Irreplaceable You Page #5

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[Abbie] I've loved you

since the beginning.

- [Sam] And I'll always love you.

- [Abbie] I'll always love you.

[machine buzzing]

- [Sam] I'll love you forever.

- [Abbie] I'll love you forever.

Mom, would you stop?

Hospitals are very dehydrating.

Don't touch your face.

I don't want you to get sick.

[indistinct PA announcement]

More sick.

Everything going okay in here?

Hey, Mom, you want to do me a favor

and run down to the cafeteria

and get us some Ho Hos?

- Ho Hos?

- Yeah. You don't know Ho Hos?

They're like little pinwheel cakes.

Chocolate covered. They're delicious.

- How about if I get you a green salad?

- Great.

- Green juice.

- That sounds great.

Yeah, but don't forget

those Ho Hos though.

I got a little bit of a sweet tooth.

- [Jane] They still make Ho Hos?

- They still make them.

Thanks, Mom.

Psychology.

Spirituality.

[gasps] Oh! Here we go.

Vegetable Gardening for Dummies.

Camping for Dummies.

Ooh. He could take up Bridge.

- It could help him meet people.

- Oh. Here's a good one.

The Art of Letting Go.

Try that.

Look, if you don't agree

with what I'm doing...

I don't. But I enjoy hanging with you.

It's interesting.

You're like a slow-moving car crash.

- Ooh.

- Thanks.

[sighs] It's exactly how I feel, actually.

It's like I'm heading

towards this brick wall,

and I can't do anything...

- Myron?

- Here. Look at that.

Myron!

Hey, I'm not dead yet.

Oh, my gosh.

- You're gonna get that?

- Yes. It's a keeper.

- It's not a Dummy book.

- Okay.

- No, don't. That's enough.

- Okay. Okay.

[Abbie] "Likes vegetable gardening

and is learning to play Bridge."

What if I had run away and joined a cult?

I guess I would have to join too.

What if relationships between

cult members was frowned upon?

Like an asexual cult?

Yeah. And you couldn't do an intervention

and get me out

because I was totally brainwashed.

Hmm.

Well, I guess I would have to become

a rival cult leader,

re-brainwash you

according to my philosophy,

and then steal you away into my cult,

which would be a sex cult.

[laughter]

What if I were exactly like me,

except I had really terrible halitosis.

I would get you a mint.

Or I would destroy the olfactory receptors

in my nose so that I didn't care.

What if I die?

I would...

never recover.

Should I be able to tell

that you're circumcised in those jeans?

'Cause I can. And there's not

a lot of, uh, room for imagination

or your penis in those pants.

I don't want to go to this.

I don't... I don't know anything about art.

- I don't even like art. I'm color-blind.

- Would you relax?

- She just wants people there.

- Is she hot?

Trust me, Benji, it will be

a target rich environment.

See? Come on, man. Free food, cute girls.

Come on, let's do this.

How exactly do you know this artist again?

We met randomly at a cafe,

and we really bonded and...

- When?

- I... I don't know. I just...

I don't want to disappoint her.

Are you sure you can't come?

I- I don't feel up to it. Trust me.

Okay. W... We'll go, just as long

as you stop touching my hair.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

- You're adorable.

- [laughter]

- Stop that!

- Oh, he can move in them!

- [Abbie] Let's go.

- No, not really.

Man, I think you look amazing.

I mean, this is genius.

- Like, there's zippers and keys.

- Shut up.

Okay, okay.

It's gonna be great.

Have fun.

We got this. We got this.

I mean, that ass, right?

[Benji] Come on, hold my hand.

[hip-hop music]

To really get into the souls

of what it is that you want, you know,

'cause that's what I focus on.

You know? Just how the female energy

makes a man who he is.

[muffled hip-hop music]

[Abbie] Is he mingling?

He's admiring the art.

Sam doesn't care about art.

Nah, he's just hoping if he keeps

himself occupied with an activity,

no one will actually talk to him.

[Myron] He's very good-looking.

Can I say that and not be awkward?

Uh, that's my whole point.

What about you and your wife?

How'd you two meet?

At a party.

We were in college.

We got hitched three years later.

That's it? No story?

The story came after.

Getting married. Life.

Building a home. Kids, grandkids.

Sorry.

It's okay.

I won't know the difference, I guess.

I just want those things for Sam.

- I have to hand it to you.

- What?

You are stubborn.

This might be the worst plan in the world,

but you're committed to it,

and I like that.

Yeah, well, don't be too impressed.

Hasn't worked yet.

I don't know about that.

What?

Let me see that.

[scoffs]

No, that's just the girl whose show it is.

[Myron] So?

[Abbie] So she's just doing this

as a favor to me.

- So?

- So, she's not his type.

Yeah?

[Abbie] Oh, no. Don't do the snorty laugh.

Ugh! He did the snorty laugh.

- Oh, he does that when he's...

- When he's nervous.

Happy.

Here.

Estelle's hot chocolate.

It cures whatever ails you.

Except cancer.

To the things we do

for the people we love.

Mmm. Hits the spot.

[Benji] Dude.

I thought your friend said

he had a girlfriend.

He has.

Twelve.

Well, as long as he's up front about it

with everyone, right?

Oh, yeah.

Nah, he's definitely not.

[laughs]

Well, this was something.

Your... Your work is really specific.

Oh, wow.

That's the best you could do? "Specific"?

Oh, I didn't mean... You know,

I don't know anything about art.

I'm actually color-blind.

- It's black and white.

- Yeah, I'm just gonna shut up now.

No, it's okay. I know it's crap.

It's not crap.

It... I... You know, there's, uh,

this one with the face

that looks like a butt.

Oh, yeah. "Butt face."

- That's the title?

- No.

It's actually a self-portrait.

Really?

No!

God, is that what you think I look like?

- Oh, God.

- Stop doing that.

I'm sorry. Sorry.

I know I shouldn't mess with you.

I know you and Abbie

are going through a lot right now.

Well, it's... it's actually nice

to talk about something else.

Donald F. Duck. What's his middle name?

Fauntleroy.

How do you know that?

Because everybody knows that.

Oh.

Well, good night.

Are you okay to get home?

I actually... I... I live upstairs

in... in a closet.

It's... Well, it's not a closet.

It's actually a huge bedroom

by New York standards,

but it's still a closet.

Okay, well, good night.

Bye.

I just want to say, actually,

I know it's none of my business,

but you guys, you and Abbie, you're...

really inspiring.

Thank you.

What she's doing, it's...

To care about someone so much

that you would try and find a way

to take care of them and find

a path for them after they're gone...

I feel like if someone loved me like that

for like five minutes,

I would probably feel like the luckiest

person on the face of the planet.

I'm sorry, I... I got to go.

I'm sorry.

I know you're not really sleeping.

Because I know how your breathing sounds

when you sleep.

Which is something

you don't even know about yourself.

[laughs]

I know everything about you, Abbie.

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