Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa .5 Page #6

Year:
2014
172 Views


- That's not a lot.

I can see that you've been

married for a long time.

What is that? Stop it. God.

I'm sorry.

That's not funny.

- It's not funny.

- Please kill me.

You know why

he can't wait for me to die?

Because he wants to have sex

with people like you.

I'm not kidding you. I am not

kidding, that's the truth.

If I die, please don't

take his calls.

You're not gonna take my calls.

Take my calls.

You want some gefilte fish?

No, I don't even think

I know what that is.

It's so good.

So, I just want you to know that

we have wonderful payment plans,

- if you want one or two.

- Is this another price list?

No, actually, each burial is...

I'm sorry you had to see that.

- You okay?

- What is it?

What are you...

It's good, honey.

Honey, that's cat food.

Look at that, look at it.

With chicken and gravy.

Here, have some water.

If you go...

If, after she does...

If she does pass on before me, is it

cool if I do call you afterwards?

Yeah, of course you can call me.

I'm gonna give you my card.

Sweet.

Almost every scene we shot,

we shot multiple times,

with multiple different people.

You know it's gonna take a half hour

each time, or an hour each time,

and you just stack the day up,

'cause you'd never know

what you're gonna get.

A funny thing happened

with the last lady we saw.

She came in

and she was the teacher,

we were the pupils,

and she just took control

of the situation.

Maybe they would give me half off

since she already embalmed

me from the waist down.

Irving, here's what I

want to say to you

and I'm gonna say it as a

person, not as a professional.

Yes, ma'am.

If you refer any more

to your sexual depravation,

then I'm gonna have to leave,

because that's not why I'm here.

- Okay, I understand, I just am upset.

- Thank you. Thank you.

And it's funny how her energy

just kind of made us behave.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

And I apologize.

- That's okay.

- I'm sorry.

Thank you.

After we revealed the prank to her,

she was such a good sport about it.

- You!

- I am so sorry.

- You.

- I'm sorry.

- You're a bad man.

- I'm sorry.

- You're, here's the deal, buddy.

- Isn't he terrible?

Let me just tell you

something about you, Irving.

The deal with you is that

you really sold it.

- It's not that you didn't sell it.

- No, I know. No, he's right. No, I know.

- I was terrified.

- But I thought, "What an a**hole."

You're not too far from

the truth, actually.

A couple of weeks later,

the lady sends an email to

our field producer, Jarrod,

and it was the funniest email,

recounting how she perceived

that whole prank.

"Driving back on the 405,

happy to live in a town

"where the ordinary can become

the extraordinary in an instant,

"where normal life

can be interrupted by surprise

"and where, for a moment,

if we're paying attention,

"we can be lifted out of

the repetition of the routine

"into a creative act that could

be hidden in every moment."

She really put a happy

face on that prank.

We are making

an erection device.

Kassak, can you take it up slow?

There's Kosick in his gym shorts.

Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, look

at him, he's working out.

He put a robe on.

When you're not in shod range,

the default position for the device

is with the erection straight out.

As soon as we got outside the

building, out of the range,

I just had the biggest erection.

And there was nothing

to cover it with,

and it was sticking really far out.

One of Hollywood's greatest

actresses, Catherine Keener,

is helping me conceal this erection

the whole time around the building.

I'm sorry, Catherine.

Okay, who's the last one,

person who cut the card?

I'm too old to cut the cards,

but I can still flop the queen,

- if you know what I'm saying.

- Okay.

I'm sorry, ma'am. It's my

wife and my 50th anniversary.

I'm feeling a little

frisky tonight.

Happy anniversary, baby.

She got me a compass.

Which is really sweet.

I don't know how to open the

goddamn thing. There we go.

Is there some reason

she gave you a compass?

- Is this your hand right here, sir?

- So I can find the bottom of her vagina.

- Stop it, God damn it.

- Okay.

But you also need some longitudinal

and latitudinal coordinates,

I think, to help.

Or maybe some, like, mossy trees.

You got it, you got it, my friends.

She's got a mossy tree.

But, I mean, your wife's Japanese,

- so you get that.

- What did you say?

- Yeah, yeah, you know.

- Yeah.

He says his wife's Japanese

and she's got a hairy one.

What'd you get me for my present?

I will, baby, can I tell

you in a second, baby?

What'd you get me?

What'd you get me?

- What'd you get me?

- Baby, let's play, let's play.

Okay, what'd you get me?

What'd you get me?

Baby, let's play.

We got married 50 years ago today.

I can't tell her what I got her.

- Today! Fifty years ago.

- Okay.

I took two Viagra!

Good, good, good, good, good,

that's gonna be good for you,

very good for you later tonight,

yeah. Yeah, good luck.

Give me your hand.

Okay, okay, there's my hand.

- That's all right.

- This is my baby girl right here.

- I believe you, I believe you.

- What are you doing?

Ain't it hard?

Yeah, yeah. That's great.

That's, that's, that's wonderful.

- She got me a golden compass.

- Right, right, right.

I took two Viagra tonight.

That's your gift, baby.

She got me a compass,

I got her a teepee.

Oh, my God.

Stop it, stop it! I don't

think that it's that funny.

Baby, baby, come here, baby.

You guys are f***ing crazy.

Oh, my God, those, that couple, you

couldn't have gotten better marks.

- They were so sweet.

- Please stop. Somebody call stop.

We cut. We're telling

everyone right now.

- Do we have to go back out?

- No, no.

I hate this job.

I f***ing hate you.

This is Handsome Jack Heartthrob,

he's gonna be our corpse for the day.

This is our hearse, and we're

gonna ride around and...

- Car.

- Car.

This is the second funeral bit

you've done with us.

On the TV show, he...

On the TV show,

Jack was playing her pad

and falling out of the

back of the hearse.

Wait, wait, how do we know this

thing's not gonna flip over, though?

- We don't.

- Yeah, how do we know that?

We have no idea.

- So, we have no idea.

- It's called trial and error.

We don't know it's

not gonna flip over.

If it flips over, try to come

out as dead as possible.

'Cause if you break your fall,

it's not gonna look very good

for a dead guy to break his fall.

So your face was all whitish green.

It was white, because Spike

goes, "I'm a makeup artist."

And he just took baby powder

and slammed it in my face.

He's a makeup artist.

What is he doing?

How's Spike's breath?

Is that...

It's cutting through that baby

powder scent, that's for sure.

Insufficient funds, my tuchus.

I am very sorry about all of this.

But you have insufficient

funds, what else can we do?

I'll tell you what you can do,

you can kiss my tuchus.

I don't want you to

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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