It Happened on 5th Avenue Page #3

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- Good night. Jim.

[TRUD Y SINGING "YOU'RE EVERYWHERE".

PIANO PLAYING]

Okay. okay.

We'll make it 30 bucks.

You start tomorrow morning.

TRUD Y:
Jim.

- Hi.

He hired me. Thirty dollars a week

and I start in the morning.

Swell.

What are you doing here?

Oh. just looking around.

For this coat?

- Don't worry. I'll return it.

- Heh.

I'm not worried if you're not.

Jim.

Margie.

Jim Bullock.

- Margie. gee. it's swell to see you.

- Same here.

- What you doing here?

- Same as everybody else.

- Looking for a place to live.

- Heh.

Hi. fellow. What's your name?

- Jackie.

- Oh. this is Jackie.

How's tricks. Jackie?

- He's a dead ringer for his old man.

- He sure is.

Oh. Jim. this is Alice. Hank's wife.

Jim Bullock.

JIM:
How do you do?

- How do you do?

JIM:
Hank's wife. huh?

What do you know?

[BABY COOING]

A baby.

Say. he's cute. Hank's?

ALICE:

He helped.

- Where are you living?

- Right here.

- How do you like our penthouse on wheels?

- Swell.

JIM:
Where are Hank and Whitey?

- We got a line on an apartment.

They're upstairs.

working on the landlord.

Haven't seen those two monkeys

since we're in the guardhouse.

I'm going up and surprise them. Excuse me.

Say. where have you been?

Margie. this is Trudy.

Trudy. say hello to Margie.

You gals can talk over old times.

I'll be back in a minute.

- Well. boys. what do you say?

- Oh. yes. sir. we'll take it.

Wrap it up and put our initials on it.

Any deposit?

- Three months rent in advance.

- Three months?

JIM:

Attention.

HANK AND WHITEY:

Jim.

Why. you ugly pair of goldbricking K.P.'s.

[ALL LAUGH]

- You're looking great.

- You make a pretty good civilian yourself.

- Ha-ha. Hank. how are you?

- Swell. Jim.

- I got married since the last time I saw you.

- I know.

Met the family downstairs.

A swell-looking baby you rang up there.

And. Whitey. that kid of yours. Ha.

He's a dead ringer for the old man.

The hair. the eyes. the nose...

What's the matter?

Did I say something wrong?

You certainly did.

We don't allow dogs or children.

Oh. look. mister.

What harm is there in a couple of kids?

Why. one of them is only a baby.

They're very small.

They only take up that much space.

- Why. sure.

- One of the kids is sick.

Come on. mister. Give us a break.

I'm sorry. It's a rule of the house.

We don't take children.

But we need a place to live.

The kids need a place to live.

- What have you got against children?

- It's a rule.

Naturally. you can't break the rule.

If he lets yours in.

everybody start having children.

- Then what would happen?

- I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll drown them.

Would that make you happy?

- Were you ever a baby?

- No.

He's something left over

from meat rationing.

Rules are rules.

[WATER SPLASHING]

ALL:

Rules are rules.

[MUFFLED GRUNTING]

[BABY CRYING]

Come on. Mac. What gives?

Well. you're placing me

in a very embarrassing position.

Look. Mac. these people

have gotta have a place to live.

You're O'Connor's guest.

I'm O'Connor's guest.

Okay. we'll all be O'Connor's guests.

It's just until they find a place.

Mr. McKeever.

Please?

Oh. dear.

Not in my 20 years of living as a guest

in other people's homes...

...have I ever been faced

with a situation like this.

[BABY CRYING]

Still. we can't very well

turn children away.

Mm-mm.

Ooh.

[GIGGLES]

McKEEVER:

Cute. A boy?

ALICE:
Yes.

- Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Hello. Hello.

Hello there.

Hello there.

Ahhhh. Boo!

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Oh. he's smiling. He's cute.

[BABY HICCUPS]

Well. I guess we can manage somehow.

- Oh. gee. thanks.

- Thanks very much.

- Attaboy. Mac.

- Ha-ha.

Tell me. have you been married long?

- Seven years.

- Oh.

- Are you happy?

- Sure.

Whitey's a great guy.

Say. you're a little crazy about Jim.

aren't you?

Oh. he's nice.

but he doesn't know I'm alive.

[CHUCKLES]

He calls me Cookie.

What did Whitey call you?

- Sugar because I was hard to get.

- Heh.

Tell me. what made him propose?

Well. it happened at the movies.

Gregory Peck and this blond

were getting married.

So I said to Whitey. I said.

"Gee. I sure wish that was us. "

And Whitey said. "Uh-huh. "

And then I said.

"Ain't marriage wonderful?"

And Whitey said. "Uh-huh. "

And. then I said.

"Why don't we get married?"

And Whitey said. "Uh-huh. "

And. oh. after all. how can you say no

when a fellow coaxes you like that?

[BOTH LAUGH]

You know. while I was in the Army...

...I heard all about those

$ 100-. $ 150-a-week jobs.

What happened to them?

They're around. But you gotta have

what it takes to land them.

Yeah. That's what makes it tough.

I sure wish I had some experience

at something.

Some guys seem to get by

without experience. even without money.

How do you do it. McKeever?

Well. I believe that people

who require money should work for it.

As for myself.

I gave up working years ago.

I never could make enough

to satisfy my lavish tastes...

...so I let other people work for it.

and I enjoy it.

Yeah. but suppose

you had a wife and a kid.

Suppose you had to make dough.

My boy.

when you come right down to it...

...making money

is simply a matter of analysis.

I'd like to have a blueprint on that one.

McKEEVER:

All right.

Now. analyze the times.

Figure out what people want most.

then try to give it to them.

Now. use yourselves as an example.

What do you want most?

- A job.

- And a place to live.

Exactly.

You'll find plenty of vacancies

if you boys just use your heads.

[CHUCKLES]

That came out sounding a little different

from the way I meant it.

Mac. where are all these vacancies?

Army barracks.

- Are you kidding?

- Why. no. my boy.

Vacant Army barracks

in hundreds of deserted Army camps...

...from coast to coast.

Electricity. gas and water

in every one of them.

Say. you know he's got something there.

Mac. you're a genius.

They need guys like you

down in Washington.

No.

Things are balled up enough down there.

[LAUGHS]

Army barracks.

It's made to order.

I could redesign them.

A few plumbing changes. closet space.

a little landscaping-

Wait. where do we get

the dough to pay for all this?

Who's got the dice? We need

a couple million bucks in a hurry.

Hey. Jim. where do we get the dough?

- The dough?

- Mm-hm.

Well. we get the dough

the same place we get the labor.

Two or three hundred ex-GI's

just like us.

And we're all partners.

McKEEVER:

Gentlemen. gentlemen.

Your problem of capital is secondary.

Now. the first thing to be considered

is which camp you intend to reconvert first.

If the government will sell.

and if so. for how much. right?

MEN:

Right.

Now. do any of you boys

know Camp Kilson?

Oh. sure.

That's just outside of New York.

That's where I was induced

into the Army.

Induced.

You mean. inducted.

Oh. no. Me. they had to induce. Heh.

Oh. yeah. it's a swell idea...

...but how do we know the government

will sell the property?

My boy. go down to Washington

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