Irreplaceable You Page #4

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- Oh, really?

- Sexypants89.

- Okay, let me see that.

Why the 89?

[Abbie] Why do you think?

She was born in 1989.

- And then you hit another one.

- That scrolling? Yep.

What happens if I do that?

- Uh-oh!

- Ooh.

[Benji] We can look into doctors,

and, um, experimental treatments,

and all that sh*t.

I mean, she's gonna beat the odds, man.

I mean, that's what odds are for.

You know, for beating.

Man, look, I bet Abbie

is on the phone right now

- with doctors from Germany just like...

- Benji.

Yeah?

Talk about something else.

- Yeah.

- I mean, I...

Okay. Let me see that.

Something else.

Okay, guess how many people

have the same birthday as you?

Ten million.

You know the percentage

of identical twins?

- Five?

- Mm-mm. Three.

Oh, man, did you know

that a pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes?

- Seriously?

- Thirty whole minutes, man, yeah.

And then when bats fly out of a cave,

they go left.

- Why?

- Hell if I know, man.

Donald F. Duck. What's his middle name?

- Frank.

- No.

- Frederick.

- No.

- F... Uh...

- Fauntleroy.

[both laugh]

- Fauntleroy.

- Faunt what?

Tell Abbie she has

really good pot too, man.

[Abbie] You know, I'm only trying

to prepare him for the inevitable.

[Dominic] Mm-hmm.

I mean, let's be real.

Life is gonna go on.

I'm gonna go ahead

and just stop you right there.

This is all maybe some of the dumbest sh*t

that I have ever heard in my entire life.

And if you do get better,

you're gonna feel like a real ass.

You are not allowed

to talk to me like that, okay?

I'm sick.

I don't think that makes you special

in this context.

[coughs feebly]

Not working.

- [coughing]

- No. No.

No, come on, that's not gonna work.

Nope. Nope. The pouty thing...

that's not working either.

No, none of it. None of it.

Are you showing me your tubes?

- That's very mature. That's...

- Get off my chair.

- You want some orange rice?

- No.

- No? All right.

- Thank you.

- It's a pretty dumb idea, though.

- It is not dumb.

[sighs]

He's kind of, uh, a little academic.

[laughs]

So I decided to cut out gluten.

That was like the first thing that I did.

I would just like wake up in the morning

and feel like totally fatigued.

Just like, "eh."

[Abbie laughs]

You know, into his, uh, sciencey stuff.

I don't really get any of it, but...

[both laugh]

[Abbie] No, no, no.

You know, it's the weirdest thing.

My cat's name is Sam.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Thank you.

[Abbie] Too freaky. Too needy.

Too slutty. Too neurotic.

And, you know, he's allergic to cats.

So... so, you know, if you have...

Okay then.

[sighs]

So it says on your online profile

you were Phi Beta Kappa.

- I had no life in college.

- [laughs]

And now you're a researcher

for the National Institute of Health?

Yes. Still have no life.

I'm just... I'm just tired of being alone.

I'm where I want to be career-wise,

and I really would like to settle down

and have a family.

Oh, my God. Sorry.

It was gonna fall over.

Natural caretaker.

Also overbearing neurotic.

I'm the same way.

Um...

Let's set up a date.

Okay.

Um, just...

If I could just be honest with you,

um, I just don't quite understand

why a man would send his assistant

to pre-interview women.

I just... I don't get it.

Yeah, um...

Here's the deal.

[Abbie] Sally!

Please don't hold it against him!

This is the craziest thing like ever!

- Oh, sh*t. Oh, sorry! I'm sorry!

- No, I got it.

Got it.

It's kind of a long story.

I... I think I heard it.

I mean, I know I shouldn't,

but spying on the customers

is like the only thing

that makes this job halfway bearable.

You are way more interesting than most.

I know, it's unusual.

Yo, dude, I think it's awesome.

Like, my mom died seven years ago.

I was in high school.

And after she passed,

my dad spent every night alone.

And I tried to tell him, "Go out.

Live life. Find someone."

But not just anyone. The right person.

Exactly. Which is hard.

[laughs] Right.

I mean, do you have any like friends

or anything that could

like take him off your hands?

Not anyone that would get this.

Right.

I mean, the thing is, finding

the right one is actually about volume.

You should host a mixer.

- No, like, invite some people.

- Yeah, right.

Nothing says "fun" like a mixer

hosted by your dying fiance.

I mean, I'm having an art opening...

at this gallery space on Friday.

You could use it as a front.

You, like, wouldn't even need to be there.

And... And an art opening could bring

together some really interesting women.

Like the right types. Not that

there wouldn't be some people there

with like interested in the free snacks,

but...

I wouldn't want to...

No, honestly, dude,

you'd be doing me a real solid.

[laughs]

I'm Abbie.

I'm Mira.

[mellow music]

A hundred and fifty dollars?

This place is a rip-off.

I could make this myself one week tops.

Focus, please.

We just need to freshen up

Sam's look a little.

Why is that again?

[sighs] Trust me.

Any woman that meets him

is gonna want to shop for him.

The wrong one will put him in these.

- What are you doing?

- What?

You're the only one who gets to make

bad decisions because you're dying?

Terminal cancer. Put it on my bill.

You're just so cool with everything.

I'm not cool with any of this.

I've been dying longer than you have.

You get better at it.

How?

Well, it's like this vest.

At first it's, "Why is that old man

wearing that horrible vest?"

Pretty soon I become the vest guy.

After that, you realize that

you'd hardly recognize me without it.

I look comfortable in it.

It's a part of me, so...

you accept it.

I don't think I can ever accept you

in that vest.

No?

Try this on. I want to see

what it'll look like on Sam.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

But let me pair it

with some skinny jeans.

[laughs]

- Okay.

- I look three days younger.

Come on.

These... Oh!

They're cutting off my circulation.

Seriously, my ankles are tingling,

my feet are asleep.

- You look hot!

- It's just...

Can I ask what this is about?

Just some retail therapy.

Right.

And where am I supposed

to put my phone?

Now...

Okay, this jacket is dry clean only.

Which means, if I'm not around,

do not put this in the laundry.

Oh.

Sh*t. Laundry.

All right, so...

- In here.

- Really?

- Okay, so...

- I know how to turn it on.

Yeah, but colors, whites, delicates.

Right.

The dryer sometimes gets stuck,

so, uh, you just give it two kicks.

[kicks twice] Right here. Like that.

- And it will generally unstick itself.

- [kicks twice]

Exactly.

Uh, this dial is the minutes.

It tells you how much time you have left.

If the time runs out

before the clothes are ready, you just...

turn the dial.

- Hmm. Wait.

- What?

- [groaning]

- Are you okay?

[coughing, retching]

Yeah, I tend to have that effect on women.

[both laughing]

Too soon?

[both laughing]

Yeah, too soon.

[delicate music]

- [Sam] I love you, Abs.

- [Abbie] I love you, Sam.

[Sam] I've loved you since the beginning.

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