In the Weeds Page #4

I've dated dominatrices

less aggressive.

She's a little strong-willed.

And fat people are big-boned.

Adam,

you've always got an excuse.

Maybe that's the problem.

Your girlfriends need excuses.

That's not true.

Yeah?

What about Lisa?

What?

Her pop was a drunk.

And Deirdre?

Give me a break.

The woman was German.

Jennifer.

Now, kleptomania's

not an excuse.

It's a psychiatric disorder.

She stole your mother's VCR.

What we need to do

is find you a new goldfish.

A nice goldfish.

How about Amy?

How about the new one, Martha?

No, no.

Look, look, look.

I'm in a cleansing period

right now.

The last thing I want to

worry about is sex

or love or any of that other

meaningless bullshit.

So what ever happened to

"Love and Monogamy.

Yeah, Right"?

Despite my thesis,

I want to believe that I have

a soul mate somewhere.

Although with my luck,

he's probably harvesting manure

in Rangoon.

I went in for that

"endless love" crap once.

Biggest mistake I ever made.

Bob.

We were engaged.

He was the heir

to a glue fortune.

Money up the wazoo.

Anyway, before the big day,

we were in the south of France

at this cute seafood restaurant

on the Cte d'Azur.

And I ordered this heavenly

chocolate souffl.

When I say heaven,

I mean heaven.

Chloe, hook me up

with two Merlots on table 16.

Right away.

So Bob asked me how it is,

and I can barely speak.

I mean, I am nearly orgasmic.

The chocolate is literally

melting in my mouth.

So I offer him a taste,

but he declines.

And I say, "Bob, it is

one of the greatest things

I've ever tasted.

It is beyond food.

It is religious.

It's proof that God exists. "

But he wouldn't.

Turns out

he doesn't like chocolate.

It was that good, huh?

I have pictures.

Anyway,

so I'm sitting there thinking,

"What kind of person

doesn't like chocolate?"

Chocolate?

I mean, face it,

it is right up there with sex.

Right up there?

Well, right behind it,

but would you marry a man

who didn't like sex?

- It's a little different.

- Very little.

I'm not f***ing some guy

for life who's not enjoying it.

And I am not sharing dessert

with some guy who can't share

a little Belgian

dark chocolate with me

or Teuscher champagne truffles

or even a goddamn Hershey bar.

So I broke off the engagement.

- Martha, honey.

- Hmm?

You gonna wait for

that old couple to drop dead

before you take their order?

That's the proposal table.

You want me to give it

to somebody else?

No.

I can handle it.

Hi.

Is everything okay?

The drinks were okay?

And the bread?

We're fine.

Can I start you guys off

with something to drink?

Yeah. I'd like a glass

of red wine.

Okay.

Do you have pinot noir?

We do.

But just between you and me,

it's not very good tonight.

Could I suggest a cabernet?

And you're happy with the table?

We're fine.

You're sure?

Well.

Margaret, I know I'm not

the most creative type.

But I've written a poem.

Harold.

Margaret.

"The number of weeks we've known

each other is exactly 52,

and with each passing week,

I discover a new reason

why I love you. "

Harold, that is so sweet.

- Thank you.

- That's not the poem.

"Week one.

Because you're as lovely

as the day is long.

Week two.

Because you laugh at my jokes

even when they're not funny.

Week three. "

Harold, are you gonna do all 52?

Of course, when I say

there's no room for negotiation,

I don't mean to be taken

literally.

Flexibility is a very important

tool in the business world.

Do you know what I mean

by flexibility?

Sport, go get us

a bottle of Pppoli.

Now.

Get it now.

Can I get a bottle

of Pppoli, please?

- How's your first night going?

- Uneventful so far.

Thank God.

Out of Pppoli.

None up here.

Well, can you get some more?

No, I got dupes

up the ying-yang.

You know where the wine is.

You get it.

I've only got one table.

I can get it.

That'd be so great.

Thank you.

Except I don't know

where the wine is.

Here.

Come on.

How's the V.I.P. table going?

Unfortunately, the fact

I hate being a waiter

doesn't stop me

from being a good one.

I care too much, even about

things I don't care about.

So, what's your ambition?

Other than to stop doing this.

I'm a playwright.

Kind of the way

Jesus was a carpenter.

If I drop dead today,

it's not gonna be the way

I'm remembered.

A writer.

I once wanted to write.

I almost went

to journalism school.

Yeah.

Journalism's dead.

Where'd you hear that?

I don't know.

Maybe it wasn't journalism.

Maybe it was something else

that died.

I thought it sounded deep.

Very.

So...

Oh, there we go.

So, what do you want to be

when you grow up?

Wait, wait, wait.

Let me guess.

You want to be an actress.

Getting my master's

in social work.

But you were close.

I'm sorry.

It's been such a long

f***in' week.

I know.

I heard.

Your girlfriend dumped you

for another guy.

Sh*t.

I'm sorry.

Chloe told me.

Okay. Who's she?

Liz Smith?

And for your information,

the breakup was mutual.

Didn't you catch her in bed

with another guy?

Ow.

I'm talking about

the actual breakup.

I mean, sure,

all that stuff happened.

But after I found them together,

I said, "That's it. "

You know when to put

your foot down.

# Amado mio #

# Love me forever #

# And let forever

begin tonight #

# Amado mio #

# When we're together #

# I'm in a dreamworld

of sweet delight #

# Many times I whisper #

# Amado mio #

# It was just a phrase

that I heard him play #

# I was acting a part #

# But now when I whisper #

# Amado #

Why can't your f***in' waiter

check out his own food?

Because I'm here.

Now, when will Simon's food

be ready?

When it's f***in' ready.

You tell that little p*ssy

I want to have a word with him.

Hey.

How's table 12 coming?

Hey, moron.

Next time you ask management

to come in here

and check out one your tables,

I'm gonna use my serrated knife

to remove your colon

from your f***in' a**hole.

Now get the f***

out of my kitchen!

Okay.

Gentlemen, your food

will be right up.

Our chef is just making sure

that it's cooked perfectly.

It better be f***ing perfect.

Because if it isn't,

I'm gonna call the IRS

and tell them how much

you guys really make in tips.

Uno momento,

I gotta go to the bathroom.

Come here.

I'll give it back later.

Do me a favor. Page me.

My beeper's broken.

Your beeper's not broken.

Maybe the batteries are dead.

They'll call.

Adam, our dreams

come true, right?

We don't wind up muttering about

what might have been?

We're gonna make it.

I just hope

it's not posthumously.

Sasha and I are

still dividing assets.

Everything okay here, guys?

We're celebrating.

My friend's getting a divorce.

Oh, congratulations.

Who's the lucky lady?

Maybe I should marry you.

I'm rich.

I'm young.

Put the bull in the bull market.

Oh, is that where you put it?

You should do stand-up.

Oh, I do.

I'm just here to network.

Where's Simon's veal chop?

It's coming.

No, I need it now.

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