It Could Happen to You Page #4

- What about Treasury Bills?

They're for little old ladies.

Which you certainly are not.

Aren't you a tiger!

Why can't you change 20 dollars?

You drive all day!

- We go get change.

- No, you have to break this.

Hi!

Hi... Can you break a 20?

Repeat after me:

"Keep the change."

- Keep the change.

- Thank you.

- Oh my God, the boat!

- Oh, no! Wait!

I suppose your wife is...

She's in her element. Stockbrokers,

accountants. She'll enjoy it.

- What about you?

- I hate boats. I'm relieved.

- I think this is sturgeon.

- Definitely not.

- It's like velvet.

- Scottish salmon. The very best.

More champagne?

- It's not bad, for a Californian.

- You're not kidding. Fooled me.

- This is living.

- And it's just beginning.

- You can say that again!

- And it's just beginning.

Thank you.

It's a pleasure to have you here.

A cocktail? Some champagne?

Champagne? Champagne.

- You decided not to be an actress?

- I decided to become a waitress.

I had the "tress" part right.

And I was a great waitress.

I saw you bought the place.

- I passed by the other day.

- And you didn't come in?

Well, I... I figured you were busy.

Please, you have to come in

and see what I did.

I have a table with your name on it,

for people who can't afford a meal.

Of course.

After what you did.

What I did? I made a promise

and I kept it, period.

- Most people would do the same.

- Nobody would!

Are you kidding?

What you did was like a fairy tale.

And everyone gets to

live happily ever after?

- Well, that's a hopeful sight.

- You think?

I always wonder...

What's in store for them?

Are they going to be happy?

If she puts on 50 pounds,

will he love her anyway?

- How long were you married?

- Three years.

To an actor named Eddie.

Who suggested, if we had a child,

that we name him Al Pacino.

- Al Pacino Biasi.

- Come on!

Muriel and I met in high school,

in one of those cooking classes -

- where the boys dress like chefs.

And there might be a fire drill...

- And you're outside in your aprons?

- Exactly. Even now, I get chills.

Anyhow, we started dating, and...

Muriel was the first girl I ever...

Really?

- Oh. Well, that's sweet.

- I guess.

We went to get the marriage licence,

and there was this other couple...

Orthodox Jews.

It was an arranged marriage.

They weren't allowed to see each

other. They couldn't get a glimpse.

And I thought, "They don't

even know if they're attracted."

"They don't know if they've

got anything to talk about."

Now, ten years later, I bet they're

happily married with six kids.

But Muriel and I have nothing

to say. I don't know what happened.

We're on two different channels.

I'm CN N, she's "Home Shopping".

How would you feel about dancing?

Oh, I'd... be in favour of it.

When I was on night shift,

I felt like an explorer.

There's this whole other city

that goes on all night long.

- Am I talking incessantly?

- Yes.

But I like it.

I myself am a talker.

It's nice to meet somebody you

can just talk with, and hang with.

Look... here's the thing.

I'm free all the time, basically.

So if you ever want to do something,

or you want company...

Really?

How about tomorrow?

- Too soon?

- No, not at all.

Okay, great. I'll have

Carol watch the register, -

- and you could pick me up at noon?

I'll be there.

Goodnight.

Weirdest thing happened.

I thought I'd dropped my wallet.

Weirdest thing happened.

I came out because I felt seasick.

Weirdest thing happened...

- I have some ideas for you...

- Weirdest thing happened.

- I have some ideas for you...

- Weirdest thing happened.

Wasn't the veal fabulous?

That was what was so weird.

I expected chicken.

I would have come sit with you,

but Mr. Gross...

Jack Gross.

Pleased to meet you, Officer.

He's going to help us develop

an economic strategy.

- What a great idea.

- She's some girl. Smart.

Beautiful...

And she knows what she wants.

- See?

- I agree.

Thank you very much for a

very stimulating evening, Mr. Gross.

- If you ever need any advice...

- I will be calling.

Ready?

- I got to get my coat.

- Bye-bye.

- You're doing great!

- I never had great balance.

I tried skiing. They threw me off

the "Peter Rabbit" slope.

- Your knees. That's the problem.

- One of them!

There's a little bit of a hill here,

so you might want to watch it.

- Slow down!

- I can't.

- Sure you can!

- Sure I can't!

Charlie, turn!

- Are you okay?

- Fine.

I'll catch leprosy from the water,

but otherwise I'm okay.

So I guess this is it

for you and rollerblading?

I would have to say yes.

Okay, your turn. What next?

What do you want to do?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've just won the lottery.

Tonight's ride home is on me

and Miss Yvonne Biasi.

- What's going on?

- They're treating everybody.

- This is going to be hard to top.

- I'll top it.

Welcome to Charlie Lang,

Yvonne Biasi, -

- Officer Bo Williams -

- and all the kids

from Woodside, Queens.

I know, I know.

I'm trying.

It was a great day for me, too.

- What the hell is she doing?

- She's pissed, whatever it is.

- Congratulations, Mr. Token Man.

- Oh God!

- Honey, I'm home.

- No, you have to leave.

- Stop eating my macadamia nuts!

- Give me a kiss.

- You can't stay here. Out!

- Why? You expecting company?

Not Officer Krupke, the saintly cop?

There's nothing going on.

And he's not a saint, -

- simply a decent human being.

Something you couldn't...

If you eat one more of those...

- Are you having an affair?

- No, we just hang out together.

You should have heard that b*tch

downstairs talking about it.

What's the real issue here? Us,

or what some idiot neighbour thinks?

It's been like a cold war.

If I try to talk about it, you...

- I just tried to make you happy.

- No, that's not all.

I used to come home,

and you'd hug me.

You'd kiss me and ask how my

day was. When did you do that last?

It's not important.

It's history.

- You go around with this girl!

- I'm not having an affair.

This thing between you and the cop

is none of my business.

But... there is one thing

that's very important. This:

Don't be afraid.

"The Eddie Biasi Players!"

You want money.

Of course you want money.

Just fifty grand in seed money.

Then we're off. Picture this...

Of course not. Not Mr. Saintly.

You're too good to have an affair.

I'm just so sick of it!

Your niceness and decency.

You're nothing. A working-class

stiff. Blue collar all the way.

I'm not gonna change, Muriel.

I know.

- So I want a divorce.

- You want a divorce?

As soon as possible.

I have wings, Charlie.

I want to fly.

Honey?

The bottom line is, I'm

sticking around until you kick in.

You stick around.

I'm out of here.

Where are you going, big shot?

The Plaza?

Yeah, the Plaza.

If you're here when I get back,

I'll call the cops.

And believe me, I am now

in a position to get them to come.

- Where you going?

- A hotel.

- You mean, you and her...

- We're history.

- Can't say I'm surprised.

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