Jackass 3.5 Page #6

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Dude, that...

Apparently, catnip

is an aphrodisiac, too,

because he was really loving

on that mousy.

We were just hoping that mousy

didn't grow in size and stature.

And Pontius was making

all kinds of crazy faces

to keep that from happening.

He's a powerful little bastard.

And it's really awkward.

The cat even, I think, felt awkward.

What's your definition of uncomfortable,

stud?

Oh, God!

Hi, Priya.

Man, you're jumpy.

So, Priya Swaminathan,

who is head of development

for our production company,

is super jumpy.

She gets scared so easy.

So, we've rigged a triple train horn

in her office.

She's gonna flip out.

She's gonna... All I've gotta do

is hit this little button,

which they won't let me hold yet.

'Cause I'll f*** it up.

Oh, my God!

I'm f***ing quitting!

What happened?

F***.

Oh, my God!

-Horrible.

-Oh, my God.

You guys are lucky

that I didn't pee my pants.

I try to not let that happen.

That's so f***ing loud.

Oh, my God. That scared me.

Knoxville always just pranks everybody

and always gets away with it

'cause it's very difficult to get him.

But we got him.

We were showing

a cast and crew screening,

and then they're like,

"Hey, come down to the front

"and say something to everyone."

I was actually getting choked up

talking to everybody,

and then Kimmel runs down there

and says, "Shut up."

Enjoy.

Knoxville has prescription lotion,

and that's all he uses.

And I got it.

But I got something else.

Horse cum.

From a horse, idiot.

Dude, did you get it directly

from the horse?

I don't know.

Pour some of that out.

Yeah, pour some out.

It reeks. That's f***ing...

All right, that's good, that's good.

That is f***ing disgusting, dude.

-Did you pour some out?

-Yeah.

-Squeeze it.

-Squeeze the ball. Squeeze it first,

-and then stick it in.

-I don't know.

-You're making a cum bubble.

-Look at the cum.

-I don't know. I'm stupid.

-Dude, cum bubble?

Dude.

What are you doing?

What are you doing with your life?

Dude, I'm gonna throw up.

-Here, switch.

-Here, come on. Just...

Come on. Put the f***ing thing

in the f***ing thing.

-I'll do that part.

-Just pour it in.

Yeah, just pour it in.

Just pour it in. Make it a little...

Let me see this.

Look at it. It's sticky.

Gross.

Look at it.

It's stringy.

Watch.

Put it back in his car.

Yeah, I'm gonna put it back

in his car now.

That's why it's so stringy!

It's been that way for months.

Dude.

I'm sweating.

They got me.

I was rubbing horse cum on my face

for weeks.

And I knew one day, the consistency

of my sunscreen had changed.

It got super stringy.

Super stringy! And I thought

it had just got so hot in the car.

But no, it wasn't because of the heat.

It was horse cum.

Before we started filming, I had a dream

where we were on the set,

and we were drawing a dart board

on my face with markers.

And then I woke up from the dream,

and I was like,

"We've gotta throw darts at my face."

Knoxville and Tremaine

said that they liked the idea

only if somebody shot darts

from their a**hole through a blowgun.

I'm Steve-O, and this is Fart Darts.

That's good.

That was in there.

-It's bleeding.

-It's bleeding.

God! You are awesome.

-Look how deep that went in.

-Show the camera.

-Look how f***ing deep that went.

-Look at... F***ing... Look!

Good job, Will.

Knoxville's incredible nut shots,

that occupied some time.

I figure, what, we filmed eight months?

Two of them were incredible nut shots.

How many basketballs

did we go through for this?

Probably about 200.

Because first you wanted

the women's basketball

'cause you thought

that was the perfect one.

Well, for different shots,

it's different.

If you gotta throw it a great distance,

shoOting with the women's basketball,

-you can throw farther.

-You got it down to a science.

But it's true. When we first started

doing it, we would just get

a bunch of different basketballs,

and throw them.

But I realized that you need all the...

Whatever thing you do,

you need all the basketballs

the same size and the same pressure

because it's hard enough hitting

someone from a great distance

Or bouncing it. So, we trjed to remove

all the varjables.

And it would take anywhere

from an hour to 13

to just get one shot.

Yes!

Yeah!

Yeah!

F*** that f***ing sh*t.

F*** that.

If you're gonna be dumb,

you gotta be tough.

Yeah, I do.

Let go.

F***!

Oh, my goodness!

Who put that there?

It's Spanish Street Bike Tommy.

Street Bike Tommy and Steve-O

had a baby.

Steve-O and Street Bike Tommy

had this baby right here.

He's cute.

I got sh*t all over my balls.

My balls are sitting in

a little bowl of poo water.

Oh, God. I'm embarrassed.

All right, this is piss from

a female donkey in heat.

Why did you drink that?

Because I'm horny.

God!

I don't think

you're getting the donkey hot, Steve-O.

Dude, I don't even know

what to complain about anymore.

My hand, my f***ing chipped shoulder,

my broken ribs, my hurt-ass knee,

which hurts like hell,

and now a twisted f***ing ankle.

I don't know

what to complain about anymore.

That sucked.

Wait, you know what I forgot to do?

When we got into London,

we actually, from the airport,

we passed a town called Bicester.

Get your tongue out of my mouth!

It's so rough. It's like a cat's tongue.

We'll have justice on three, two, one!

Oh, my God!

Oh, God. Do not throw hard.

-That hurt!

-Let's see that run back.

That's what I was talking about.

Clear!

You're a f***ing a**hole.

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