Jarhead Page #5

On top of the world, huh?

Yes, Staff Sergeant!

Well, I have

more important things to do...

like play with my balls.

But guess what,

you guys are scheduled...

for a little two-day vacation

back in the rear...

so I suggest

you get your sh*t together.

You can start

by taking all that down.

(Marine)

F***!

(Sykes)

Yeah, whatever.

[Thunder rumbling]

(Troy)

Come on, Swoff, pack up.

(Fowler)

Your mommy again, Fergie.

What are you listening to?

(Fergus)

My mom's Christmas tape.

You're a retard.

(Troy)

Fergus, you and your mom

got fire watch tonight.

(Fergus)

Man, that's two

straight weeks.

Why does it have to be me?

(Troy)

'Cause you're so boot.

(Fowler)

You are boot.

Oh, yeah.

That's the third

f***ing time, man.

What's that?

I just want it to say

"no preference. "

Is that so f***ing hard?

What difference does it make?

God knows you're

"no preference. "

(Kruger)

At least they got

the blood type right.

I mean, which would you

rather get? The wrong prayer

or the wrong blood?

(Fowler)

One lonely pink letter

from Sacramento.

Kristina. I wonder

what she's up to?

Now, I dare you...

(Fowler)

Go jerk off outside.

(Cortez)

Oh, my God.

(Marine #1)

What?

Oh, my God, man, I have a son!

[All yelling]

I got a f***ing son, man!

I got a little boy!

(Marine)

Let's see.

Look at that cute kid.

You better check

the mailman, bro.

This baby's a gringo, man.

No way. That's definitely

Montezuma Jr.

I don't care, as long as

he's not a Cuban

with a little dick.

Cortez, can I see him?

Here you go, Pinko.

He's beautiful, man.

[All cheering]

(Cortez)

I'll put my little boy up.

Doesn't look good.

Kristina has a new friend,

man.

She got a new friend?

He's the night manager

at her hotel, and she says

he's a good listener.

Man! This is getting worse.

He's f***ed, man.

Oh, I told you. I told you.

She's one of those girls

with a military fetish.

Yeah, and she's getting off

when she tells the Jody...

that her boyfriend's

a jarhead.

Yeah, man, f***.

All right, f*** off.

I can see it.

I can see it now.

She works in a hotel.

She goes into

a vacant room, right?

Grabs onto the pole and goes,

"Jody! Jody! Six-foot-four!"

(Troy)

Hey, hey, hey.

Go pull the legs off a spider.

Okay, Corporal.

(Kruger)

Hey, Swoff. That's right.

Cheer up, man.

We heading back to the rear.

We'll get some AC...

sh*t in a flush toilet,

you can use the phone.

I'm gonna call her.

(Kruger)

You f***ing A.

Even if she is f***ing

someone else.

Root beer shower!

No more monkey ass!

[All cheering]

Root beer shower!

[Marine hooting]

What? Where are you going?

To work.

Where you going?

Hey, look, it's a cock,

but smaller.

[People chattering]

##[Something in the Way

playing]

[Breathing heavily]

F***!

F***!

(Kristina)

Hello?

Kris, it's me.

Hello?

Hello.

[Laughing]

Oh, my God, Tony.

How are you? I'm good.

How are you?

[Laughing]

Missing you.

I'm all right.

I'm missing you, too.

I saw your mom.

We went to visit your sister.

How is she?

Your mom?

No, Rini.

She's doing better.

She's doing really good.

So this guy...

Did you get the pictures?

Yeah, I got them.

They're great.

Did you see the one

of you and me?

The guy at the hotel...

Who?

How well do you know him,

Kris?

Who, Carl? He's just a friend.

How well do you know him?

Tony, he's just a friend.

Hello?

Yeah, I'm here.

Hello?

Kris?

Tony?

I'm here.

Tony!

Kris?

God.

Kris?

