Irreplaceable You Page #6

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But I have to say, you still know

how to shock the hell out of me.

What do you mean?

The clothes.

- The mixer.

- Sam...

For the record, I am not a dummy.

I know what's going on.

And I went along

with you trying to help me

because I know it's helping you.

But setting me up? Are you serious?

Please. You spend your life

talking about protons and neutrons.

- Neurons!

- Okay, okay.

Sam, most people don't find

what we had... have

once, much less twice in a lifetime.

What we have? You mean, a relationship

where one person is... is lying,

and sneaking around,

- and manipulating?

- It's for your own good!

You just tried to manipulate my life!

Or you mean a relationship

where you have such a low opinion of me,

that you truly believe that nobody else

on the planet would ever fall for me.

Obviously not. But that's the whole point!

You're gonna get swarmed,

and it's gonna be impossible

to find the right person!

I already found the right person!

Or I thought I had.

Abs, I didn't...

You know I didn't mean that.

Hey, come here.

Are you okay?

What is she thinking? Does she think

I'm completely clueless with women?

- Benji?

- No.

Yeah? No.

- Wait, what?

- I hate you.

I love you, though.

You just... You've never seen me in action.

Hmm. No.

No, I have never seen you in...

Actually, I don't...

I never want to see you

in action either, man.

You know what, actually?

Let me see your look.

Let me see your come hither look, man.

It's just like...

You know, let me see that.

Do it. Come on. Come on.

Throw a little hair in there.

- Well, like...

- [laughs]

Oh, God.

Uh, just stop, man.

I don't ever want to see that again.

I mean, it's just really upsetting.

Yeah, well, it's all pretty upsetting.

I know.

What do I do?

Look, all you can do is be there for her,

however you can.

I mean, look, she's got to be

scared out of her mind.

And right now, she just needs to know

that if the worst thing happens...

that you are gonna be okay.

What if I don't know if I'm gonna be okay?

Well, I guess, um...

you pretend.

You pretend.

[Sam sighs]

Are you ready to drop

this mishigas with Sam?

You think I should?

Here's what I know:

You don't have as much time

as you think you do.

- I don't?

- No.

- What are you trying to say?

- I'm not saying it, the Buddha did.

I didn't realize you were Buddhist.

I'm not, but it stuck with me.

And it's true for you.

It's true for every person on the planet.

[Myron] I need some snacks.

- Could you...

- Oh.

I can't believe you eat those things.

They're tasty.

The chemo has clearly destroyed

your taste buds.

Try one.

They're disgusting.

Keep going. You get to tasty.

[crunches]

- Just about 20 of these.

- Mm-hmm.

So there's ten for you and ten for me.

[Abbie] The second bite

is actually not as bad.

[Myron] Good for you, too.

[laughs]

Okay.

Someone...

who hikes.

What?

In the future, if I ever did this again,

which I probably won't,

but if I did,

and if it makes you feel better to know,

it would be with someone who hikes.

- We never hike.

- Because you hate it.

That's not true.

We took that one hike up Bear Mountain

ten years ago,

you complained the entire time.

That's because hiking is boring.

It's basically walking.

And walking is something you do

to get somewhere.

Hiking from your car up a hill

and then back to your car

is totally pointless.

Okay.

- Duly noted.

- Thank you.

Hiking.

What else?

- I like dancing.

- [scoffs]

I would like to try

ballroom dancing classes.

You know, like the fox-trot or the waltz,

even though...

- It's lame.

- I know you think it's lame.

- The fox-trot? Seriously?

- Yeah!

How about something

just moderately nerdy like swing.

Is this person for you or for me?

Okay.

- Good.

- I get it.

I'll update your profile.

What profile?

This profile.

God.

You're welcome.

- You've been pretending to be me?

- So...

Well, you know.

- So, Sam...

- Did I tell you you're sick?

Likes neutrons and...

- merengue.

- Neurons! Neurons!

[laughs]

God!

Okay. What do you think of this picture?

You took a picture of me

while I was sleeping?

Mm-hmm. Oh, come on.

I worked really hard on this.

No? You want me to take another one?

- Yeah, let's take another one.

- Okay.

Okay, ready? Okay, come on.

- What?

- Smile.

Okay. What do you think?

- What do you think of that? Oh.

- That's good.

- Uh-huh.

- In black and white.

You want to... You want to add something?

Yeah. Um, maybe like, uh,

"It's what's inside that counts"?

[Sam] Are you coming to bed?

- [glass shatters]

- Oh.

[Sam] Abbie?

Abs, what is it?

It's broken.

- Oh, sh*t.

- It's broken.

It's okay. We can just...

We can get another one. It's fine.

No, we can't!

You gave it to me when we were kids.

[Jane] You've hardly touched your food.

You look thin.

Are you feeling all right?

I'm sorry. I'm just not hungry.

But I appreciate you visiting.

Well, of course I'm gonna visit.

I'm your mother.

You know, my, um,

my support group leader Shawna?

She's great.

And she says that there's a...

an intelligence to the universe and...

Wait. You're in a support group?

Yeah. You know, for parents of...

Well, anyway, um,

I was sharing with the group

what you were doing with Sam...

You know, for... for Sam.

And, um, they didn't think

it was a healthy coping strategy.

Yeah, well, I'm not healthy, so...

Come on, now. Don't be that way.

You know, miracles happen.

Okay, you have "cancer."

- It's not "cancer." It's cancer.

- Now, that is not what I meant.

And you don't like my "coping strategy"

because you'd rather live

in a "fantasy land"

than accept the fact

that I'm not gonna be here.

Well, how the hell

am I supposed to accept that?

Look, Mom, I get it.

You got a raw deal.

First Dad, way too soon, and now this.

And I'm sorry that I'm dying

and leaving you all alone.

And I'm sorry if I'm going about it

in a way that is not acceptable

to your support group,

but I don't believe

there's an intelligence to the universe.

I think the universe

is dumb and mean and wrong,

- and I am doing the very best I can...

- All right.

To make it and Sam

a little bit more all right.

- Ab... Abigail.

- Okay?

Come on. All right, don't do that.

Don't leave. Don't go.

Honey! Abbie!

So, I, um...

I found a service online

that can turn you into a tree

when you die.

You curl up in a little pod

and they put your body

in a fetal position,

and then they rest you inside of a tree.

Or... Or you can be part of a coral reef.

That's great. You can either be

worm food or fish food.

Well, you become part

of a larger ecosystem either way.

[Phil] No, no, no.

You don't become anything,

because you are dead.

Corpse. Dead. Mort! Yeah?

Your doily's ugly.

Mm. I...

I'm just trying to find

something positive here, Phil.

People need to relax.

- I don't want to relax!

- Okay.

I want to fight.

I want to fight,

and the way that I do that...

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