Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa .5 Page #8

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you go into the corner.

He's never gonna be on camera.

He won't even go in the restaurant.

I mean, I had mixed feelings

about this situation.

And, but, you know,

we gotta make a movie, right?

Bottom line is it's so

poorly thought out because,

well, who the hell's gonna sign

a release form after the fact,

like, they're gonna come out

looking like,

"Oh, my God, I was just out

there trying to hook up

"with an 85-year-old freak show."

I don't wanna lead you on, I'm...

You're not leading me on.

That's not an issue.

I know, but you're coming

on to me and so I don't...

I was not coming on to you.

You were kind of coming on to her.

I was not coming on to her.

- A little.

- It seemed that way when I came in.

It shouldn't seem that way.

Yeah.

That pad when you told me about how

good my Kundalini was, was kinda...

We didn't talk about your Kundalini.

I don't know what a Kundalini is.

You showed him your Kundalini?

No, but I think he could imagine.

I met a man named... We're gonna

have to beep that, though,

because he wanted to f*** me

in the ass. Oops.

I don't know. A lot of them wouldn't sign

the releases, let's put it that way.

Hey!

Hi!

So nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Where are you going?

I've I got here early. And I think

I got another appointment to

go to. I tried to call you.

And do you have five minutes?

No, I need to go to the other

appointment now.

That's okay. I'll

just get some coffee.

Okay. All right, honey. Thanks.

One other thing...

You think we could

meet later on tonight?

Uh no, uh-uh.

Maybe a, you know, a little

booty call around midnight?

No, uh-uh.

Okay. Hope you have a good night.

All right, uh-uh.

I got stood up.

A lot of more funny ones

wouldn't sign releases.

Like, one guy showed up

and he wanted to...

He wasn't very nice to me,

he just wanted to eat

and f***, basically.

And, you know, I wanted a

little conversation first.

He showed up and he was just angry.

You know, he just sat down angry.

Of course, he was angry.

I gotta go to the restroom.

I gotta use the restroom.

- No. Irving.

- Yeah, you know what, I'm, let's, let...

I said I had to go to the restroom.

Jesus. Well, you didn't

have to go and...

I did.

Slam me to the ground.

But, the nice thing is, like, I did

feel vulnerable, but I felt like,

you know, you guys had

my back, basically.

You weren't gonna let me get raped.

Except Jeff. Jeff would

have let me get raped.

No, I gotta go.

F*** this. F*** this.

I'm talking to too many,

too many weirdoes.

The first day got a

little bit dark,

so we retooled the ad,

made it a little bit softer,

and the next day we met Javier.

Who was just a guy in a new town, and

just looking to meet new people.

And that poor guy stayed,

and was nice enough to

sign a release at the end.

Javier?

Yes, it's me.

Hi, how are you? Gloria,

it's so nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

- How was your drive?

- It was fine.

Good, good. The traffic died down?

Yes, nice and light, thank God.

Good, good. Yeah.

Well, let me, here,

let me see your energy.

Okay.

Now breathe into

your chest with me.

Oh, good. Okay, now breathe

into your stomach.

Oh, good, good, that's nice, okay.

Now breathe into your

Johnson with me.

Okay, that's interesting.

I've never been asked to

do that third one before.

- Yeah, it's... It helps with your energy.

- Gloria!

- Irving?

- Hey, Gloria.

How are you, what are you doing?

What are you doing here tonight?

- How are you, sweetheart?

- Hi, Gloria, nice to meet you, I'm Billy.

- Billy, nice to meet you.

- It's my grandson.

This is my new friend, Javier.

- Javier? Hey, man, como estas?

- Hi.

- How are you doing? Yes.

- Good, good. How are you?

- Hey, let me in, Javier.

- Yeah, sure.

Oh, no. We're... I apologize.

Where's the waitress?

I need a coffee.

You need a coffee?

You look really stoned.

- Irving, maybe...

- No, I'm okay.

Ma'am, can I get some cream?

- Certainly!

- Can I get some cream?

Oh, you know what?

I'm sorry, there's

some cream right here.

No, no, no, no,

you don't want this cream.

You don't want this cream.

That has a lot of chemicals in it.

I want you to have my milk.

Okay.

Oh, dear Lord.

I have a gift.

The Lord has given me this gift,

since I was a young woman.

It's amazing, I've never had children,

but I still lactate to this day,

and I don't know how and why.

- Here, try that.

- Did that just happen?

You smell.

- Good, it has a lot of protein.

- It smells okay.

- Doesn't smell bad, right?

- No, it's okay.

Let me tell you something.

Here, scoot over.

- What? All right.

- I just need to sit closer to Javier.

Scoot, scoot over, Julio.

Can I get a little more cream?

- Oh, sure. 'Cause I know...

- But not in my coffee.

Javier likes it when

I show him my mother's milk.

Right here.

Oh, sure.

Oh, pen is... You look...

- Javier, do you want some?

- No, it's okay.

- Do you want some?

- I'm okay.

Does that turn you on when I

do that? Look at me in the eye.

- Make eye contact. I like that.

- No.

He's making eye contact

with me, Irving.

Okay.

Okay, can I go to the

restroom, please?

- Thank you.

- Talk about a cockblock.

- Javier, I apologize, okay.

- I'll be right back.

It's all right, I'll be right back.

No, I think he's gonna

run for the border.

He jumped out of the bathroom

window and ran away.

Luckily, Guch caught him,

and then he signed.

Did he take off out

the backdoor or something?

Maybe he did.

- Yeah, he's out of here.

- He's gone?

Spike and I have a

ball when we shoot,

but he also enjoys pushing my

buttons a little when we shoot.

Oh, boy.

She's a feisty one today.

- I can see.

- Oh, boy.

- That was tongue in my ear.

- Look at me, don't look at her.

- Look at me.

- You're getting a little feisty, baby.

Look in my eyes.

You're so pretty.

Oh, boy.

I had to make out with Spike,

that was terrible.

He really lingers

when you're kissing.

He's not like a get-it-over and...

No, he lingers after he kisses.

Terrible.

As soon as I realized that

Knoxville was getting uncomfortable

when I'd try and kiss him,

then I, of course, couldn't stop.

I was like, every chance I could,

I'd try and make out with him.

You ever... No!

What, why are you so nervous?

Why, why are you so nervous?

Cut!

- Let me see what you've got down there.

- No! Stop, stop, stop.

- Stop, stop!

- What's wrong, PJ?

PJ? You dropped character.

Come here, son. Pull

your pants down.

No! Oh, no! God!

Come here.

- Please stop, please stop.

- Get your clothes off.

Come on, come on, come on.

Come on, you're getting me

all hot and bothered.

You can't just turn me

on like that and let me,

make me go home empty-handed.

Okay, I'm done.

Hey, sir, could you help me get these

beers to my car? I'm so sorry.

Yes, sir. Not a

problem, not a problem.

How are you doing today?

I'm doing good. How about you?

I'm, well, I've been better.

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