Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa .5 Page #7

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bury her anyway.

- Mr. Zisman.

- Get out of my sight. Get!

Can you believe that yahoo?

How we gonna do this?

Come on. Push her close.

Watch out, watch out.

God.

Oh, God.

Get in the car.

- What are we shooting here today?

- We have...

- Smelly Ellie.

- Smelly Ellie.

We're gonna get someone to try to

help bury her in the backyard.

We thought it'd be funny to

hire a guy to come over

and dig a hole in the backyard,

thinking it's for a tree or something,

and then spring it on them that,

"No, what actually, this is for my

wife, and would you carry the body

"out from the house and drop

it in the hole and bury her?"

I had a terrible time at the funeral

home trying to bury my wife.

I was wondering if

I could pay you a little money

to help me bury her

in her favorite spot.

I can't do that, no.

I can give you an extra $60.

I don't think that's legal, and I don't

want to be getting into trouble.

We tried this in Columbus, and

people wanted nothing to do with it.

No, I can't do that.

Can you help me just carry

her outside to bury her?

No, I can't do that.

Please help.

Please help an old man.

So, basically, we did not

get the bit in Ohio,

so we moved it to North Carolina 'cause

that's where our next location to shoot was.

This is the second time trying to get

someone to help me bury the body,

and I'm feeling kinda confident

today that it's gonna happen.

I think the vibe I was

putting out last time was,

wasn't one of positivity.

Today, I'm gonna be

a little more positive

in trying to get the mark

to help me do it.

I was telling you my wife

passed away a couple days ago

and she requested a home burial.

And we are gonna put

her in that hole,

and put a dogwood

tree on top of her.

And I was wondering if you could

help me carry her out there,

- and put her in the hole, please.

- Okay.

If we just...

Okay. Here we go.

You know, just throw

her in there, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Well... Let me, okay.

- All right, leave her go.

- One...

Leave her go.

Leave her go? All right.

Oh, my goodness.

- How much do I owe you?

- $325.

I don't really know about

the legality of all this, so...

$325? Yeah, all right.

I'll give you an extra $100.

That day I had two different people

help me bury a body

in the backyard.

Let's see.

We'll just, I mean, we're just

gonna drop her in, all right?

Okay, one, two, three.

Oh, sh*t.

Jeff just completely discounted

someone was gonna

put it in the ground.

Lord, please take my Ellie girl

into the Palace of Elysium.

She's a good girl.

I'm actually kind of

sugarcoating that a little.

She was always, earplugs, son. She

was always kind of a b*tch, Lord.

Wouldn't give me any poon the

last 10 years of our marriage,

and not even a OTPHJ.

That's an over the pants handjob.

And then we got rid

of that whole idea altogether

and decided to take

the body on the road.

I think it went amazing. We had

three different sets of people

help me dispose of a body today.

Two into a shallow grave

dug in the backyard,

and one just helped me

put her in the trunk.

So, Gloria should be coming in,

into town next week, right?

Yeah, there's her tits and vagina

hanging in that closet over there.

Look at that beat-up old p*ssy.

Well, Gloria's someone that

we've shot with before.

It's really just Spike dressed as

an old lady, doing crazy stuff.

That was, you know, what we

shot on Jackass Number Two.

That's where Gloria was born.

- I'm Irving.

- And I'm Gloria.

And we're a dirty old couple.

In the second one, I was Gloria.

I was this old lady, and she

was very, very forward.

Probably pretty promiscuous

and maybe even a slut.

Hey, you guys like to party?

Hey, Cordell, you

look handsome there.

Thank you.

You boys wanna party?

Gloria, since last we met her,

I think she's evolved a lot.

Gloria can be very of-the-Earth

and at one with herself

and nature and the universe.

And she can share her p*ssy

with everyone.

Steve, can I get

some hand sanitizer, please?

- Well, here's our new dispenser.

- Well, I'll take a little of that.

- Oh, yeah.

- Thank you, sweetheart

Dimitry, do I look prettier

than I ever have before?

Yeah, you do. You look... Yeah.

That was all I wanted. I just asked

them to make me look pretty this time.

- 'Cause I was so...

- You look gorgeous.

I was so demented last time.

I do look really pretty, right?

You have great skin for your age.

- You aged well.

- Thank you.

Gloria, it's tricky, 'cause,

okay, the nice way to put it is

I have very strong features.

I have a big nose.

Spike has very strong features.

To make strong features feminine

is a really rough battle

because the makeup is

an additive process.

Gloria was always

the tough one to crack.

Gloria, you ready for the day?

I don't know.

I mean, yeah, of course.

My whole reason for bringing

Gloria back in this movie

was to shoot a sex scene

with Irving and Gloria.

That's all I wanted to do.

I wanted those two

to be in full body makeup,

and have to do a sex scene, 'cause

neither of them wanted to do that.

They hated that idea.

And he kept coming

back to it, he's like,

"What if we go to San Diego and you

guys have sex in front of a ship?"

Like, things that

didn't even make sense.

So, Gloria in the story

for Bad Grandpa was...

We thought she was gonna be

the old high-school sweetheart

that got away from him.

We decided, we'll just

meet her in a restaurant,

but we'll already

have a date there with her

that we were gonna

get off Craigslist.

Oh, yeah, man. Your email responses

were just off, all night long.

Like, all... I got

like 50 responses.

- Oh, 50, I got 50 dates?

- Yeah, yeah.

It's all these guys

who are answering this ad,

some of them are legitimate, like,

you know, older guys themselves.

But some of them were

just creepy. You know?

There was a guy that would only come if

he was promised mutual masturbation.

And we said yes.

I had a lot of, you know, lot of

firsts that week in North Carolina,

where I found myself,

like, like getting propo...

Like, the man that wanted to give

me a massa... Like, nude massages.

Yes, that, that'd be fun,

bring your massage table,

I've never done that.

I'm a, you know, I'm very curious,

I'm a very, you know,

interested, curious person.

And another man that wanted me

to talk... To dominate him.

You are a naughty boy.

And that you need

a little discipline.

Okay? Now, you get in your

car and you drive over here,

and quit being so naughty.

You just shut up. You do not

talk about your feelings,

'cause I don't give a f***

about your feelings.

No, you don't say that,

or you say, "Yes, ma'am."

Or I'll smack the f*** outta you.

And then Spike felt weird because

he thought the guy may have been

taking care of himself

while he was talking to them.

Are you touching yourself?

You don't like being, do...

You just think about that

for 25 seconds, okay?

You're a bad boy,

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