Jason Nash Is Married Page #8

She's fun. She's fun.

- She gets a little crazy.

She likes her white wine.

- Yeah, she does.

- Sometimes, you know,

she gets a little feisty,

but you know,

it's got its upside too.

Sometimes it makes her

a little frisky.

- Really?

- Yeah.

So I get to... you know,

I get the benefits

of that sometimes.

The insistence.

- Like sex? She's sexual?

She's a little... gets horny?

- I maybe have been pulled into

a couple of bathrooms

here and there.

Which is really...

- Are you serious?

- At, like, a party?

- A joy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I... but...

- wait a minute. Wait a minute.

So Sarah, nice Sarah

the wonderful, charming Sarah

will go to a party...

- Yes, I'm... oh, I'm in so much

trouble for saying that.

- And pull you

into the bathroom,

and you'll have sex

in the bathroom?

- I will leave it up to your

imagination as to what we do.

- Oh. I love...

I mean, I just...

I love her so much more now.

- Well, don't love her too much.

- I thought I loved her a lot...

- Yeah.

- And now she's, like,

a ten in my book.

- Great. Okay.

- Sarah.

- F***!

- F***.

- What?

- Sh*t! It's gone.

F***!

Oh, no, no, no. Don't crash!

It crashed!

F***! F***!

F***! It crashed!

It's gone!

Everything we just did,

it's f***in'...

- all right, so take it easy.

- You f***in' take it easy!

You f***in' take it easy!

- Right? Take it easy?

- Calm down!

- It's gone!

- Stop yelling.

- F***, man!

F***!

Oh, f***!

- Dennis, will you stop?

- Will you calm down?

- Sh*t!

You don't even know

what I'm doing!

You don't even know

what "crash" means!

- Yeah, I...

- You don't even give a sh*t!

- I know what "crash" means.

- Neither does this

f***in' a**hole.

Jesus Christ!

It's f***in' gone.

No f***in' way.

F***!

- Is he okay?

- Oh, yeah, he... yeah.

No, he flips out

every once in a while.

- Yeah, yeah.

Uh, he might need some help.

- He's actually really good

technically.

- Okay.

Um, I wanted to ask you

before I go.

Uh, it's totally my fault.

I brought it up.

But could you please

cut out the part

where I talk about my wife

and the drinking

and the sex and the...

I should not have brought it up.

I'm sorry.

But I do not want that on

the podcast if that's possible.

- I totally understand.

Of course.

And you know what?

The whole episode is lost, so...

- Oh.

So he wasn't able to get it...

he was...

- no.

- It's gone.

- Yeah, so I don't even

have to cut anything out,

'cause nothing is...

nothing is going out.

- So this has all been a waste

of everyone's time then.

- Yeah.

- Wow. That... that is a drag.

That is a real...

- Yeah, I know.

- I... um...

- Uh...

- And I would say "let's go back

in and do it again," but...

- no, no, no, I can't. I can't.

- Yeah, of course.

No, I get it.

I get it.

- All right, well, thanks.

See you later.

- See you... see you later, Andy!

We'll talk soon.

But... we'll be able to do it

again or...

- no f***in' way!

F***!

- Jason, I just don't get it.

Did you really not care

that I was with someone else?

- Um, I mean, I guess.

I guess I...

yeah, I mean, I cared.

I mean, I care about you,

but I mean,

what do you want me to do?

You want me to go over there

and start a fight with the guy?

- I don't... I don't know.

- Yeah, maybe. Sure.

- Oh, that's...

that's ridiculous.

Oh, and what... no, I want you to

do something, you know?

I just feel like your reaction...

I don't know, Jason.

Maybe there's something

wrong with you.

- Well, you know,

I'm not possessive.

I'm not a possessive person.

If you want to go be with

that guy, you go be with him.

- I don't want to...

- I know you don't.

I know you don't want to

be with him.

I know that.

But it's like, um, you know,

this is our thing,

you know what I mean?

Like, this is... remember

when we first started dating,

and, like, I didn't care?

Like, that got you

more interested in me.

Like, when you think about it...

- that's really not true, Jason.

And I don't want you to

get out of this by doing bits.

I want to have a real

conversation with you.

- Let's have it.

Let's have

an adult conversation.

Oh, God. Okay, I got to...

I have to take this.

- Jason.

Just...

- hey, Dennis, what's up?

- Hey, man, good news.

I was able to recover

that Richter episode,

and I uploaded it.

- What?

- Yeah.

A couple of sites

already picked it up,

so it's going crazy.

Must be all that stuff about him

having public sex with his wife,

which is disgusting.

- No. Dennis, no.

He wanted that stuff taken out.

You got to take the episode down

right now.

- I can't. I already put it up.

It's already out there.

I can't.

- Oh, jeez.

This is Andy Richter calling me

right now.

Take the episode down.

Hi, Andy.

- Yeah, hey, Jason.

Uh, you told me

you were gonna take that down.

- Andy, I am so sorry.

I know what I said.

And it's a funny thing with me.

Things seem to go poorly

when I'm around them.

Don't know how else to say it.

- Yeah,

Sarah wants to talk to you.

- You know what?

I don't need to talk to Sarah.

Just tell her

I'm very, very sorry.

Send her my...

- You lying piece of sh*t.

Sad sack a**hole.

You betrayed our trust.

I told you not to cross me,

Jason Nash.

Uh-huh.

You're dead to me.

You're dead to me!

And you're dead to Andy.

Tell him he's dead to you.

He's dead to you.

- You're dead to me.

- HELLO?

Hello?

- I want a divorce.

Do you have someplace to go?

What do you care?

When you get separated,

two voices go off in your head.

The first voice goes,

"don't be a dick.

You're not as important

as you think you are."

And the second voice goes,

"f*** this.

This is not what

I wanted my life to look like."

I have a friend

who doesn't come see me anymore

because his wife is afraid

that they'll hit a deer

on the highway.

It's a totally irrational fear.

And he'll call me,

and he'll say,

"oh, man,

"j, I'd love to come down

this weekend,

"but, you know,

Megan's worried about the deer."

And he's fine with that.

He totally accepts that

as his reality.

And that's what marriage is.

It's basically what

you're willing to put up with.

- Hold on

- I was really excited

that you asked me out.

- Yeah? Why's that?

- I don't know.

I just... I feel like

I've dated so many baby men.

And you're, like, mature.

- Well...

- You know?

And I would be lying

if I didn't say how much I love

seeing your chest hair

snake out of your shirt.

- Oh.

OH, YEAH.

Hey, you like the front,

you should see the back, huh?

IT'S LIKE...

"YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK."

- Did you think that was funny?

- That was really funny.

- You like that one?

- It's really, really,

really funny.

Look, and I'm sorry that

I was arguing with you before.

You know, I just...

I think you're being

too hard on yourself.

Like, you're a guy.

You don't want to go antiquing.

You don't want to pick out

some stupid tile bullshit.

And that's just... that's it.

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