Jason Nash Is Married Page #7

Oh, you still

wear your wedding ring.

- Oh, yeah, you know, I...

honestly,

I didn't even know it was on.

I probably should take that off.

OH.

PROBABLY SHOULD...

NO.

She's not coming back.

Throw it away.

I really should keep it on here,

though,

'cause it's the best way

to not lose it.

- Right. Listen.

Let me give you...

if I have one... a card.

Um, only if you want some

advertisements on your podcast

because another job I do

is to help people find sponsors.

So that's my number.

- Um...

- Okay.

- You have a ton of jobs.

- I do.

I mean, I don't want you

to think I'm, like,

one of those people

that's all over the place.

'Cause I am

a really solid person.

- Yeah.

Your panties

are over there still.

- Oh.

- You want to hear

my Neil diamond song?

- Jason.

- Food!

I been eating some - Jason.

- I love you, food

- Jason,

I have to tell you something.

Please,

I just need to say this and...

- what is it, baby?

Um...

When I was in Arizona

for work...

I cheated on you

with Dan morrison.

- Oh, my God.

Really?

- I didn't sleep with him

or anything, Jason, we just...

I was really drunk,

and we fooled around.

And I feel... I don't know.

It was so weird, and I'm...

I'm so sorry, Jason.

And I just... I've been

beating myself up about it

for two weeks,

and I just didn't know

if I should even tell you.

And, God, I'm just so sorry.

I can't believe I would...

I don't know why I...

it's just so stupid.

I'm so sorry.

- Hey. It's okay.

No worries.

Who cares?

- What?

- I don't care.

- What do you... what do you...

what do you mean, "who cares"?

- It doesn't bother me.

Do you love him?

- No, of course

I don't love him, Jason.

- Okay,

so then what's the big deal?

So you hooked up.

No big deal.

Oh, God.

You know what?

I'm gonna go to sleep

before I eat the fridge.

All right.

Will you lock up

and, you know, do the lights?

I love you.

I'll see you upstairs.

To be married,

you got to be normal.

You got to care

about normal things

that normal people care about.

Like tile and thank you notes.

And, yes, I cared

that she was with someone else.

But saying that I didn't

was the only way

I could have some power.

I was the sh*t spouse

in that relationship,

the person

who waits for the cable guy

or takes an animal

to the hospital

when he needs to be put down.

And with busy,

everything was about her

and her life.

- I'm so glad that

we finally worked this out

and you guys could make it over.

It's great.

And, Andy, seriously,

we would love to work with you

on something this year.

- Oh, I'm glad somebody

wants to work with me.

- Everybody wants

to work with you.

I'm just glad that

we're getting to know you guys,

because friendship

is so important.

I had to cut off a friend

this morning.

- Oh, no.

- What happened?

- Remember how I told you

I took a picture of my kid

watching the

shake weight commercial?

- Right.

- So funny.

- And it's like, you know,

a woman is shaking a weight,

like, doing this gesture

right in front of her breasts.

Anyway, I put it on Facebook,

I told my friends.

Like, I locked the privacy down.

I said, don't share this

with anybody.

It's a picture of my kid,

but it's so funny.

- Of course.

- And this woman

put it on her tumblr blog.

OH.

- A picture of my kid.

That's the ultimate invasion.

- You don't do that.

- No.

- You don't do that.

There are so many pedophiles

out there.

- Right.

- And believe me,

I know how perverted I am.

- Just cut 'em off. That's it.

I said, no more.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Wow.

- Burn me once,

you're out of here.

- Just like that. Just...

- YEAH.

- Cut 'em out, huh?

- Sure.

- Wow. That's awesome.

You know, 'cause...

that's so funny,

'cause, like, I mean,

I don't know you that well.

But you seem... you seem so nice.

Like, it's just... - I am nice.

But don't cross me.

Cross me once,

and you're gone, Jason Nash.

- Okay, Sarah.

I... I won't...

I won't cross you.

- SHE'S NOT KIDDING.

- Okay.

J, why don't we get some

drinks out here.

Andy doesn't have anything.

What would you like?

- Water's fine.

- Water? Great.

- Oh, my God.

Andy Richter and his wife,

Sarah, are so cool.

- I know.

- Hey.

I think he really likes me.

- Okay, no.

No, please, do not ask him

to do your podcast.

- That's not what I'm saying.

I can see the little wheels

in your brain turning.

- Well, why can't I ask him

to do my podcast?

- Because you do it with Dennis,

and that guy is a moron.

He's the worst,

especially with celebrities.

What did he say to Liam Neeson?

- HE TOLD HIM HE THOUGH SCHINDLER'S LIST WAS TOO LONG.

- See? That's what I'm saying.

That's crazy.

- It is a little long.

- Oh, hey, look at you.

You are, like,

king of the dipshits.

- King of the dipshits?

- It's pretty...

- is that a reference

to me and my friends?

- Yes.

- Really?

- You are.

- Yeah?

- Look, all I'm saying...

this is my point.

Don't blow your wad

with Andy Richter

on some stupid podcast

that no one's gonna even hear.

- You know,

I sort of think you owe me,

considering...

What happened in scottsdale.

So, Andy Richter,

thank you so much

for being here for the hour.

- Thank you for having me.

It was great.

Had a good time.

- Yeah, it's good, right?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It was painless.

Painless. I expected more pain.

- I just want to say

I SAW NEW YORK MINUTE LAST WEEK,

AND, UH...

- Here comes the pain.

It was pretty unfunny.

I mean, well,

when I said "pretty unfunny,"

I mean, really, really unfunny.

- WHAT'S NEW YORK MINUTE?

- It's a movie I did

with the Olsen twins...

- What is it?

- A number of years ago.

- Wait. What's the movie?

- IT'S CALLED NEW YORK MINUTE.

The Olsen twins.

It was a feature film

that they did,

and I was in it.

- I guess it was

an artistic choice

to do an Olsen twins' movie.

Oh, and also the Chinese accent

you do is really offensive.

- Wait, you do

a Chinese accent in it?

- Yeah, a really offensive

Chinese accent.

- Nah, it wasn't that offensive.

- What are you doing?

What are you doing?

- It was kind of funny.

- What are you doing?

Why are you doing this?

Why... why... don't do this.

This is our guest.

- I just kind of brought it up.

- Don't be...

- why would a man your...

a man with gray in his beard

be watching

the Olsen twins' movie

just a couple of weeks ago?

- Oh, why would a man your age

be doing the Olsen twins' movie?

- Dennis.

- No questions...

why would... - just stop, okay?

Dennis, just do the...

- Is that perv?

Is that some kind of perv...

- Andy, I'm really sorry.

I'm just... just do the technical

end of the podcast.

- Anyway...

- Sorry.

- Andy, it's been a great hour.

You know,

Andy and Sarah were, Dennis,

they were up at my house

the other day.

- We had a very nice time.

- What a beautiful wife.

- Oh, thank you.

- She is...

- I hope she didn't have

a little too much to drink.

- She had a little to drink.

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