Jack and Jill Page #6

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- No!

He could have used one

of these Sham-Wow things

his pee puddles.

Oh, there's Mr. Yellow Sheets!

Where you

going, Puddles?

All right,

nice to meet you all.

Am I crazy or is she hot?

You're crazy.

It's Jack with b*obs.

Jack with b*obs. That's right.

There he is!

Dude, did you set

this whole thing up'?

Yeah, we got through it, man.

It came out pretty dope,

I think.

It's amazing. Hey, Jill.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

Come here for a sec.

Okay, nice to see you.

What's going on?

Did I ever tell you

Todd is an atheist?

A what?

Oh, God.

Have a great time, guys.

No. How could

there be a Grand Canyon

if God didn't exist?

Right.

That's a very good point.

I'm just saying,

you know, maybe...

Maybe God wouldn't have given you a

rat face if you believed in him.

I don't have a rat face.

Yes, you do have a rat face!

It's scary.

Whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, wait a minute.

This guy doesn't

believe in God?

No!

No, no, I'm just saying

that there's not real proof.

Idiots like you

really make me mad!

Fight! Fight! Fight him!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Because I'm about

to US Open your skull!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Happy birthday to you

Happy birth...

Happy birthday, dear Jack...

And Jill

Happy birthday to you

Come on, make a wish,

you twins.

Okay, let's do it.

Where's the other cake?

There's not enough candles for both of us.

All right, Jill.

One cake's enough.

Make the wish.

Mom and Dad always

got us two cakes.

Made us both feel special.

I don't think Mom and Dad

would like this.

Make the wish already!

I'm hungry!

Will you stop already?

Blow out the candles.

Whoa!

Funny meeting you here.

Don't be startled.

It's only me.

It's always the same thing.

It's L.A.

I never know where I am.

It's a wilderness here.

I mean, in the Bronx,

you got the streets,

you got the numbers.

You got 187th, 188th.

Yeah, right, in order.

It follows in sequence.

Here, you got the palm trees,

and they all look alike.

I have no idea where we are.

You really don't? I don't.

Lucky... Lucky for us,

I got the panic button.

You have a panic button?

Yeah, and we'll soon find

out where we are, huh?

There we go. That's a house.

That's not a bakery.

Whether we go

in a bakery, a house,

what difference does it make?

It makes a difference!

What do you mean?

There's a bakery in the house.

Get out of town! Come on.

I'm not going to your house.

I want to see

a birthday cake soon

or I'm taking pepper spray out.

I'm not kidding.

O ye of little faith.

What is that, a Shakespeare'?

No, that was Jesus.

Okay, birthday girl.

Oh, my God. Here it is.

You name it,

Xavier, my guy, will bake it.

Oh, my God!

Look, I made her happy.

I love this!

made you happy...

To dream

the impossible dream

Nutcracker.

No. That? That's, uh,

Man of La Mancha.

They offered me the part of

Don Quixote on Broadway.

Ooh. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah.

But, you know, I'm just,

uh, I'm not there yet,

so I'm mulling it over,

you know?

I love that. That's where the, uh,

man's in the tower ringing the bell'?

That's Quasimodo.

That's Hunchback of Notre-Dame.

See, this is Don Quixote.

Don Quixote meets

this, uh, fallen woman

who he thinks is his

lost love Dulcinea.

Right.

And he can't

straighten his back,

so he keeps ringing the bell.

And he has a sidekick.

It was a mouse.

Okay, moving on.

Listen, Bronx, I got a

birthday surprise for you.

Another one? Yeah.

It's my

original stickball stick.

Oh. Come with me a second.

Let me just eat some cake.

This is so good.

Leave it.

You've been eating enough.

We really have to stop now?

Xavier!

Oui, monsieur?

Ha!

He's going to throw the ball,

and you are going to take this

stick with two hands, right?

And you're going to hit it.

Do I have to play

this weird game?

It's not weird.

Jill, it's in you.

It's in your DNA.

Just think Bronx.

Let it just float.

Okay, okay, okay...

Can you do me a favor

and not hold me like this?

All right. I'm just

trying to show you.

Okay, all you got to do is

make contact, that's all.

I feel like this is your game

and it's not my game.

If you want to play my game,

Hungry Hungry Hippos, Sabaday.

Do you have that here?

That's coming.

Goobledy gibble globbity!

What language are you speaking?

Just throw it.

Oui, oui. Okay.

Come on, no batter here, pitcher!

No batter!

I just don't know

why we're doing this.

Oh! Whoa!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I am so sorry!

I'm sure you have

others, though.

Uh, you'd think it, but,

uh, oddly enough, I don't.

But I have you.

You don't have me. I...

I'd rather have you.

I'm sorry. I'm going to go.

I just... I had fun,

but I'm so tired.

It's 8:
30 in the morning,

my time.

Do you know what time

it is for me?

It is time for my salvation.

Because finally,

I found the one woman,

with all her rough-hewn charm,

who will lead me back...

to sanity.

You're sick.

You're a sweetie.

I saw what you were doing

with the stick

and it was gross.

Thank you, Sabaday.

Wait a minute, where do

you think you're going?

I'm not your wham-bam-eggs-

and-ham type.

But you don't have a car.

Why are you ignoring me?

What happened to me?

What's this?

Help me!

Where were you?

What do you mean?

I was here, bird.

Felipe.

Miss Jill?

What you doing out here'?

I stayed out here because I

didn't want to go in the house.

And Erin tried to make me

come back in and I wouldn't.

He yelled at me

'cause I rejected Al Pacino.

Well, if you need something to

do, I'm just fixing the timer

and heading off to

a big family picnic.

We play soccer, eat,

steal white people's wallets...

What did you say?

I'm kidding! I'm kidding!

We don't eat.

Oh, stop it.

Why won't you help me?

What are you doing?

Put Poopsie down!

It flew in my bread.

Hey, Rosa!

This is my friend, Jill.

Hi. That's my father,

my mama, my brother Juan,

my other brother Juan,

Juan Jr.,

my sister Juanita,

my grandma Juangelina,

and that... I'm kidding!

I was going to say,

that's a lot of Juans!

We're not

all named Juan.

Hey, nios!

Look, these are my kids.

Jos, Jos Jr. Y Josefina

They are beautiful.

Hi. Hi.

They all look like

my wife, thank God.

Your wife'? I need to meet her.

Where is she?

Well, she passed away

four years ago.

I'm so sorry.

I lost my mother recently.

No, that's all right.

I love talking about my wife.

And I know she's up there

sneaking into Heaven right now.

It's a joke! It's a joke!

Your father's bad.

He's bad! He's very bad!

Ready for the best

Mexican food you ever had'?

I never had Mexican food.

What?

I'm sorry. It's not my fault.

Uh, they don't

serve it at my deli.

Well, today is your lucky day.

Okay...

Taste. Cool.

WOW!

That's chile relleno.

It looks like a knish.

Never had Mexican food.

It's very, very good.

I'm kidding. Are you okay'?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Heads up.

What is this thing?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

It's too hot.

Just like you.

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