In The Land Of Women Page #5

I'm afraid to kiss Gabe Foley.

You'll get over that, trust me.

When you're in the moment,

with the right person, you'll be fine.

Hey, so my mom doesn't really

know anything about my dad.

Right. Thanks.

Grandma. Grandma.

Hey, you don't have to do that, okay?

I'll clean it as soon as I

put this on the stove.

Will you just let me?

What does that mean?

- My cell phone?

- Yes.

Okay, well, it's probably my boss.

Most likely, he's calling

to tell me I no longer have a job.

You're in swimming-pool resurfacing?

What? I'm a writer.

What do you write?

I write children's books.

That's nice. I love children.

That's not true. I used to.

Now I resent them. But maybe

I could read one of your books.

I didn't bring any here with me,

so it's gonna be kind of difficult to do that.

It's too bad. I would have loved to have

read something you wrote before I died.

Grandma.

I hate to be the one

to have to tell you this, okay?

But you're not dying.

It's just not gonna happen.

So would you please--?

Would you stop saying that?

You know what hospice is?

Oh, God.

When you find my lifeless corpse...

...those are the people

you're supposed to call.

And they'll manage everything.

They'll put me in a big Ziploc bag

and take me to the morgue.

- I've requested incineration.

- Hey. Okay.

The number for hospice in Michigan...

...is taped on the phone

in the living room.

You wanna see it?

That'll be the deli guy.

Well, that's a relief.

This soup you're making is disgusting.

- Oh, thank you.

- I'm sorry.

- Thanks.

- Thanks.

It's been four days.

Not that I was keeping track.

I just thought maybe... .

I know Lucy told you.

I knew she would.

So I wouldn't have... . So I wouldn't... .

Lucy did not tell me anything.

I'm sick.

I'm pretty sick.

I have breast cancer.

Tomorrow morning, l--

Tomorrow morning,

I have to go into the hospital...

...and they have to cut-- Oh, sh*t.

And they have to cut off--

Oh, sh*t.

Sh*t!

Hey, look at me.

I want you to look at me.

I'm right here, and I promise you,

you're gonna be all right.

You're gonna be all right.

I know.

I didn't mean... .

I didn't--

Pandy had thought

he was in the perfect relationship.

Then one day, the child he belonged to

tossed him out on the street.

He had been replaced...

... by Colin Farrell.

- Jesus.

- What's up?

Hey. You can just go to my room.

- It's the last one on the left.

- Who is it?

Phyllis and I are about to have

an abrupt conversation.

Let's go in there.

Grandma,

let me explain something to you.

Okay? Look at me, look at me.

Not okay for you to answer the front door

when you're not wearing clothes.

It's not okay for you

to do anything involving other people...

...when you're not dressed.

I'm wearing a sweater.

Listen to me. Get with the program.

I'm looking out

for your best interests here.

Now, if you wanna give the illusion

that you are not completely demented...

...you will heed my advice on this. Okay?

Put some pants on.

Put some pants on.

Let's never talk about that.

Done.

How's your mom?

She's okay.

She had her first chemotherapy yesterday,

so she's kind of out of it.

Maybe you could visit her.

She hasn't exactly indicated

that she'd be too into that.

It seemed more like maybe... .

Yeah. She's tired a lot.

It's good to see you.

So I came here

because I kind of have a problem.

And you were-- That night on the field,

you were really kind of helpful.

- I was wondering if maybe you could... .

- Yeah. Absolutely.

Okay.

This is gonna sound... .

Okay, whatever.

Apparently, Gabe couldn't wait for me

to find the courage to hook up with him...

...so he decided to hook up

with my best friend.

And it's been pretty awful at school.

I mean, drama, a lot of meaningful looks

across the parking lot.

Anyway, there's this party tonight...

...and I was suppose to go with him

and now... .

I mean, I haven't talked to him.

- Go.

- Really?

Yeah, you have to go.

Look fantastic. Be nice to everybody.

Have a great time.

You do that, you're a rock star.

Come with me.

Let's not get carried away.

Seriously, I walk in with you.

You're older, intelligent, mysterious.

I am mysterious.

I am totally kissing your ass right now.

Come on.

I mean, it would be so cool.

And I would be indebted to you for, like...

...the rest of time.

This is just like a dream I have.

But I'm naked except for my sneakers.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the amazingly beautiful Lucy Hardwicke.

Tonight she's wearing a designer dress

and is escorted by this guy.

- Hey, how's it going?

- Howard Portchnik.

- What did you say your name was?

- Howard Portchnik.

- Portchnik. And your father?

- Rodney Portchnik.

- Is he here?

- In Bermuda, actually.

I don't think I'd be having this party

if he was.

- Have fun, kids, stay awesome.

- Okay.

What was that?

I think, like a million years ago,

my mom had a thing for that guy's dad.

Oh, my God. You're here.

That's so cool of you.

And you are...?

I'm her best friend. Yeah.

I don't... . Do I know you?

I don't know.

Oh, my gosh, Madison's here.

Come on, I have so much I have to tell you.

It's F-ing crazy.

- Go. Go, it's all right.

- You sure?

It's crazy. I'll be around.

We drank so much.

Whoa, hey, you're here. I mean--

I'm a real party animal.

- So how you doing?

- I'm good. Actually, I'm really good.

Oh, that's good.

If you need someone to talk to

or maybe just... .

I don't know.

But I'm pretty much around anytime--

Yeah, great. We gotta keep going, Lucy.

There's some seniors from Carver

we want you to meet. So hot and funny.

Great.

This guy is a complete a**hole.

I could have been the son of an a**hole.

Mom, you're never gonna believe

where I'm standing.

Carter. It's Sofia.

Are you there?

Yeah. Hi. Hey, how are you?

God, I missed you.

So much is happening.

I don't even know where to start.

I just feel like my whole life

is, like, crashing in.

I cry all the time...

... and you are the only person I can talk to

when I'm flipping out like this.

My best friend.

How are you?

Carter?

Are you the pathetic f*ggot

trying to scam on Lucy?

I'm gonna have to call you back.

You think you can step into my 'hood,

slinging game at my girl...

...drinking my boy's brew,

and expect not to be scrapping directly?

- What?

- Are you deaf and stupid? I said--

Don't-- Don't repeat all that, please.

Okay, I think the answer

to your question...

...depends on whether you have,

like, a learning disability...

...or you're just an average moron.

- All right.

- Okay. Above-average moron.

- Don't take that.

- What was that, f*ggot?

- Get him, Gabe.

- What the hell?

- This guy is a good friend of mine.

- You complete a**hole.

No, you don't.

I think we all understand...

...that I am not the complete a**hole

in this situation.

- It was your mistake.

- Would you shut--?

Not me, not this guy,

whatever his name is.

She's amazing.

She's beautiful and intelligent

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