Jackass Presents: Bad Grandpa Page #8

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a month!

Come back here!

He's a hell of a lot

more than money.

- He's fixing to get hurt out there.

- I hear you, man.

You'll freaking get hurt,

brother.

Unless you die your damn self

then you better chill out.

All right, now, all right!

You got me, all right?

- That boy ain't no 600 dollars.

- I forfeit.

I forfeit.

You understand me?

I give up. I surrender.

Fine. Fine.

You wanna guard that kid?

You guard him.

He's got a guardian.

Go ahead and take off.

We'll keep him inside.

Thank you so much.

Bye, baby!

Have fun, okay?

You okay?

Yeah. You?

I'm okay.

Oh!

Oh, no.

Oh, sh*t!

Sorry about the bikes!

Did you really think

I was going to leave you?

Kind of.

No way!

Well, what do you

want to do now?

I got an idea.

Hey, guys.

- Good evening.

- Hi.

- How are you?

- Good.

- All right...

- Wait.

Now, when we walk in that room,

your name is Lindsey Dill.

Okay?

You're a pretty little girl,

so no farting and no swearing,

you got it?

Let's go win us some money.

All right. Come on.

Hi. Is it okay

if I interview you guys?

Doing a behind-the-scenes

video for the pageant.

Sure.

Who are you?

Hi. My name's Jill.

Can I ask you some questions

for our camera?

Yes.

Say, "Yes, ma'am"

but don't baby-talk.

So, how many pageants

have you been in?

I've probably been

in a thousand pageants.

And how many of them

did you win?

I won every single one!

- What?

- Every single one!

I'm supposed to talk.

It's competitive, it's a sport.

- And my friends...

- And so moms get...

You know,

they get into this competition

and if you're going to do it

and do it right...

What are you doing?

Stop, now. If you're going

to do it and do it right...

I mean, you've got to be

willing to be competitive.

And that's what happens,

you know?

Sometimes I think competition,

just like any other sport,

gets the best of everybody.

Well, thank you so much

for being here tonight

at the Carolina Cutie Pies

Young Miss Pageant.

And because this is such

a special night,

we have a special surprise

for you.

Tonight, for the winner,

we're going to

give away $5,000!

Whoo!

$5,000!

That's crazy!

But now, we want to get into

our beauty gown competition.

- Are you excited?

- I know. I love it!

This is so funny!

Contestant number one,

please come to the stage.

Looking very beautiful tonight.

This is contestant number 10,

Lindsey Dill!

Lindsey has blazing

blonde hair and hazel eyes.

Her hobbies

are football, fishing

and playing

with her sock monkey!

That must be

your proud grandpa.

Ladies and gentlemen,

contestant number 10,

Lindsey Dill.

That's my granddaughter.

Hi-ya!

Let's give her a hand!

Your daughter's so precious.

She's so precious...

She did really good.

I don't know if it'll be

good enough for first place,

but she did really good.

...Good Time by

Owl City and Carly Rae Jepsen.

So, how do you think the

competition's going so far?

Good.

Do you think you have

any stiff competition?

Is that weird?

We've just never seen it,

so it's different.

And this is

contestant number 10.

Everyone, Lindsey Dill!

My Bonnie lies over the ocean

My Bonnie lies over the sea

Aw...

My Bonnie lies over the ocean

Please bring back

my Bonnie to me

Come on.

Sh*t. Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen,

let's hear it

for Lindsey Dill.

Grandpa, what'd you

think of my dancing?

Ha!

I loved your dancing.

You were Ginger Rogers

and Fred Astaire

all rolled into one.

Gimme five.

Grandpa,

school starts on Tuesday.

Tuesday?

Hell, that's when

the ponies start running.

What do you say

I get you to school on Friday?

All right!

All right.

Does this look

like a good spot?

This looks like

as good a spot as any.

Here we go!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Oh!

You sure we should do this?

This is what she wanted.

You got any final words

for your grandma?

Yeah.

Bye, Grandma.

Bye, Ellie.

Whoo!

Let's start fishing.

Let's fish.

I call black one!

You got the black one?

Okay, I got the red one.

Whoa.

Grandpa,

I got to pee-pee.

You got to pee-pee?

Well, dangle that little thing

through the railing

and let her rip.

But point it that way out of

respect for your grandmother.

Man, get the f*** away from me.

What did I do?

Can I get a hug? Dad?

That wouldn't be appropriate,

big guy.

He says you have

a fat kitty cat.

Okay.

Hmm?

- Jiggle my shoulders!

- I tried to do it!

Jiggle my... Ow!

Jiggle! Jiggle!

What does he look like?

He's got a moustache,

big head, tall, um,

and he smells like old farts.

Listen, old man.

I ain't f***ing young.

I'm 45 years old. I'll f***ing

tune you up. All right?

Mmm-hmm. Yep.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Listen up, listen up!

The gentleman you just saw in

here was Mr. Johnny Knoxville

and we are shooting a movie.

Thank you, everyone,

for putting up with me tonight,

and thank you

for not beating me up.

- High five!

- High five!

Why were you wearing a bra?

"Why were you

wearing a bra?"

For my dance.

Well, that was inappropriate!

Doris, what did you think?

My mother's

not gonna like this!

We're shooting a movie.

No way!

You've got to be kidding me!

Oh, my God!

I just did all of that and...

Oh, my God!

And a rusty trombone

for my grandpa.

A rusty trombone

for your grandpa, huh?

Yep.

Well, I need

to take your picture

to see if you're on

a milk carton somewhere.

What do you think?

Don't hurt me!

Hurt you? I'm 86 years old.

Don't hurt me!

Oh...

Billy! Billy!

Ow!

What is a whore?

Oh, boy. Uh...

Oh, boy, that's a tough one.

All right, here we go.

Poof! I'm an old prick now.

Oh, yeah? Get a load of this!

My mommy loves crack almost

as much as I love fishing.

I'm sorry,

what did you just say?

Can I help you?

Talk more like an old man.

- Me?

- Yes.

Yeah, he sounds like

Johnny Knoxville.

I hate this job.

I f***ing hate you!

This is a camera,

in there.

That's a camera.

I think there's a camera here

somewhere.

Talk to that.

Okay, and when...

Hi, how are you?

Oh, look at me!

I look beautiful!

That's one ugly b*tch.

It's interesting. Every time

I work with these guys,

I'm either in a casket

or around a casket.

I like standing here.

And I like standing here.

But my favorite spot is here.

- Come on.

- Get away.

I may be too old

to stir the gumbo,

but I can still lick

the ladle, that's for sure.

In my opinion, ladle-licking

is more important

than gumbo-stirring anyway.

Oh, I can lick my eyebrows.

Get out!

F***.

Oh, my God!

Are you all right?

- Okay.

- Oh, man.

Whoa.

Big finish.

What's going on here?

Get out of here, a**hole.

We have to bring in

your stunt double.

- Thank you.

- You gotta be shittin' me, man!

I'm sitting there looking, I'm

like, "What is up with this?"

Are you serious?

You guys are

so sweet to look after Billy.

- Oh, my God!

- How are you?

Ugh!

Oh, I'm sorry, Kelman.

My Bonnie lies over the ocean

My Bonnie lies over the sea

My Bonnie lies over the ocean

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