It Happened on 5th Avenue Page #5

Season #Winter

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I got here a moth convention.

A spray gun. I gotta buy.

insecticide. I gotta buy...

...all night long.

I am staying and spraying.

I'm not coming home.

My wife is getting mad.

She's leaving for Reno.

She's getting a divorce.

What am I getting?

Custody of the moths.

Alimony I am paying.

Payments I am missing.

To jail I'm going. My business I'm losing.

I'm a bum.

All because you are bringing in here

an all-wool suit.

Pay him quick

before he names me correspondent.

[SINGING AND WHISTLING "IT'S A

WONDERFUL. WONDERFUL FEELING"]

[SINGING. WHISTLING STOP]

Oh. look at that poor man on the bench.

- What's the matter with him?

- Can't you see? He's cold and hungry.

How can you see he's hungry?

Well. he must be.

Mr. McKeever. couldn't we invite him?

Trudy. please.

You know how crowded

the house is now.

And we can't take in every tramp

in New York.

Oh. there's lots of food

and lots of room.

- Hello.

- Hello.

What's your name?

Mike.

Hi. Mike. I'm Trudy.

And this is Jim.

- How are you?

- Hi.

I've seen your face someplace.

Could be. I've been following it

around for a long time.

This hooligan

been trying to make a touch. lady?

Oh. no. officer. he-

If it's a place to sleep you want.

try a flophouse.

If you're hungry. try the soup kitchens.

But no loafing in the park.

Go on.

- Beat it.

- Now. look.

But. officer. he's a friend of mine. ours.

In fact. he's a relative.

Don't worry. officer.

We'll take care of him.

Huh-

Oh. the poor man.

he's weak from hunger.

He doesn't look undernourished to me.

My good man. would you care

to come home and have a bite with us?

Of course he would.

TOUR GUIDE:

And there on your right...

...that big. brownstone mansion

that's all boarded up...

...that is the townhouse of the great

industrial wizard. Michael J. O'Connor...

...the second-richest man in the world.

Hmm.

Is this my home or a laundry?

Shh.

Heh. Well. Mike. you see.

we're all one big happy family here.

Now. make yourself at home.

I'll try.

Mighty nice lounging robe

you have there.

I'm glad you like it.

Say. you know. I believe

we're about the same size.

Maybe I'II let you wear it sometime.

Oh. I wouldn't deprive you.

Cigar smells pretty good too.

Well. I might let you

smoke one sometime.

Thank you.

Hey. you better go and scrub up a bit.

you're pretty dirty.

I'll go and rustle you up some food.

He tells me to scrub up. Aah!

TRUD Y:

Oh. Mike. are you all right?

Oh. what happened? Are you hurt?

Trudy. who is this woman?

And why has she erected a gallows

in the reception hall?

This is Margie. Mike.

I'm terribly sorry.

but we have to hang the wash in here.

Why?

Well. we can't very well

hang it outside. can we?

Trudy. I don't mean to be inquisitive...

...but how many people

are living in this house?

Maybe I should install a room clerk.

[HAMMERING]

Great Scott. what's that?

That's Jim.

He's building a barracks in the cellar.

A barrack-? Isn't this house big enough?

Does he have to build a barracks

in the cellar?

McKEEVER:
Come and get it. Mike.

- Come and get what?

- Shh. Food.

- Yeah. Oh.

Trudy. Trudy. take a look.

A complete model.

Each barrack. when partitioned off.

will house 12 families.

Two bedrooms. bath.

living room. kitchen for each.

Jim. that's wonderful.

Mike. Jim and Whitey

are going to buy Army barracks...

...and transform them into model houses.

- It's a wonderful idea.

- Great.

I suggest they build

a model poorhouse too...

...so they can all move in

when the idea fizzles.

Well. that's gratitude for you.

You feed a guy like that

and he gets sarcastic.

Yeah. what's he sore about?

Well. he'll be more sociable

when he eats. won't you?

Well. go ahead. Mike. Dig in.

[STAMMERING]

I better not. Something lighter. perhaps.

Hmm?

Maybe he'd like to have

some crpe suzettes.

Or some breast of hummingbird on toast.

AII I want is milk and crackers.

that is if you gentlemen don't mind.

- Milk and crackers?

- Ulcers.

Only the rich get ulcers.

Oh. what he means is

that he hasn't eaten for so long...

...his stomach won't hold solid food.

Mike. isn't that it?

Yes. that's what I should have said.

JIM:

Trudy. don't forget the baby's milk.

Oh. my goodness. I forgot.

Oh. it's way past his feeding time.

Mm-hm.

Great little mother. isn't she?

Hmm. Mother.

Mother?

Baby?

Oh. no. it can't be. She's been in school.

Baby.

[BABY CRYING]

[TRUD Y HUMMING]

Oh. my.

Trudy. I'd like to have a talk with you.

Does it have to be right now?

Right now. It's most important.

Now. first. I want to ask-

Hello.

Hello. sweetie. Yes.

Look at the little darling.

Isn't he an angel?

You know.

he's got dimples just like yours.

Ahem. Madam. would you mind

if I spoke with my-?

With Trudy alone. please.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Trudy.

I have just thought this all over.

What's done is done.

I consent to the marriage.

You're still my daughter

and I'll stand by your choice.

Oh. Dad. you will? Really?

Of course I will. darling.

[CHUCKLES]

But just tell me one thing.

Where did you meet this Jim?

How did all this happen?

I don't really know myself.

He was just another man

when I first met him.

I think it happened in the ice box.

[BABY WAILING]

In the ice box?

We were hiding from the gates patrol.

It was cold and his arm was around me.

Mr. McKeever was there too.

McKeever was there?

Oh. yes. the whole time.

Heh. He wanted to send me away

afterward. but I wouldn't go.

He's really very nice.

Yeah. he must be.

You'II like Jim too

when you get to know him better.

Eh- I'm sure I will.

Well. I guess there's no use

crying over spilled milk.

You say you love this fellow?

- Very much.

- Very well then.

If you're married. you're married.

Congratulations.

You have my blessing.

But. Dad. we're not married.

You're not married?

- No. He hasn't asked me yet.

- He ha-?

Jim's funny.

He takes his time about doing things.

He does. eh?

I don't even know

if he wants to marry me.

If he wa-

[BABY CRYING]

Hmm!

What kind of a man is he?

That chicken-hearted blackguard.

I'll kill him.

I'll kill him with my bare hands.

The rat in mouse's clothing.

ALICE:
Hello.

- Did you think we were never coming back?

ALICE:
How did you like playing nursemaid?

TRUD Y:
I enjoyed every minute of it. Ha-ha.

Hello. darling.

- Did you get lonesome for Mommy?

- Heh.

- Say. I hope he wasn't much bother.

- Not at all.

I only wish he were mine.

[BABY COOING]

Pardon me. Is that your baby?

- Well. my husband has a half interest.

- Uh-huh.

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