InAPPropriate Comedy Page #3

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resembles one.

Hmm. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ok.

I guess the symbolism here

is supposed to mean.

The guy's love for the woman

is so strong,

That's what breaks the table.

And then he punches here

in her slant-Eyed poontang.

Ok, let's go to the bucket.

I can't watch any more.

I think it's gonna be

less than 1.

What do you got, bob?

[GROANS]

[GAGS]

All right, what do we got next?

Hold on.

All right, ok. But

while she's throwing up,

Let's take a break.

[VOMITING]

That's not good.

See ya next time.

[HUMMING]

We got a big surprise

for your 21st birthday.

Come on, come on!

Why am I holding a spear?

It's your birthday stick.

My birthday stick? What?

ALL:
Ohh!

[LAUGHTER]

That n*gger hurt,

that n*gger hurt!

Look at that n*gger hurt!

The damn motherf***er...

damn!

Oh, sh*t!

Whoo!

What the f***?

You have to fight

that motherf***er!

Oh, sh*t!

[HUMMING]

ANNOUNCER:

In san Francisco,

When trouble calls,

one man answers.

Flirty harry.

Ready to stand up

for what he believes in.

You must have some big balls.

Coming in my face...

like that.

I've had my fill

of your mouth, harry!

I will bust your ass

down to traffic cop!

Go ahead.

Hmm?

Bust my ass.

No, no.

No, no, no.

No, no, no!

ANNOUNCER:

Loved by the people,

He's a man's man.

Would you like

to sample my nuts?

I'll pop a couple

in my mouth, sure.

These are extra salty.

ANNOUNCER:

And criminals know.

He means business.

Move, motherf***er.

What the f***

are you looking at, a**hole?

What the f***

are you looking at?!

You're going to do

what I tell you, right?

[CRUNCH]

What the f*** are you doing,

you cocksucking pig?

Easy, now.

I know you're ready to blow.

I'm just going to

push a stool in.

Real slow.

Thinking about

blowing f***ing brains.

All over the f***ing wall,

man pig. Back up.

[C*CKS GUN]

Go ahead.

Blow 'em.

Huh?

Away. [KISS]

[EXHALES]

ANNOUNCER:

"Flirty harry,".

Coming out this summer.

Hi. I'm Ari Shaffer.

You know, according

to experts at Wikipedia,

Asian drivers account for

56% of all traffic deaths.

In the U.S.

Every single day.

That's more deaths

than slavery.

Or "the holocaust" combined.

Whether they're

taking their cars.

And plowing into

our farmers markets.

Or taking their planes

and plowing into pearl harbors,

They're just not safe

behind the wheel.

So either start

an internment camp,

Which is illegal,

or do what I do,

That's Ari's driving school

for the round-Eye impaired,

To help teach

these yellow kitties.

How to handle tough,

American vehicles.

Won't don't you join me today?

Welcome to

"the amazing racist."

Hi, I'm Christina.

Oh. Hi, how are you?

Good.

My name's Ari.

Hi, Ari, nice to meet you.

How are you? I...

how are you?

I will be

your instructor today.

Ok.

Your instructor.

Or sensei. Um...

ok.

Ok, put your seatbelt on.

You're very good-Looking.

Nice.

What?

It's good to look.

Oh, ok.

Hello, Charlie, how are you?

Hi, uh, Steve.

It's nice to, uh...

Nice to meet you.

Oh. Nice

to meet you, too.

Uh, ok, so, um,

Yeah, definitely

put your seatbelt on.

Um...

Go ahead and, uh, pull out.

Should I check

my mirrors, or...

It's not going to make any

difference, dude, but go ahead.

Straight up where you're

going, you're looking good.

You're... you're an authorized

instructor, right?

Easy... yes, I'm an authorized

instructor. Be careful.

This isn't Tiananmen square.

This is not a tank.

Ok.

This is a car.

Ok, sorry.

Your eyes, it would be good.

If you could open

your eyes a little bit.

Just pop them open.

If you just open them up.

Yeah. Just try to...

Yeah, try to keep them open.

Look what I'm doing.

See my eyes?

How they're open?

Yeah.

Can you try to do that?

They...

they are open.

Ehh...

How much do you think

a massage would cost?

Like a...

I don't...

I don't know.

But like, you know...

One of those massages.

What?

What...

[EXHALES]

Did I do something wrong, or...

It's just, you're driving really

f***in' dangerous right now.

Please, just try to

concentrate on the road.

Open your eyes!

Come on.

All right, listen.

Just stay there.

Um...

Just... please, stay on

the road, stay on the road.

I don't know if this is safe.

Please, it's safer than

having your eyes half closed.

Uh, ok.

Ok.

That eye is way better, right?

You can see better

out of that eye now?

Uh, I guess so, yeah.

Do you notice a difference?

Yeah, yeah.

Stay on the road,

stay on the road.

You're doing great,

you're doing fine.

You're doing fine.

There we go.

Careful, careful,

please be careful.

Please be careful,

please be careful.

Maybe after this, uh, some

sort of hand job or something.

What?

Just straight up.

S.A.T. Question.

Um, white people

are to loving their daughters.

As Asian people are to...

Um... I don't know.

Blank their daughters.

White people love... daughters.

When Asian people

have daughters, they...

Can only have one?

They kill them.

They bury them alive.

So that they can have a boy.

Look, look, oh, my god.

Please be careful.

Hey, my cell phone's

not working right now.

Can you take a look at it

and see what's wrong with it?

No!

Can I take this tape off now?

Do you think you're...

are you going to open your eyes?

Yes.

I think that's super unsafe.

I feel like it's not really

helping that much, but...

Ohh!

That hurt?

When you came

to this country, like...

I was born in this country, ok?

F*** you.

Oh, ok. By that,

so when do you...

So who ordered you?

Is there some sort

of crate situation?

No, there's no crate situation!

I'm more American

than you are, Jew.

First of all,

that's uncalled for.

You're uncalled for.

Oh, that's a dog.

There's a dog right up there.

You want to pull over and get

it? You want to grab it?

We'll fry it up for later, dude.

We'll fry it up for later.

Dude, that's a giant one.

That's a German shepherd, bro.

Pull over, we'll just get this.

What are you talking about?

F*** it! It's gone now.

This is f***ing ridiculous.

I can't believe I paid

money for this class.

Listen, listen, I don't...

Some ugly ass old white guy.

I don't... I want this

to end well, ok?

I want everyone to be happy.

I want it to end happy.

- I just want a happy ending.

- Shut the f*** up.

And if I can just get

that happy ending,

- That would be...

- What happy ending?

- $20 worth...

- Are you f***ing serious?!

Oh, money! No! Oh, my god!

I'm sorry.

I've been a little hard on you.

And I so sorry.

I so, so sorry.

Really? Really?

[LAUGHS]

You probably don't

even have a dick.

Do you watch child pornography?

You look like a pervert. You

look like a f***ing pervert.

You are getting me

so horny right now.

Oh, my god.

I thought you were

supposed to be my teacher.

I can barely see you. Is this

what it's like to be you?

How do you get through life

like this, man?

This is crazy.

I so sorry.

I so sorry.

How does this help me drive?

I so sorry.

Just calm down, it's...

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