[Off-the-hook phone beeping]

[Water running]

[Retching]

[Coughing]

You were making

some pretty weird sounds, man.

Dettman's wife sent him

Deer Hunter.

Let's go watch it.

[Coughing]

(Fowler)

Put it on!

Shut up, Fowler,

you f***ing sh*t bird!

Shut the f*** up.

(Dettman)

You shut up already.

(Marine)

Yeah!

##[Deer Hunter

theme music playing]

Get your boot off

my f***ing chair,

you f***ing boot.

Rude motherf***er, Swoff.

[Groaning]

[All yelling]

What the f***?

That's my wife.

That's my f***ing wife!

Oh, f***. That's my wife.

That's Clancey.

That's my f***ing neighbor.

I lent him my f***ing car.

That's my wife.

That's my f***ing wife!

[Moaning]

You f***ing b*tch!

No! You slut! No!

F***!

[Crying]

You don't need

to see this sh*t.

Oh, f***, baby.

You don't need to see this.

Swoff, come on.

Take him outside.

Come on, Dettman. Come on.

F***! I wanna go home!

(Dettman)

I wanna go home.

Who's f***ing around now,

Brian?

[All yelling]

F***ing f*ggot, man!

Let's watch it again!

[All cheering]

[All chattering]

That's enough! That's enough!

(Fowler)

No, no, no! Why?

That's his f***ing wife!

[Screaming]

[Marine booing]

No fun!

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for you to leave

so I can watch it again.

Why do you want to

watch it again?

I want to watch it again.

Why?

I want to see

what it's like...

to watch somebody else

f*** your girlfriend.

[Exhales]

Come on. Get your sh*t.

Come on. We're going back.

(Swoff)

For most problems...

the Marine is issued

a solution.

If ill, go to sickbay.

If wounded, call corpsman.

If dead,

report to graves registration.

If losing his mind, however...

no standard solution exists.

No...

standard...

solution...

exists.

What's up, buddy?

Merry Christmas.

Yeah.

I hear you got some good sh*t.

Fly, rumor, on winged feet.

Here...

read this.

What is it?

It's a love letter

for the Major.

I write all of his letters.

"Dear sweet Gloria,

I wish I was up in you now...

"with a finger in your ass.

"Love you, Captain Skinboat. "

I studied classics

at Dartmouth.

It's a good school.

$40, five gallons.

[Whistling]

Hey, Swoff.

Which way do I mount this?

What does it say?

"Front toward enemy. "

Oh, yeah.

Got to be a clue.

Thanks. Sorry.

Fergus, you take

my watch tonight,

I'll pay you back.

(Fergus)

Not again. It's Christmas Eve.

I'll send you out

a f***ing tree.

Oh, great, a tree.

Merry Christmas.

##[OPP playing on radio]

# I'll take you

frame by frame it #

# To have y'all jumpin'

shall we sing it #

# O is for Other,

P is for People

scratchin' temple #

# The last P, well,

that's not that simple #

# You down with OPP ##

[yelling]

[All yelling]

# The first two letters

are the same #

# The last is something

different #

# It's the longest,

loveliest, leanest

I call it the leanest #

# It's another

five letter word ##

[all yelling]

[All cheering]

##[Grandma Got Run Over

by a Reindeer

playing on radio]

##[OPP playing on radio]

[All cheering]

F***ing killers!

##[Grandma Got Run Over

by a Reindeer

playing on radio]

Sh*t!

Sh*t!

[Marines yelling]

Sh*t.

[Marines all cheering]

Oh, sh*t!

[Flares exploding]

(Swoff)

What the f***?

Come on! Now!

Let's get some!

[Marines yelling]

F***! F***! F***! F***! F***!

What the f*** is that?

It's time to do it all!

It's time for me to...

(Fergus)

Sorry, guys. I'm really sorry.

It was my sausages.

F***er's f***ed now.

[Retching]

So do you have all of that

unauthorized beverage

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