Irma La Douce Page #5

- Disappoint all my regulars?

- To hell with them!

Why don't we go away

somewhere for a week?

A week? What are we gonna live on?

If I stay away that long, I'll lose my spot.

- She's got the best location.

- We never have any time together.

You're out there all night,

you sleep all day.

If only Monsieur Camembert were

still around. You remember him?

- Do I? Big spender.

- Who is Monsieur Camembert?

That's what we called him. He was

a cheese wholesaler at the market.

He used to see me twice a week,

always gave me 500 francs...

...so I didn't have to see anybody else.

I had lots of time then.

I went to cooking school,

I knitted sweaters, played solitaire.

He was such a nice man.

What happened to him?

His wife died,

so he stopped coming around.

It was a great loss to all of us.

Hey, girls. Here comes

another busload of tourists.

Irma... stay here.

You're sweet. Kiss me.

You know, I've been thinking.

Maybe you're right. I'm gonna give it up.

You are?

I promise you, this is absolutely

the last pack I'll ever smoke.

All right, we're going.

See you later.

Must be German tourists.

Short leather pants.

Shut up! Tourists, sailors, wholesalers!

I'd like to kill 'em all.

- Listen to him, Jack the Ripper.

- What am I gonna do?

Suppose there was just one man,

a rich customer who gave her 500 francs.

- Would that make you any happier?

- No.

Maybe it would make me

a little less miserable.

How about Monsieur Barnathan,

the goose-liver king?

That nasty old man with the gout?

She wouldn't like it.

Monsieur Leonelli, owns six restaurants,

comes every morning to do the market?

- I don't know him.

- A tall young man, very good-looking.

I wouldn't like it.

What about one of those

Englishmen who drop in here?

You know, Rolls-Royce,

Oxford, Coldstream Guards.

- They're harmless enough.

- You don't understand.

I don't want anybody

to make love to her, except me.

Sentimental slob.

I say there, old chap, I'addition.

That's two onion soups,

a bottle of wine, 15 francs.

Capital onion soup, capital.

Pity we don't have rubber pockets,

we could smuggle some back to London.

An Englishman?

Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea.

- It's worth a try. I say, there!

- No, no, no.

No?

Listen, Moustache, would you lend me

500 francs? That's the perfect solution.

You give me the money, I give it to Irma,

Irma gives it back to me...

...and I give it back to you. It's very simple.

- What?

- Don't you see?

Irma's going to have a rich lover

and it's going to be me.

- You're mad.

- Yes, I'm mad!

I'm desperate. This is the only way out,

and you're gonna help me.

Let's hear it again.

The rain in Spain

stays mainly in the plain.

- No, no, through the nose.

- The rain in Spain...

And show me some teeth.

The rain in Spain stays

mainly in the plain.

- By George, you haven't got it.

- I haven't?

Well, to a lord, you wouldn't be

a lord, but maybe to Irma.

Don't worry, I've seen

every English movie in town.

- Hold still, Your Lordship.

- Tell me once more, where is my castle?

- In... in... Worcestershire?

- No, that's the sauce. In Yorkshire.

- I thought that was a pudding.

- I've done all I can.

Well, let's see. Homburg, umbrella.

- Where's my 500 francs?

- You mean, my 500 francs.

- Thank you, old chip.

- Not old chip, old chap!

- And not that way. On the lift.

- On the what?

The elevator!

Now then, shall we have a go at it?

This may be the biggest setback

for the British since Dunkirk.

I know, I was there.

Last man to be evacuated.

But that's another story.

Hello, Uncle. Lookin' for a little fun?

- Quite.

- Am I your type?

Not quite. Cheerio, old chip.

- Got the time, mister?

- Indeed, but not the inclination.

- Good show.

- Anything I can do for you?

No, thank you. Just browsing.

I say, there, would you call

that a miniature or a toy?

That's not a toy. That's a real live dog.

- I have a dog myself.

- A poodle?

No. The hound of the Baskervilles.

Magnificent beast.

- But then again, so are you.

- You must be British.

Terribly so. Rolls-Royce, you know,

Oxford, Coldcream Guards.

Tell me, are you booked?

- No.

- In that case... I mean, would you?

- That is, could we?

- Why not?

- What did you say your name was?

- Irma. They call me Irma la Douce.

Well, if you don't mind, Miss la Douce,

I'd rather not introduce myself.

- I don't mind.

- In my situation a man must be discreet.

- You may call me... Lord X.

- Lord X. Sure.

No, no, no, no, no, my dear,

that shan't be necessary.

What's the matter?

All I really want is

a bit of companionship...

...a shoulder to cry on,

a smile to lean against.

Say, what does that

X stand for, eccentric?

Let me ask you something, my dear.

Do you find me repulsive?

No, not at all. You're rather nice-looking,

for a lord your age.

Thank you. You see,

my wife, Lady X, she does.

- Does what?

- Finds me repulsive.

Ignores me completely. Spends

all of her time cultivating the garden.

And what's worse...

cultivating the gardener.

- The gardener?

- The other day I was watching them...

...from the turret of the castle.

They were in the flower bed together...

...and he was pruning her begonias.

- They oughta be ashamed.

Yes, and it was such a jolly marriage,

those first few years.

We'd sit in front of the fire and play

double solitaire and Chinese chequers.

Solitaire? I play solitaire.

Capital! Could we?

That is, uh, would you? I mean, shall we?

I don't care, as long as

you're paying for my time.

Don't worry about the money.

You take the red, I'll take the blue, hm?

I once knew a gentleman and all he'd

do is scatter some marbles on the floor...

...and make me

pick them up with my toes.

How odd.

- I never played double solitaire before.

- We play off on each other's aces, hm?

The rain in Spain stays

mainly in the plain, you know.

- No, I didn't know.

- Hm, it's a fact.

That's where I met my wife,

in Spain, in the rain, in the plain.

I was stationed in Gibraltar.

- Your wife, Lady X, is she beautiful?

- Very, and very passionate.

So I can't really blame her.

You see, I came back

from the war a shattered man.

- I was wondering about your eye.

- Oh, bit of detached retina.

Happened at Navarone. Those beastly

guns popping off all the time.

I have a silver plate in this elbow.

Sink the Bismarck, that was.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- I have one eye, one elbow, it's not tragic.

What is tragic, however...

- I'd rather not talk about it.

- Well, if you'd rather not.

I was in a Japanese prison camp

on the River Kwai.

There was a rather nasty explosion.

Whole ruddy bridge fell down on me.

When they dug me up, I was

only half a man, a hollow shell.

- You've been through a lot, haven't you?

- Well, mad dogs and Englishmen, eh?

With Lawrence in Arabia, with

Sherpa Tenzing up the Himalayas.

And then there was

the charge of the Light Brigade.

India, you know. Gunga Din, eh?

Bengal Lancers. Ta, ta!

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