In the Army Now Page #4

with that, do ya?

- Oh, no.

- Uh-uh.

He kisses me

every day.

Just do it.

Oh, sh*t.

Is it hot in Chad?

As the Libyan raids against U.N. forces

near the border continue...

this U.S. force is being readied

to deter the invasion...

threatened by the Libyan leader

in his television broadcast last night.

As the buildup here continues, the first

Army Reserve units arrived here today.

- These units will aid in the supply...

- Hello, Mama.

and logistical support

of the growing U.S. presence here.

These troops are in high spirits,

and the morale is high.

- And their hopes are high that this mission...

- Soldiers, let's go!

will remain

a peaceful one.

Reporting live from Chad

for Worldwide News Report...

this is Stu Krieger.

I am First Sergeant

Brandon T. Williams.

It is my intention to run

this company like a clock.

If one gear slips in my clock,

my clock'll tell the wrong time.

If one spring is loose in my clock,

my clock'll tell the wrong time.

First Sgt. Williams

likes his clock to tell the right time.

- Do you understand me?

- Yes, First Sergeant!

- What did he say?

- I don't know. Something about his clock being broken.

Have my words

fallen upon deaf ears?

Yes, Sergeant!

I mean, no, Sergeant.

Don't you know

I'm your first sergeant?

Actually, I wish you were

my first sergeant...

but I already had

a couple ones already.

Drop

and give me push-ups!

You will continue to do push-ups

until you learn...

to address me as First Sergeant,

is that clear?

- Yes, First Sergeant!

- Count off!.

One, First Sergeant.

Two, First Sergeant.

Three, First Sergeant.

Four, First Sergeant.

- Five, First Sergeant. Six, First Sergeant.

- Don't eyeball me.

Seven, First Sergeant. Eight, First Sergeant.

Nine, First Sergeant.

Ten, First Sergeant. Eleven, First Sergeant.

Twelve, First Sergeant.

13, First Sergeant.

14, First Sergeant.

123, First Sergeant.

124, First Sergeant.

- 125, First Sergeant.

- That's enough. On your feet!

Son, I bet you did a lot of push-ups

in basic training, didn't you?

- Yes, First Sergeant. - Well, you

just did your last push-up, soldier.

- I will never ask you to do another.

- Thank you, First Sergeant.

You just graduated

to peelin' potatoes.

6,543, First Sergeant.

6,544, First Sergeant.

Oh, First Sergeant.

6,545, First Sergeant. Ooh.

Six thousand, one-

600,000...

5,452, First Sergeant.

Sh*t, I lost count.

Wait, we got it!

We got it! Look!

- Ooh!

- That's my butt!

Good one, Bones.

- # Kumbaya ##

- Stop it!

Oh, cool, look.

Hey.

It's a sunroof.

Oh, look.

Gabriella tucked a little note

into my duffel bag.

Yeah.

"Dear Bones, by the time you read this

I will already be-"

What? "I will already be

in Milan with Guido. "

Oh, she dumped ya.

Sorry, Bones.

I must say, this guy sounds really nice.

He's got a villa right on the Adriatic Sea.

- Jack, don't rub it in.

- No, no. You're better off.

She's a horrible speller.

There's only one "S" in loser. Look at that.

And, "immaturish"?

I don't even think that's a word.

- Gabriella, sh-she broke my heart.

- Sorry.

Well, fortunately, I'm too shallow

to stay bummed for too long.

I'll take that.

Mmm.

Would you mind turning

the light off please,Jack?

Oh, yeah.

Fred, you checked your bag

for scorpions.

- Right?

- For scorpions?

- He's messing with you, Fred.

- No, I'm not.

Chad is the scorpion capital

of the world.

Yep, Fred. They're big ones too.

'Bout as big as my fist.

They outnumber people

two to one.

And that margin grows

with every sting.

So, have a good sleep,

Fred.

- Good night, everybody.

- Good night, Bones.

- Night, Sue Ellen.

- Night,John Boy.

Scorpions!

Yeah, right.

I got one.

I got one!

I got one.

I got one!

I got one.

I got one!

I got one. I got one!

I got one. I got one!

Agh!

Very funny!

We're just tryin' to help ya

get over your fears, Fred, really.

Don't worry about it.

You come sleep with me.

I'd rather take my chances

with the scorpion, thank you.

God, I hate this.

It's not that bad.

It's like camp.

#John Jacob

Jingleheimer Schmidt #

- # That's my name too #

- # That's my name too #

# Whenever we go out

the people always shout #

# There's goes John Jacob

Jingleheimer Schmidt #

- # Da, da, da, da #

- # Da, da, da, da #

#John Jacob

Jingleheimer Schmidt #

- Come on!

- # That's my name too ##

- Shut up!

- Shut up!

Don't eat the chicken.

Man, it tastes just like frog.

Are you- Can I-

Thanks. Enjoy.

- Ready.!

- Go!

Who are they?

- Special Forces.

- Mmm.

- 14.11 seconds.

- Damn! Try it again.

- Go.!

- He's incredible.

Time me.

All right.

Go!

Shoo!

Shoo! Shoo!

- Where'd it hit?

- Oh, that's not good.

- What happened? Just-

- That is not good.

Oh, great.

He's comin'over.

Just don't

look at 'im.

- You lose somethin'?

- Yeah, thanks.

You put it

in my lasagna.

You better call 911, get an ambulance,

find a doctor, order a toe tag...

'cause I'm gonna tear off your head

and spit it down your neck, understand, boy?

- Huh?

- Hey! Hey!

You have to relax a little.

Take it easy.

We're in the middle of a war,

and we're on the same side.

Would America

have won the Civil War...

if Benjamin Franklin did not get along

with Eleanor Roosevelt?

- Right on.!

- A little knowledge.

A little knowledge

to "parter. "

- Hmm?

- Go ahead, man.

If our soldiers,

our American soldiers...

acted like this

in Desert Storm...

Saddam Hussein would

still be running Iraq.

Excuse me.

So maybe we're a bunch of Reservists

fresh off the plane, right?

It's obvious.

But you regular guys...

you've been here so long

that your brains are fried!

So I guess, what I'm

really trying to say is...

Come on, genius,

spit it out.

that doesn't mean

we all can't be friends... please.

There's only one problem

with you "newbies:"

- Tell him the truth.

- You don't eat enough.

No, th-that's mi-

Attention.!

As you were.

Son...

I bet the mess sergeant

could use a volunteer...

- to peel potatoes.

- Yes, sir!

- Can we count on you?

- Yes, sir.

Carry on.

I happen to know, on this base

there's not one "unpeeled" potato.

I heard the Libyans are

already backing down...

- and we're gonna be outta here in two weeks.

- Yeah?

I hear they're sending 20,000 more troops,

and we're gonna be here 'til Christmas.

Go like that.

Wait, wait. Hey!

Where you goin'?

It's not like

I got bad breath.

Help.

And until they comply

with U.N. resolution 991...

I don't think anybody's

goin' anywhere.

You're amazing,

Christine.

How do you keep up

with all that stuff?

Christine?

All right,

quit screwin' around.

Chris, send some water

with this mud!

Chris!

Jack?

You-

Fred? Agh!

Agh!

How's it feel to be dead,

water boy?

Ooh.

I don't know. How does it feel

to be a dick, dick?

Dammit!

Where's my water?

There was none delivered

last night, First Sergeant.

Goddamn piece of sh*t

"newbies. "

How am I gonna run a decent H.Q

without my coffee?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes