Jack And Jill vs. The World Page #3

It's a Tiger recovery at the 15.

Second and 3.

Hi.

Hey.

1:
19 left to go in the first.

Tigers down by 7.

This is a big play.

Have you ever climbed a tree?

No.

I want to climb a tree.

Okay.

Want to come?

Not really, no.

Why not? It'll be fun.

Fun is overrated.

Isn't this great?

No, not great.

Super great.

Now...

What is this, the tree of trust

or just some shitty tree in Tribeca?

What are we calling this?

Checking to see if you still like me.

If I tell you what I want,

will you tell me what you want?

I want you to leave a message

when you're not coming home.

When you go back

to your island or whatever,

I want to know.

Deal.

Now me.

I don't want you to worry about me.

Uh...

I want to have fun.

Fun? Like climbing trees fun?

Exactly. I want it to be fearless.

I want to... start something,

mix it up.

Start a revolution!

Whoo!

What kind of revolution

are we talking about here?

I don't know.

We need a manifesto,

some rules to live by,

something to keep us on our toes.

What are you doing?

It's called holding hands.

It's something people do

to show affection.

Yeah, well, holding hands is...

Overrated.

But you're doing it anyway.

Hello.

- Be honest.

- Jill?

Did you hear me?

I said be honest.

What are you talking about?

The manifesto.

Be honest.

It should be rule number 1.

Write it down.

Okay.

Uh...

"Rule 1:
Be honest."

Done.

Good.

Bye.

Uh...

She's hanging up on me.

I'm gonna start hanging up

on people.

# Yeah, you do it 'cause he understands,

understands #

# Do it for the trouble #

# Yeah, you do it 'cause it's dark outside #

Why are you so mean to this thing?

Time is a construct, Jill.

Some Roman dude took it upon himself

to measure shadows,

and then the rest of the world

is bound by these little ticks.

But is it accurate? Hmm?

When you're having fun, time flies, right?

But when you're stuck in traffic,

it stands still.

So is it infinite or completely limited?

It's both. But that piece of junk

just sits there and ticks.

Tick, tick, tick, tick.

It's like a... Chinese water torture.

Well, I wish it would just stand still.

It can't. Time is the enemy.

We age, we wrinkle, we die.

Anyone who tells you different

is living in a fairy tale.

Then let's live in a fairy tale.

I have to work.

Okay. Rule 2:
Believe in fairy tales.

Whoa! Did you just kiss me?

You just kissed me.

- No, I didn't.

- Well, then what was that?

That was a... peck.

You're weird.

# Yeah, you do it

'cause it's dark outside #

# Yeah, you do it

'cause you haven't tried #

You seem happy.

- Happier... something.

- Do I?

Maybe it's Jill.

She's fun.

Young and fun.

And she doesn't want babies.

George...

let's do some pro bono.

Like Bono and The Edge bono?

This isn't painfully dull to you?

Let's take something on.

Coffee.

Fair trade coffee.

Let's do something for those guys.

I don't have time just to dream up

fantasy campaigns for fair trade coffee.

Why not, George?

Because, Jack, I'm not

Mr. Bachelor. I work hard.

And when I'm not working hard,

I'm spending time with my wife.

Don't scoff at me.

You're not better than me.

I'm not saying I'm better than you.

Sweeties, it's showtime.

I wasn't saying I'm better.

Yes, you were.

- No, I wasn't.

- Yes, you were.

Would you stop, please?

Doop used to be the hippest

hair jell out there.

I was using this product when I was

younger than both of you boys.

We've got to make Doop cool again.

We can do cool.

These guys are really cool.

Why don't you tell

Mr. Carlin what you have in mind?

Well, let's begin by acknowledging

that Doop is already cool.

We say let's keep the aesthetic.

It has integrity, history,

street credibility.

Let's look at some of the print

that used to move it off the shelves.

I don't know. It has to be hip.

What George is saying

is that Doop is already hip,

and the campaign

will simply reinforce that fact.

Other products may

come and go, sir,

but Doop... Doop... Doop

has always been there.

Bring back the old ads, huh?

Why would I pay you for that?

The man's got a point.

Not the old ads exactly, sir.

We would, uh, feather the campaign.

We need a new, fresh campaign.

I want youngsters in clubs and malls

and on street corners

talking about Doop,

talking about how it

holds your hair just so.

I want blogs and podcasts and viral.

I wanna go viral.

Well, why don't Jack and George

draw up some proposals

and give you some options?

I want options!

Okay, just a couple more questions.

How long have you guys

been together?

Is that a question from your list?

Sir, it's up to me

to determine whether

this bunny is going

to a safe and supportive family.

You would be surprised

how many people

make stews out of these guys.

Oh, I wouldn't dream of it.

We have grandchildren.

- 15.

- 16.

Oh, 16. That's right.

Wow. You're so lucky.

You guys have been

together a long time, huh?

You're old.

You're old people.

That's neat.

Sweetie, is there something wrong?

Can I ask you a question?

What's your secret?

Well...

we've both learned

to hold our tongue over the years.

And...

the nookie's

always been good, hasn't it, dear?

How's it coming?

Anything good?

"Doop and do it.

A little Doop will do ya."

See, that's good.

Right? It's classic.

"Dive into the Doop."

That's not bad.

Oh, this is good.

"Doop it and poop it.

Big Doop, bigger poop."

Oh, and this one.

"Doopy Doopy do.

Who f***ing cares?"

Great.

It's coming along nicely.

Here. Read this.

Okay.

"We hold these truths to be self-evident,

"that all men are created equal

"and that they are endowed

by their Creator

"with certain inalienable rights

that among these..."

"...are life, liberty,

and the pursuit of happiness."

Right.

So?

So it doesn't make sense.

You can't pursue happiness.

I mean, if it read you have the right

to pursue your dreams,

and God willing,

that makes you happy,

that I could buy.

Semantics.

No, no. No, no, no.

It's philosophy.

Happiness is intangible, an emotion.

You can't pursue it.

Okay, so you're saying

that one of our core values is flawed?

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Okay, so rule 6 would be...

Abandon the pursuit of happiness

and its false promise.

Okay, read 'em back to me.

"Rule 1:

Be honest."

Good.

"2:
Believe in fairy tales."

"Rule 3:
Accept time as your friend

and not our enemy."

Okay.

"Rule 4:
Make sure the nookie's good."

"Rule 5:
Promote beauty.

"Wage a sustained campaign

against ugliness.

"And rule 6:

Abandon the pursuit of happiness..."

Are you all right?

"...of happiness and its false promise."

I am a robot

Among the millions of robots

I eat my sugar and watch my TV

Lots and lots

Without caffeine, I can get pretty mean

Talk shows, new clothes

are my vitamins

Don't bother.

Advertisements lead me to

The promised land

Come on

Whoo!

- No, no.

- Dance with me.

Jill, there's people here.

And we can get there again

If we feel our feelings

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