too.

Oh, good. [Laughs]

Man, we got a couple of

cool girlfriends, huh?

I mean,

not a lot of girls

would go for

this living situation.

So how'd you sleep,

buddy?

Good. Good. You?

Oh, I miss Elena

and sleeping in my bed

and all that.

Me too. [Laughs]

Sleeping with Elena?

No, uh, Betty.

What... What did you think?

[Both laugh]

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