Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa .5 Page #5

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so we have better reception.

You get to be far away.

Not only do

we have to hide our cameras,

but we have to hide our mics.

So, Seamus would wrap

his little mics in, you know,

trash or, like, a coffee cup

and just place it where

the action would be.

And we'd constantly have to stop people

from, like, picking up our equipment.

Well, this is where

my wife wanted to be buried.

- Married?

- Buried!

He's trying, he said,

to pick up chicks.

Kept Seamus busy for a while.

I'm a recent widower,

if you weren't married I think

we'd have a pretty good shot.

We had all the cameras

fed to one place,

and that was the control van,

where we had the director, myself,

Trip, just watching everything.

We could see exactly what's

going on from every camera

and make adjustments

as we went along.

So, this is how I talk to Irving.

That's how I talk to Billy.

And I get confused all the time

and I tell them the wrong things.

Where'd Billy go?

He went back to the van.

You wanna go back

around there and reset?

Bullshit.

Yes, but I wasn't talking to you,

I was, like, acting like

I was looking for Billy.

I'm sorry.

As Irving was, kept striking

out through the movie,

we thought it would be funny

to hire these love guru guys,

these pickup artists, you know,

that you can hire these guys

that will give you game, you know.

We thought these guys

have to be great characters.

What do you, what

do you do exactly?

First of all, I like

to work with people.

I'd like to get you to a point

where you feel

comfortable talking to women again.

And then I also work on things

like your fashion.

My fashion? Like

what kind of stuff?

Well, you know, you might

wanna soften it up a bit.

Right now, you look good,

but you're a little outdated.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, a little bit.

- Yeah?

- A little bit.

We wanted this guy

to just be this misogynistic,

womanizing prick, basically,

but what we got was

this very sweet, genuine guy.

Like, you must have kicked

Wilt Chamberlain in the ass

sleeping, like, with the

number of women you...

I, you know, I can't say.

I don't know, I never counted.

You're not... No, no, no, yeah.

I always thought

it was disrespectful to count.

I've only counted how

many at one time.

Oh, sh*t.

Let me hear, let me hear.

- You really want to know?

- Yeah.

Seven.

Oh, my God, seven, seven

at once. Seven at once.

He slept with seven women at once.

That's what he just said. He

slept with seven women at once.

- That's not true. It's not.

- That is true.

- Would you stop? Stop.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Okay, I'm sorry.

I don't know if I can do this.

Hey, Bridget. This is Cedric.

- Hi, Bridget, my name's Irving.

- I don't think you should...

- Irving. Hi.

- You're very beautiful.

This is my friend Cedric. He

banged seven women in one night.

- Tonight?

- No, not, not, not tonight.

That's attractive.

But this man has set a record.

I'm going home.

All right, cheers. Cheers,

cheers, cheers, cheers, cheers.

Cheers, fellas!

All right. Here's to seven

women in one night!

Go, Cedric!

If Irving starts drinking,

he gets excited.

I need another shot of tequila!

- No, you don't. No, you don't!

- Yes, I do.

But it's good when Irving

drinks, because sometimes,

you know, I get a

little more loose.

- Cedric.

- Yes, sir.

I will throw myself on the

grenade, which one's the grenade?

Oh, my God.

I will take one for the team,

just show me.

But sometimes when I drink,

it's not so good.

All right, Cedric, let's cut the

sh*t, I'm hitting a massage parlor.

She's a masseuse.

- You're a masseuse?

- My God.

Are you? Are you?

Oh, you rike a massage?

- No happy endings.

- Fwip over.

No happy endings.

What? Come on. Come on.

You're a masseuse?

Thank you, Jesus.

And the longer the bit takes,

the drunker your star's gonna be.

And that's just the truth.

I'm drunk as f***.

- Thank you, Cedric. You're a good man.

- You're welcome, my man.

- What a sweet man.

- Are you leaving me?

Seven women in one night!

Seven women!

My hero, Cedric!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, listen up,

listen up, listen up, listen up.

First, that old gentleman

you just saw in here

was Mr. Johnny Knoxville,

and we are shooting a movie.

We shoot this whole strip club thing

and the stripper guys were so cool,

they were so funny,

and just had great spirit.

I was hoping one of you guys was

gonna knock me out tonight,

but you caught on too fast.

You guys thought you had him.

He's the boxer, he's the boxer.

He was about to...

I am 0-83 lifetime in fights, so

I'd have been 0-84 after tonight.

So, after we pranked the strippers,

we thought it'd be funny

if they chased Irving through

the streets, you know,

in their various states of undress,

trying to freak people out.

Hey, hey, stop. What the f***?

Help! Oh, my God. Help!

Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Hey!

Jesus, oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Wail!

Help, wait! Wait!

Oh, my God. Help. Help! Help!

What was that?

I'm sorry.

Baptists.

What's your name again?

I'm your husband, Irving Zisman.

- You're my wife, Ellie Zisman.

- I love you.

Spike knew Catherine Keener

from way back

and he just basically

pulled favors.

Keener's amazing at improvisation.

She's obviously an amazing actor,

and so we kind of

wrangled her into it.

Like, I don't think

she's ever shot with...

The way we shoot is just chaos.

There's no, like...

She's used to, like, "Okay,

what's this scene about?

"What's the direction, director?"

Well, I did want to talk to you about

my character before we started,

- but I lost you.

- Okay.

I mean, all I knew is that

I was ultimately

gonna be the corpse.

I had no idea where the

cameras were, I had nothing.

You mean, you really

walk into it completely

without any perspective on

what's real and what isn't,

when you're doing it.

We had the idea that

when Ellie, after Ellie died,

the movie would end on

her body being thrown off a bridge.

Well, we'd need to motivate that,

we need to show where did

that idea even come from,

or it just looks like you're

ditching a corpse at the end.

So, we figured we'd shoot a

prank with a funeral planner,

where the idea of throwing Ellie's

body off a bridge first popped up.

I'd really think

you should consider burial

instead of cremation.

I'm not interested in this.

- Well, we have to make plans, honey.

- I'm not interested in this.

I don't want anything.

I don't want to be buried,

I don't want to be cremated.

I don't want to make a plan.

I want him to take me, I want

him to throw me off a bridge.

Do whatever you want.

Of course, you cannot be

thrown out, off a bridge.

- No.

- That's what I want.

But, Ellie, even if you

go over the bridge,

something needs to happen

to your body, right?

Look, I have these

beautiful crypts.

He blames me for his unhappiness.

- Well...

- He blames me.

- Well, we haven't...

- He blames me.

- We haven't had sex in 12 years, so...

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