It Happened to Jane Page #6

- No, not exactly.

- I will not accept charity.

- It'll make a great story.

- I'm sorry, I will not...

I'm going to New York

and have it out with Harry Foster Malone.

No offense, Denham,

but Malone would eat you alive.

Look, I know who is going to New York.

All those offers

to appear on television programs.

You'll carry your case to the people

and get paid for it.

- She is not going to New York.

- Will you wait a minute?

Maybe Malone has the power,

but you've got...

What do you think...

She's not gonna go to...

George!

I'll do it. I'm gonna go to New York.

I'm gonna take you to New York.

I don't know who's taking me,

but I'm gonna... Wait a minute.

- I do the TV shows, I get paid?

- Right.

And I give it to Malone?

What about the kids?

Well, I'll only be there a day or two, George.

Well, they love you. They're used to you.

Don't worry. She'll be in good hands.

I'll get her a room in my hotel.

You'd better get packed.

We can still catch that night flight.

All right.

- I'll call New York and set things up.

- I'll hurry.

There's a YWCA in New York.

She's quite a gal.

She's a widow with two children.

- They're wonderful kids.

- Listen, old boy.

Now wait a minute, you listen, Denham.

I'm getting a bit weary

of your warnings and insinuations.

Have you got some claim on her?

- A claim? Me? No.

- All right. Every man for himself.

George, would you bring my suitcase?

It's in the garage over the mulcher.

I'm coming!

Of course, that's when he started

charging rent for the tracks.

All right, Jim.

While I applaud your independence

and admire your combative spirit...

I'm afraid I fail to see where defendant

herein has transgressed the legal bounds...

which are the constitutional right

of all citizens.

Harry Foster Malone transgressed

when he murdered my lobsters.

Murdered her lobsters.

I know where he can get a job.

Well, Jim, what's your question?

Actually this, sir. Mrs. Osgood, are you not

invoking sympathy for your cause...

on purely emotional and feminine grounds?

Bright boy.

- What has that got to do with the facts?

- Precisely.

Let's hear from Lois.

The preceding panelist was obviously

obfuscating the issues involved here.

A not-uncommon masculine gambit

in 20th-century America.

Stupid little broad.

Mrs. Osgood, how can I help?

Left hand? Are you telling me

there are southpaw lobsters?

Oh, yes. Certainly there are.

You see, all lobsters, as you know,

have two large front claws.

Now, one is very heavy

and has blunt teeth...

that's the powerhouse claw, and the other

is smaller and has sharp teeth...

Naturally, I'm nervous, George.

You don't know what it's like to be on TV.

If it hadn't been for Larry,

I don't know what I would have done.

Where is good old Larry?

Well, the poor boy

is just about ready to collapse.

You don't know what he's been through.

Now they want me to do The Big Payoff.

Well, you're a most

persuasive young woman.

Walt Framer has agreed to break precedent

just this once...

which means the cash value of the prizes

that your knight in shining armor...

has won for you, will be sent

to Harry Foster Malone as rent...

immediately following the program.

Now then, panel...

I am not gonna ask this lady

to reveal her correct name to us...

because if we knew her name,

we'd know her secret.

So we will simply call her Miss X.

Now, Miss X, if you'll whisper your secret

to me, we'll reveal it to the folks at home.

I must say ordinarily we would not accept

such a secret on our show...

but I've been talking

a lot to this lady backstage...

and I tell you, by golly, I think she's right.

I want that man

barred from my railroad for life.

Now, we'll start the questioning

with Bill Cullen, please.

Ma'am, this male that you're involved with,

is he human?

He certainly is not.

Is it something like a snake

or a baboon or something like that?

I tell you, we've got trouble.

This, newspapers. You can't...

Get this. I'm 52 years old, and I was born

on the Lower East Side in a cold-water flat.

I wasn't lucky enough

to get to college or law school.

I'm a slob that came up the hard way.

But let me give you a chunk of information.

Anybody who gives trouble

to Harry Foster Malone gets trouble.

Got that?

- Have it your way, Harry.

- Yeah, I will.

Now, every time we stop at Cape Anne,

it costs us money. Right?

Yeah. Watch this bit. Look out.

All right, let's go to Henry Morgan, please.

It isn't me, is it?

Yes, Harry?

Miss Beardsley, get me Garry Moore on CBS.

Yeah, right now. Be sure to tell him it's me.

Oh, thank you.

Excuse me, panel, just a moment.

Hello, this is Garry Moore.

Yeah.

Hey, that's great. Yeah, I'll tell everybody.

Garry, I know who it's gotta be.

You can take your blindfold off.

I've just this moment talked to Mr. Malone...

president of the E&P Railroad.

He is canceling her rent

and he is giving her the train.

Akela, the train is ours.

We got a train, Akela.

Isn't it wonderful?

- We get to keep it.

- All right!

Your call, madam.

- You mean I can take it here?

- Pick it up, Jane.

Thank you.

Hello, George. Hi.

How are the children? Oh, that's good.

We're in the most beautiful

restaurant you've ever seen.

It's the... Wait a minute. What is it?

- Le Chevalier Mauve.

- Whatever that means.

- Purple Knight.

- The Purple Knight. We're celebrating.

George, I'm drinking champagne.

- And spending another night in New York.

- And spending another night in New York.

You're spending another night in New York?

She's spending another night in New York.

I think you'd better come home, dear.

Say hi to Mommy.

- Hi, Mommy.

- That's it. Say hi to your mommy.

Those are your children, dear,

and they are getting hungry.

- George.

- I'll call you later.

But, Akela, we're not hungry.

- Your mother's acting like a...

- Your mother's acting like a what?

Nothing, dear. Just pour the tea.

I'm warning you, stupid.

Matilda, I'm asking you.

Please ring the hotel just once more.

I gotta talk to the room clerk.

Matilda.

Sam!

Good night, Larry.

Good night, folks.

He's just seeing me to the door.

Boy, am I tired.

Thank you very much, Larry. Good night.

Don't worry.

Wild horses couldn't drag me

through that door tonight.

Ordinarily they couldn't have kept me out.

Janey, I'm 33 years old.

I took up with girls about the time

I smoked my first cubeb.

I've liked girls ever since.

Lots and lots of girls.

Some of them I wanted to love...

but it never happened.

Now it's happened. I love you.

- Larry, no.

- Larry, yes.

I love you, Janey Osgood,

and I want to marry you.

My full name is Lawrence Claiborne Hall,

and I've told you how old I am.

I am gainfully employed.

I've got $1,166 in the bank.

I come from sturdy stock,

and I'm all alone in the world.

I'll try to be a good father to your children

and a good husband to you.

- So will you marry me?

- Larry, I can't.

Why not?

I don't know you.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes