Internet Famous Page #6

---

and you-you made it

like this thing, this joke.

- You made me a joke.

- The whole world has seen that video.

- You might have your own TV show.

- Yeah, I could have that.

You're right,

I could totally have that

in a way that

I didn't even want.

Well, maybe you should

flip your perspective a bit.

I think you need to go.

Cameraman:

So you ready for the big show?

Announcer:
And now, filming live

from the Anaheim Convention Center

in sunny

Southern California.

It's time for "Chris!"

And here's your host,

Chris.

Welcome!

Welcome, good morning,

good morning.

Today is a very special show,

because we're going to crown

the Web Star of the Year.

And now, it's time

to meet our judges.

Our first judge

is a renowned soul singer

and current host of "HURRY!

Buy this Jewelry NOW!,"

Karen Raye Quivers!

Oh, hey, Chris.

I'm so excited to be here...

for a limited time only.

Our second judge

is a real cutup.

He's always pulling pranks

around the office.

Meet Frank Riggits.

Hello.

Our third judge

is a comic icon.

You know him

from that hilarious trilogy,

"Don't Tell Mom

I Got Turned Into a Donkey!"

It's Larry Trambone.

We'll be right back.

Is that your cat

right there?

- Uh, yeah.

- Nice, nice.

- How much you want for it?

- Excuse me?

That cat.

I'll give you $500 for it.

It's my wife's cat,

so I can't really sell it.

Tell her you took it

to the vet

and there were

complications.

He's just here

for a flea bath.

"Honey, I took the cat

to the vet."

And can you believe it?

"He drowned

in his flea bath."

Jesus, man.

The gray Ford, 2,000 cash.

Final offer for that cat.

- Bethany's coming.

- Okay.

- Should I let her back?

- Yeah.

Chris, hey, it's me.

Yes, me-me, hi.

Hey, um, I wanted to tell you

a little story about myself

- if you don't mind.

- No.

You see, I used to get picked on

and bullied every single day.

And it was really hard.

I mean, I'd come home

with red eyes

and tear-covered cheeks.

And I got made fun of a lot

'cause we were poor

and I couldn't really afford

clothes like these, you know?

- I smelt like a friggin' thrift store.

- Oh.

But every day,

I would see my best friend

at 3:
00 p.m. without fail.

And his name was Chris.

You helped me

through so much.

And I don't think I'd be here

if it wasn't for you.

And I just wanted to say

thank you and...

man, I love you.

I think that you...

are a very special

young man.

And I will always

be your friend.

- Really?

- Always.

Come here.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- Did you get it?

- Every freakin' word.

Oh, my God,

that angle, though.

That's gonna get so many views.

Let's go.

Oh, miss, no-no, thanks.

Yeah, she's a baby. Yeah.

She's literally 14 months old.

I just don't think she needs it.

Thank you.

She's a little baby.

Hey, has anyone seen Mr.

Blankets?

- He's a cat.

- Oh, no, sir.

Been looking all over

for the guy.

Okay, well,

this guy's a real no-show.

I guess I can just put him at the

end and we'll see what happen...

Copy that.

Okay, everybody,

I have your main man

for the evening.

Please welcome

the one and only Chris.

Chris:

Hey, ha ha ha!

Wow!

All of you in one room.

This is amazing.

I'm so glad you guys made it.

- I am such a huge fan, sir.

- Me of you, me of you.

- May I?

- Oh, yeah.

Hello, hello.

Hello.

Wow, it's a tough crowd.

Hi, Chris.

- Hey.

- I'm so excited to be working with you.

Well, I've always thought that

you've two have got a lot of talent.

Good one, Chris.

Now, listen, I know you guys are used to

the isolation of being in your basement

and looking into your video cameras

and everything, but here's the deal.

It's exactly like it is

at home right here.

Except that there's about

12 cameras, okay?

And about 8,000 people in the house, maybe

another ten or 20 million watching.

All right, so no need to be

nervous or anything.

But if you feel

like you gotta hurl,

just make sure you do it before

you get out on stage, okay?

All right, now, uh...

this little host has

to host his own little show now.

So if you'll excuse me,

I'll see you later.

And listen,

good luck to you, okay?

- Bye.

- So long, Chris.

Okay, everybody,

this is how it's gonna go.

All right, you'll do a quick

introduction, they'll roll tape,

you'll do

your live performances.

Keep it under two minutes,

please, guys.

- What?!

- Live performance... no, no, no.

Nobody... nobody said there

was gonna be a live performance.

I didn't know anything

about a live performance,

so I don't think

we're doing it.

- Yeah, nobody told us about that.

- Yeah.

Uh, guys, I don't know

what to tell you.

It's a talent competition,

so it's why you're here.

Well, I guess we'll just have

to whip something up for ya.

Excellent.

Uh, speaking of which,

I have a very special celebrity

talent coach, Mr. Tay Zonday.

Hey, guys,

it's gonna be great.

Just believe in yourselves,

and, yeah...

I don't know

what else to tell you.

Great. Awesome.

Yeah, let's get the photo.

Gorgeous.

Okay, we parked out back?

- Yeah, right around the corner.

- And what was the point of that?

Five minutes, guys.

What do we do?

What do we do? What do we do?

Our top finalists

worked around the clock

with our special celebrity

talent coach Tay Zonday.

Here are some special moments

from that day.

I was so impressed by the

talent in this competition.

Working with them all

so closely, I can safely say,

it's gonna be very hard to predict

how this thing shakes out.

I did everything I could to give

them all the tools they needed.

And anything they didn't

get from me in person,

they can get in my newly released

book called, "Buy My Book."

Available in stores right now.

Buy it.

Just don't ask me what's in it.

Thank you.

Some people read

Jonathan Livingston Seagull.

Others, the "Way of

the Peaceful Warrior."

I just grab a minute with Tay Zonday.

He gave us a minute.

Thanks for watching

the "Chris!" show.

It's Chris.

We'll be right back.

Amber, you're on

in two minutes, okay?

- All right.

- Excuse me, guys, sorry.

Oh, no. Okay.

Writers, what do I do?

You could tell some jokes.

I know this one joke about

two guys that walk into church.

One knows about science,

and one knows about God,

but that ain't

no two minutes, man.

You're probably just going to have to

take it all off and show them the goods.

The goods! That's it!

I'll do Mrs. Cloudbottom.

But my costume's upstairs,

can one of you get it in time?

- I'm on it.

- But, Doug, you're not so fast.

Today, I'm gonna have to be.

Excuse me.

It's going to be okay, Amber.

I-I'm really sorry.

I'm terrible at time management.

- You're on right now, okay?

- Wait...

Come on, baby, come on.

Right now.

Just... just think of

Eddie Murphy.

Our first finalist

is a "comedian"

with over

a half billion views.

Please give it up

for Amber Day.

Amber.

Hi, TV people!

So, Amber, if you get your own

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes