Irreplaceable You Page #3

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- Well, it's gonna be a teddy bear.

- Ah.

Is that for your nephew?

No. It's, uh, for me to be buried with.

[Kate] Ah. Well, I like

that you're thinking ahead.

Smart lady. [slight chuckle]

Hey, Myron, your doily

is really coming along.

Yeah. I... I wish I could say the same

for the rest of my life.

Every morning I wake up,

new lease on life,

lasts about 20 minutes.

Then I remember...

the Mets suck,

there's construction on the F train,

I got a leak in my roof

that's gonna cost $3,500.

Apparently, I still sweat the small stuff.

Hard not to.

How is Estelle holding up?

She's good.

There's a new hawk in Central Park.

Every morning we go out there

and watch the little guy.

I hope she keeps up the bird-watching

after I'm gone.

With whatever new guy she's banging.

[whistles]

[laughs]

Welcome to group.

- It's the way we roll.

- We have fun.

Cool.

The whole point is to mingle.

Not feeling up to it.

Neither does anybody. That's why we do it.

Myron.

Multiple myeloma.

You've never heard of it?

Stay a while.

I'm not really a mingler.

Not a crocheter either, apparently.

Didn't have time

for pointless hobbies then,

really don't have time for them now,

and I'm especially uninterested

in discovering

that crocheting is a metaphor

for healing or whatever.

What you're feeling is totally normal.

You know, I wish people

would stop telling me

that totally insane things

are totally normal.

Insane things are normal.

Have you looked around?

And you just accept that?

You just accept everything

that's going on?

You make jokes about your wife

having a new boyfriend?

I don't accept it, but in the event

that I do kick the bucket,

I hope she does find a boyfriend.

Somebody nice.

Less well-endowed to be sure, but nice.

Well, I just think

I am in a different situation.

Sam and I met when we were kids,

we've been together forever.

- How old is he?

- Thirty-one.

Yeah, he's gonna go through

a major slut phase.

[laughs]

I also have Tourette's.

Good to know.

Yeah. You come back.

Nice to meet you, Myron.

Nice to meet you, Abbie.

- And thanks for the advice.

- All right.

Are you gonna go through a slut phase?

What?

No.

Why would you say that?

You're not even thinking about it?

That's the absolute furthest thing

from my mind right now.

It's further than like

meeting someone on Tinder. [chuckles]

Okay, but Tinder can't be

that far from your mind

because you just said it, which means

you had to be thinking about it,

which means

you're thinking about this too.

Yeah. I'm busted.

I'm serious.

Look at you.

- The puppy-dog eyes.

- What?

The absent-minded professor thing.

- I'm just a TA.

- [sighs]

- This is a disaster.

- What are you talking about?

You don't know.

Because you have no experience.

Women are gonna eat you alive.

- I can take care of myself.

- But what if you can't?

Who's gonna match your socks

or keep up with your glasses

or make you chicken?

You don't make me chicken.

Yeah, but I would, hypothetically.

Well, our hypothetical chicken

has been in the freezer for like a year.

What are you doing?

Figuring out how to cook a chicken.

Now?

No time like the present.

How do I cook a chicken?

[Siri] Let me think about that.

Okay, I found this on the web

for "How do I cook a chicken?"

It's gonna be amazing.

[Abbie] Just 'cause you're dying

doesn't mean your life stops.

Then how come at the end of Reloaded,

Neo can just all of a sudden

use his powers outside of the Matrix?

Explain that.

Because the entire Matrix was a metaphor,

and if you can't see that,

you're in the Matrix right now.

[Abbie] There's still ups...

and downs...

and aerobics.

Some things are pretty easy to let go of.

Some things are harder.

It's like you forget all the other things.

Somehow am I moving

Too slow

You lead, I'll follow

Ooh

Abbie, have you read the new Cleocatra?

Marianne Hall's awesome.

She writes this whole narrative

about a feline in Ancient Egypt.

I think we should take a meeting with her.

Abbie?

Oh, yeah. It's great. I love it.

Are you on a dating app?

Cancer making you super horny for girls?

Who uses these things anyway?

I don't know.

Um, I do.

But why are you on it?

Just... research.

Okay, um, I'm gonna set up this meeting.

Cool?

Oh, yeah. Sure, Melanie. Make it work.

Sweet.

I hide

You seek

Whatever you find

You keep

I can stay here in the dark

Slutty. Sluttier.

Ooh.

Triplets.

[Jim] And so, uh, when my numbers

came back this time,

I just, honestly,

I just thought I can't keep fighting.

[Kate] Jim, you don't have to go there.

'Cause it's all about attitude.

Well, let's let Jim have his process.

[Kate] Oh, absolutely. Yeah.

I just think that his process

should be more positive.

Everyone is entitled to... to be sad.

Thank you.

It's not even your cancer.

- I... I like to think of it as me.

- Of course you do.

You know what I'm loving these days

is meditation.

And I... I know it sounds trite,

but I just have been feeling so blessed

every time I sit there in silence.

Maybe you could try that now?

[laughs]

Or we could laugh.

- That's okay too.

- Sorry.

I'm sorry. Just...

Some of these women are so cheesy.

"I want to dip you in whipped cream

and put my cherry on top."

What does that even mean,

anatomically speaking?

Using a sundae model

as a sexual proposition.

It is confusing. I have to s...

I mean, cherry... cherry's

got to be a hymen, right?

- Probably a busted hymen.

- [Kate] Mm-hmm.

I... I, um... mine broke on a horse.

And me, I was born without one.

- So...

- It was my favorite horse, though.

Okay, uh, that's about it for today.

Shadow.

Were you sexting just now?

Let me have my process.

Your process is sexting?

You're the one who said

Sam would go through a slut phase.

I thought you were crazy,

but then I thought about it more,

and he's gonna be a chick magnet.

And the worst part is, he's gonna have

no idea how to handle it

because he's never had to date.

He's gonna be lonely and vulnerable.

He could wind up with someone

really controlling and crazy.

Imagine that.

I have to make sure he finds love

and learns how to cook chicken.

Classic rookie mistake.

What are you talking about?

Thinking you can do something

to lessen the loss.

There's a word for what you're doing.

It's a technical term.

- You want to know it?

- No, thanks.

"Anticipatory grieving."

Trying to cope with the loss

before it happens.

So, Meryl over there

writes a birthday card to her husband

for every year she's gonna be gone,

and Jim...

makes a video montage

of himself as Santa

for all the Christmases

he's gonna miss with his kids.

It doesn't change anything.

Look, what do I know?

My advice? You're hooking him up,

concentrate on a booty.

Yours, you know, it's... it's flat.

[laughs]

My booty is not flat.

You have a terrible ass.

F*** you.

Here, give me that.

- Oh, you got a match.

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