It Happened on 5th Avenue Page #7

Season #Winter

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since I last saw you. in the wrong places.

It's the clothes.

and you're no Van Johnson yourself.

I can remember

when you only had one chin.

- Indeed. Well. let me tell you-

- Shh.

Stop shushing me. I won't-

We're going to dispose of this nonsense

once and for all.

Imagine an 18-year-old girI

wanting to marry this-

You married me when I was 17.

And look what happened to us.

Nothing happened to us

that a little fidelity couldn't have cured.

Are you accusing me of infidelity?

I am.

You left me and married your money.

Nonsense.

And besides. I resent your being here.

Trudy belongs in school

and that's where she's going.

Shh. Not so loud.

You listen to me. Michael O'Connor.

Trudy is in love with a young man

and she wants to win him the hard way.

Not with your money.

Instead of admiring her for it.

you're fighting her...

...just as you've always battled anyone

who wouldn't bend to your will.

You just haven't the courage

to see this through.

Oh. I haven't?

That's what I said.

I can stick this out

just as long as you can.

Longer. do you hear? Longer.

- That I'll have to see.

- Hah.

I'll give you three days.

Three days over these pots and pans

with your manicured fingernails...

...and then you'll slink back

to Palm Beach...

- ... and your favorite beauty parlor.

- Ha.

O'CONNOR:
And another thing.

you might as well realize right now...

...that this house isn't big enough

for both of us.

MARY:

All right. When are you leaving?

Hey. what goes on in here?

TRUD Y:
Mike and Mary had a little argument

but it's all over now.

A new cook

and already a fight in the kitchen?

Now. you two should learn

to get along together.

[SNIFFING]

Stew.

Mary. if this tastes as good as it smells.

you're gonna be my new pinup girI.

Ha-ha. Thanks.

But Trudy's been helping me with it.

Oh. she has. huh? Well. keep her busy.

Mike. I want you to quit picking on Mary.

Good cooks are hard to find.

JIM:

Cookie. I've got some great news for you.

TRUD Y:

I'm all ears.

Whitey and Hank got a couple hundred

of the boys together.

They're all steamed up and raring to go.

Between us.

we've averaged about 500 apiece.

And I went to see

the Wheeler Construction Company today.

They went for the idea in a big way.

- They may even put up the money we need.

TRUD Y:
Tell me more.

JIM:

I'm seeing the head of the outfit on Friday.

Boy. if this idea works out.

I'll buy this joint from O'Connor.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello.

- Hello. Farrow. it's me.

Listen. do we still own an interest

in Wheeler Construction?

Good. Now. pay attention.

There's a young man coming in there Friday

named Jim Bullock.

He has some half-baked ideas about

model houses or barracks. or something.

I want them to disregard the idea

and offer him a job.

Yes. yes. I don't ca-

I don't care if it's teaching Eskimos

the Boogie Woogie...

...or milking whales in Patagonia.

only it must be out of the country.

Huh? Anywhere.

Make it Bolivia.

The farther away. the better.

There's only one stipulation.

He has to be a single man.

Single. you idiot.

That means unmarried.

Yeah.

I don't care. Make up any excuse.

Only offer him enough

so that he can't refuse.

Yeah. right. You got it?

Okay. Now. how about that property?

We've been topped again.

The price is now 185.000.

Offer them 190.000.

I don't care if we're bucking

Morgan and Chase. I want that property.

[CHUCKLES]

Well. if you need cash. transfer a couple

of million from the Chicago house.

- Right? Hmm?

- Oh. Mike.

I'm sorry to interrupt your negotiations.

I know you have millions and millions

of dollars hanging in the balance...

...but. Mike.

you didn't make your bed this morning.

[CHATTERING]

- Good. Good.

- Isn't this good?

Don't hold back.

There's plenty more in the kitchen.

ALICE:
Will you hand me the butter?

HANK:
Yeah.

May I have a bit more. please?

Ha. What about your milk and cracker diet?

My stomach's a lot better.

Ah. That proves what I've always believed.

Indigestion is caused by unhappiness.

If you don't like the things

the world makes you do...

...you're not hungry.

But if you smile and you're happy...

...you enjoy life

and you're hungry all the time.

I wonder if the O'Connors

were as happy in this house as we are?

Happy?

From what I hear. they're the most

snarled uppest people in the whole world.

- What's wrong with them?

McKEEVER:
Plenty.

Now. you take Michael O'Connor.

for example.

A poor boy who became

the second-richest man in the world.

Almost the richest. So I hear.

Yeah. and is he happy? I should say not.

They tell me...

...he's one of the worst-tempered men

in the country.

I hear O'Connor is so high-hat...

...he won't accept a glass of beer

unless it's got a winged collar on it.

[ALL LAUGH]

He must hate photographers. Nobody's

ever seen his picture in the papers.

Yeah. what does the guy look like?

An octopus.

Now. Jim.

let's have no personalities. please.

After all.

we are living in O'Connor's house.

And eating his food

and wearing his clothes.

Which reminds me.

he needs some new white shirts.

Now. as I was about to say...

...he's a sourpuss with a sour stomach...

...that's so engrossed

in his holding companies...

...that he couldn't hold his wife

and family together.

Maybe his wife walked out on him.

If she's smart. she ran.

[CHUCKLES]

McKEEVER:
From what I hear.

she's no bargain either.

[CHOKES. CLEARS THRO AT]

They say she's really snarled up...

...lives in a big house down at Palm Beach

and spends most of her time...

...trying not to admit

she's a middle-aged woman.

Suppose we talk about something else.

Hmm?

You're right. Mary.

It's a waste of breath.

Mike. you had enough?

I've had plenty.

Oh. Mike. your dishes.

Now.

please be a little more careful of them.

I found a couple of them chipped

last night.

You see what I mean. Mike?

These shelves were jam-packed

when all you people came to live with me.

When I lived here alone.

what I ate was never missed...

...but 11 of us.

well. that would make a dent in any larder.

Mike. it looks as though you and I

will have to go to work.

Me? Work?

Oh. no. Ha-ha.

Why. Trudy's working.

Jim and the other boys

chip in money for food.

Mary does the cooking. and I...

Well. I sort of supervise.

I'll tell you. Mike.

honest labor never hurt any man.

At least. it never did me.

That I can understand.

and it's not going to hurt me either.

Now. get this...

...neither you nor any man is going

to make me do manual labor...

...and that's final.

- Oh. well. Mike.

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