Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa .5 Page #9

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You know, my wife

just died recently.

So working myself through it.

Honey, I am so sorry,

I apologize.

Is it a dead person in your trunk?

It's my wife, Ellie.

Ernest!

I'm going to get my grandson

now. God bless you.

Irving, Irving, wait!

Wait, what are you doing?

Like, what the hell is wrong

with y'all people?

Where is he?

Please, you have eyebrows

glued on you and everything,

like, what is wrong with y'all?

What do you mean?

He's riding around with

a dead person in the trunk.

That's his wife.

Why is he riding around with

a dead person in the trunk?

Because she died.

Okay, why has she not been buried?

Because he had an issue

at the funeral home,

and he's gonna bury her himself.

But we're going to

Florida right now,

we're going to the

Florida Keys together.

We're, we're lovers.

Y'all are lovers.

Yeah.

- Well, he just left. I called the police.

- Is he on his way back to pick me up?

- No, he gonna get in trouble.

- But is he coming back to pick me up?

No, he is not coming back. I told

him I was calling the police.

Actually, you know what,

maybe don't call the police.

Yeah, I'm calling the police.

Maybe if you don't call the police.

Yeah, I'm calling.

What if, what if you just

stopped calling the police?

Yes, I need police to

Giant Penny on The Plaza.

No, you're being silly.

And then this lady that's

talking in my background...

We should call it.

She's getting too worked up.

Okay.

Can somebody come over?

Can I tell you something, ma'am?

- It's okay, lady. It's all pad of a TV show.

- We're making a movie.

We're making a movie.

Ma'am, I'm so sorry. I'm not

even a woman. I'm a man.

I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.

You were so nice.

Okay, okay.

- What's your name?

- Robin.

- I'm Spike. So nice to meet you.

- Spike.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- Nice to meet you, too.

She was too nice.

So that we have a tantric

sex lady coming at...

At 2:
00?

Yeah, you know

what tantric sex is, right?

Yeah, it's where you f***

with a lot of eye contact.

Of course. I read about it

in a pamphlet in my church.

Yeah, the sex therapy,

I think it was Spike's idea,

he wanted to get these, like,

spiritual healers to help him,

finally break through so Irving

can have sex with him, her.

Yeah, does any of

this newfangled voodooinsky,

is it gonna loosen her up

in the old bunglestein?

- This might heal you a little bit.

- A little of the pink.

How's that feel?

It feels like you're rubbing

a rock on my face. Stop it.

I'm gonna just put it over here.

This feels nice here.

Well, I kind of need it

here for the reading.

Okay.

But you can hold it until

we get to that point.

Okay.

- And I put it there because it is for love.

- Yeah.

So, see, we already found

some stuff you can do.

Go up to The Portal,

get some rose quartz.

The Porthole?

The Portal.

Where you can get these rocks.

Can I see this one again?

This one's...

Not if you put it in your crotch!

It cannot go in your crotch.

- Why?

- It could fit in there.

- Because it's my rock.

- You use this in your crotch?

No, I do not, and I don't want

you using it on your crotch.

She uses that one.

I don't use any of

these on my crotch...

But you can, they can

be used on your crotch.

No, these are for healing.

No, you would never do that.

You would buy a vibrator, you

wouldn't use one of these.

- These would not be comfortable.

- Where do we get a vibrator?

At The Porthole?

Okay, why are you saying that?

It's The Portal.

- What is it called?

- P-O-R-T-A-L.

It has nothing to do with a hole.

You can think of this as you.

This would be your head,

this would be your body.

There's your poontang, right there.

The magician.

No, my "flower" is

what I like to call it.

She magicianed you.

Make my schmeckle disappear.

She would, she doesn't like your

term, she prefers the term "flower."

- Okay.

- Make him say that. Make him say it.

I heard you say you don't

like the term "poontang."

- And I agree with her.

- And, okay, okay, you prefer "flower."

I would like to eat

your flower, honey.

Okay, we'll work on that,

we'll work on that.

Irving! Tell him how

to say that nicer.

Okay, I would relish the chance...

I would like to put relish

on your flower, honey.

Okay, that's close enough,

'cause he wants to eat it up.

I don't want relish on my flower.

No, no. I said he would

relish, as in really enjoy.

Oh, boy.

Relish, as in really

enjoy the opportunity.

- Yes.

- Won't that sting? It's very spicy.

Okay, no, no, no, no, we're not

putting relish on you anywhere.

And your ultimate outcome card,

if you can learn to use

your words differently.

Right.

- And to not be aggressively grabbing.

- This is the best pad.

This is the best pad.

Everything's gonna work for you.

I get anal.

- That's what she said. Yes.

- That's just what she said?

I'm not saying...

- Not you, the cards.

- ...and the cards are not saying...

They're not saying that you

should have anal, okay?

- What are, what...

- That's, they're saying that

you're gonna have a

better relationship.

That you're gonna be happier,

- and he's gonna be happier.

- And, they're implying anal.

I think what they're

suggesting is that if you...

- Oh, I'm sorry, they're suggesting anal.

- If you are willing...

Yeah, I can never say do this

or don't do that.

And if you tell him that you

don't like it, he will stop.

- But if you like it...

- And then you try it again another time.

- And if you like it...

- It's...

We met the lady with the

crystals, who was very funny.

And then we struck gold

with the card reader.

We've just come in recent

contact with each other again,

and he would like to take our

relationship further, but, myself,

I want to get him fixed

before we do that,

because I don't want him bringing

his negative juju into my energy,

my sexual energy field.

You want to fix him?

So I can knuckle up on her pilaf

and slip her the old butterfinger.

Well, whatever, you know...

Very lewd, he can

be a very lewd man.

Well, he's a man.

That's the way men are.

Tell her what you said

you wanted last night.

I told you that your pubic dandruff is

not doing my schmeckleheimer no favors.

- That's what I told you.

- That's what he said.

Well, are you a Jewish gentleman?

Well, I wasn't,

I was an accountant.

So I changed my name to Zisman to

drum up more business, you know?

- It just smelled like money.

- Oh.

Oh, so you do have

a little Jewish in you.

I'm trying to put a

little Jewish in her.

Okay, you'd like for

her to get nasty.

You'd like for her to get

nasty, wouldn't you?

- I would love for her to get nasty.

- What does that mean?

He wants to

show you physically,

in the words...

Throw it in your pickle schmear.

What is a pickle schmear?

That's just, that's just his lingo.

Oh, okay.

It means the backdoor.

Oh, okay.

Now, I don't know where you're go...

I don't know why you need to go there.

- Where?

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