Irish Jam Page #5

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...take one day at a time

and we live in hope.

If you ever hurt her or you

disappoint her...

...I promise you, I'll kill you.

Did somebody just threaten me

with bodily harm?

Well, it's either that or I drop

a line to the Psycho lady.

-Hey, kill me don't call the psycho.

-You'd rather be killed?

-Yes, dead, gone, buried, dirt. Hey!

-Hello, Angel.

-How you doin' there, Princess?

-How are you doin?

Stop it, that's greedy.

Where's mine then?

-The whole village is talking.

-Well, it's all very confusing.

He's a nice enough fella, if you

make out what he's saying.

But him and my only granddaughter...

Oh, it is a bitter pill to swallow.

-It's not a colour thing now, is it?

-God forbid, I'm no racist. Jesus!

I'd always hoped that Michael

and Maureen would be wed.

He's a fine fellow, he's a bit

boring but he'd be a good father...

...to Kathleen. I want good things

for them.

Be careful, Da.

Maureen's old enough to make

her own decisions.

Shove too hard one way, you may

wind up pushing her the other.

Well, I'll be leaving you.

You know Da? I've not seen

Maureen this happy for years.

Kathleen, well she may finally be

about to open up, you know?

Well, you missed your calling.

You should have been one of

them psychological fellas.

What, there's a difference?

See? Jimmy da Jam' s a

professional martial artist.

Now you have your hand here,

because once you block...

...you come through and strike

with the action.

Then, as soon as they come,

jump up in them. All right?

Jimmy Da Jam will teach you some

more tomorrow, once I've loosened up.

Have you no shame, Maureen Duffy?

Bringing disgrace on your own kind?

Walking around hand in hand with

yon fellow.

Aye, he's alright fighting

with the kiddies.

Unless you want to be trying them

moves on a grown man?

Come on, Jimmy the Raspberry

Jam man.

Show young Kathleen what

a big fella you are.

I thought so.

-Come on.

Come on.

-These yanks are all the same.

All mouth, no action.

-What did you say?

I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

Oh God, Jimmy are you okay?

-You hit like a girl. I'm cool.

Come on, let's not be hanging

around with the riff raff.

We're not hanging around with

the riff raff.

You know, they're lucky

you were there.

Because, I was about to go

Bruce on them, you know.

I just use the art of

fighting without fighting.

I left some stew on stewing. I want

to make sure it's stewing properly.

Put some spices in it, you know?

Us black people like it spicy.

All right, catch up with you all

later. Don't forget what I told you.

Hey, Jimmy?

I'm really sorry.

Macho man, baby.

Come on. What youse looking at?

Come on, love.

Please excuse the interruption,

Lord Hailstock.

My name is Suzuki.

-Suzuki?

The Suzuki?

The Japanese industrialist?

It has been brought to my attention

that you are planning to build...

...100 million dollar theme

park in Ireland.

And I would be very interested to

invest in such a project.

I can offer you 90% of the funding

and charge no interest on the loan.

You put in other 10%. I will give

you first recoupment.

Oh, indeed, well that sounds

reasonable.

I think it would be prudent

for us to meet.

I will organise my trip

as soon as possible.

-Great. I look forward to see you.

-So do I. Sayonara.

Pettikreep!

Pettikreep, can you hear me?

Pettikreep!

-Yes, sir?

-Bring me a bottle of the '53.

-Immediately, sir.

-And Pettikreep?

-Yes, sir?

-Did you handle that situation?

-I spoke with him.

It won't be a problem.

He was very agreeable.

I thought so. Bloody yanks will do

anything for money, especially him.

-Good morning, to you all.

-Good morning, Father.

Now, as you all know we have a

new addition to our little family.

So, I thought it would be a good idea

to spice up the sermon a little bit.

In the beginning was the word.

You heard.

It took flight like a bird,

on the wings of truth.

It flies, gives the structure to

all lives. Wipes the tears...

...from men's eyes.

So don't cry.

For Adam and Eve, you and me.

Lord above the King of Kings

sets us all free. Hit it, Da!

Allow me to introduce my new partners

Mr Suzuki and Mr Yamamoto.

Now it seems your little contest

has left you somewhat short.

But, as I'm kind and caring

there'll be no evictions.

Thousands of tourists will soon

be upon us.

And Mr Suzuki has kindly agreed

to offer some of you jobs.

Although menial, it will be a

living. Those of you fortunate...

...enough to be selected. Will

of course be required to wear...

...the official theme park uniform.

Pettikreep.

The pointy shoes haven't arrived

yet. But being as they are one...

...size fits all, I'm sure

they'll be nice and snug.

I'd sooner suck a dead dog's eye

than wear that.

Haven't you done enough damage

to this village already?

Hailstock. This is a house about

the good word.

I ain't got nothing but bad words

for you, so you might want to...

...agitate the ground.

-Right Jimmy. Go on!

Leave you mother...

Excuse me.

Right on. Just go.

And take this Leprechaun with you.

Shame on you.

You know, your mother's got the

sweetest voice I ever heard.

I bet you could sing like that if

you wanted to.

Yeah, I bet you could sing like

Mariah or Janet.

You know, I know Mariah personally.

You don't believe me?

You know, for a quiet little girl,

you see a lot. Run along, now.

I've got to hand it to you, you've

certainly a way with the ladies.

Yeah, but I could never keep them.

Sooner or later they figured me out.

What about you? I mean, what

you going to do?

-About what?

-About what?

You and Maureen.

I mean she needs you. Kathleen

really needs you.

I've tried, Jimmy. Believe me

I have.

But she doesn't seem comfortable

with the idea. It's you she seems...

...to have taken a liking to.

-Me?

-Yeah.

-Me and Maureen?

Mike you're tripping.

It'd never work out.

Besides, you know, I've got my

career to think about, man.

I've got people to see, places to

go, money to make.

You got to keep fighting, man. Its

like my Granpappy did, World War II.

Patton said, 'give me all the black

men, let's see what they can do'.

He joins, they whipped them Germans

all the way back to Berlin, man.

God bless his decorated black ass.

He's a great man. Yes, Lord.

That's a hell of a speech, Jimmy.

But isn't that what you are doing...

...giving up?

Shut up.

Did you bring it?

Here's the information. My Lord

said to make good use of it.

Pettikreep! What the hell are you

doing down here? Slacking as usual.

Any news?

-Just had confirmation that the...

...Japanese funding has been

transferred into the Leprechaun...

...land account.

All those zeros, bloody marvellous.

What happens when the Japanese

find out that the land isn't fit...

...for building on?

-Well, it works like this.

I raise 10 million euros.

Mortgaging the entire village...

...and all its contents to the hilt.

Suzuki provides the other 90 percent.

I immediately award 20 million in

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