Jason Nash Is Married Page #9

- Yeah.

- I mean, honestly,

your wife sounds like a lot.

Like she was difficult.

- I don't know.

That's what it is. You know?

Your marriage

is this crazy compromise.

And, like,

one person wants Italian

and one person wants Chinese,

then they argue

for a little while,

and then they just end up

somewhere that nobody wanted.

So two people are just

sitting in a restaurant,

and they're like,

"did you want this?"

And the other person's like,

"no."

And then, like, "did you want"...

like, "no."

And that's why we have

cheesecake factory.

- You're completely wrong.

I feel sorry for you.

I mean, that... that's not

what marriage is at all.

It's not supposed to be

that hard.

Marriage is supposed to be

where two people fall in love,

and they are together.

And together,

they can accomplish

anything that

they've ever wanted.

They can... they can accomplish

their dreams.

And I'm sorry,

but it sounds like, you know,

your marriage just, like,

it's a good thing

that it didn't work out.

- You really think that?

- Yeah.

- Oh, you poor feygele.

I feel so bad for you, Jason.

I can't believe...

this is such a nightmare.

I can't believe

that this is happening.

- It's okay.

- This is a terrible thing.

- No, no, don't be upset.

- Oh, my God.

This is awful.

What about the kids? The kids.

Oh, my God.

- They'll be okay.

- Why is this happening,

feygele?

It... you're so perfect

in every way.

You're a perfect father.

You're a perfect husband.

You're such a wonderful person,

and you're so handsome.

- Do me a favor.

I want you to tell me...

tell me something negative

about myself.

I want you to tell me.

- Well,

the only thing I can think of

is, you're so smart,

and you're so fast

and your mind works so quickly

and you're so far ahead

of everybody else that,

you know, sometimes that may be

intimidating to someone.

- Right.

- They're intimidated by me.

- Yeah.

- The fact that I...

- It could be.

- The fact

that I don't have a job,

and I owe the government

$30,000.

- So listen,

while we're talking,

I have an appointment at saks,

and I have to get...

I have a new product

that I'm promoting.

It's called delectable face.

- So what do you...

do you eat it?

Is it... do you eat it?

- No, no, no.

It's... a pleasant product.

Delectable means to be pleasant

on your face.

- It's an odd name.

- One of the things

I'm gonna do today is,

I'm gonna interview people

because I need people

to work for me

to promote the product.

- I could

do something like that.

I mean, maybe

I could work for you...

do you think

I could do that or...

- yeah, you could use

your improv skills

to sell the product.

It would be great.

With your looks

and your personality

- yeah?

- And you've got comic timing.

You know what the best part

of this whole thing is, doll?

- What?

- We're gonna

get to spend time together!

Oh, I'm so excited!

- This is it, man.

This is it. This is the ticket.

- I think that's the worst name

of any product of all time.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Delectable face?

No, it's really good.

- No, it sounds like somebody's

going to eat your face.

- You got... you don't know a lot

about words, but words...

- did you even

know what that meant

before you started

working there?

- No, I had to look it up.

- Right. Yeah.

- Nash?

- Hey!

- Hey!

Oh, my gosh.

So good to see you.

How are you doing?

- Jeff Grayson.

- Yeah, uh, Jeff Grayson.

- Hey, Walter.

- How are you doing?

- Hey.

- I'm headed right over

to the Nick Swardson show.

We're just...

- you know, I'm not in

the industry, so I don't care.

- All right.

You know, I don't know if

you would be interested in this.

Would you want to

submit for the show

as a writer

or a writer/performer?

- Oh, you know what?

I'm not...

I'm not doing that anymore.

I'm out of the comedy game,

and I'm working

over at delectable face.

- Oh, is that... so it's like

food you put on your face?

- No, it's not like food.

It's... it's a different meaning

of "delectable."

Like "pleasing."

"Delectable"

also means "pleasing."

- I always think of...

delectable as, like,

a culinary connotation

or it makes me think of...

- there's a couple meanings

of "delectable,"

and you need to use

the other meaning.

It's... you know what?

It's really gonna work out.

- Okay. Well, if you...

I mean,

if you ever want to submit,

I would read anything

that you wrote.

- Thanks a lot.

That's a really nice thing

to say, and...

thank you. That means a lot.

- So good to see you.

- Yeah.

- It was nice to meet you.

- See you, Jeff.

Slap! OW!

Oh, my God.

What the hell was that for?

- What the hell was that for?

First you let some guy

sleep with your wife

and now he's offering you

a writing job?

- I'm not gonna get that job.

That job is a waste of time.

- That guy was begging you

to take the job.

- No, he wasn't.

- You got to get back

to crazy Nash.

Level-headed crazy.

That's what works, okay?

That's our friendship.

If it's just level-headed,

level-headed, it doesn't work.

- Look, I'm sorry, dude.

I didn't mean to hit you

in the face.

I get it.

Just drop me off here.

There's a bus.

- There he is.

That's Dan morrison.

- Who's that?

- That's the guy

busy cheated with.

- Wait. Dude.

Okay, man, listen.

This is not a good idea.

Okay, I know what you're doing.

I know I said

I wanted crazy Nash back,

but this is the wrong way to go,

dude.

- I'll be right back, Walter.

- No, no, no, no, no.

It's a bad idea, dude.

- Hey!

- Hey, can I help you, buddy?

- Yeah, you could tell me

how this tastes for lunch.

- Smack!

- OH!

Oh, my God. Oh.

- Are you all right?

- What the f***, man?

Why'd you hit me?

- Stay away from my wife, Dan.

- Dan!

Dan, you got to get out here.

- I'm not Dan. I'm bill.

- Almost done with this...

- Huh?

- I'm not Dan. I'm bill.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What did you do?

What did you do?

Are you all right, bill?

- He hit me.

He hit me.

- Oh, my God.

You got the wrong guy.

I'm Dan. This is bill.

YOU HIT THE WRONG GUY.

- What did you do this for?

- You hit...

you hit a guy with cancer.

He's got cancer.

- Really?

- Yes.

- But I...

- we've met a ton of times.

You don't recognize me?

- Really?

- Yeah, like, 20...

you came to my wedding.

- I did?

- Yes.

You came to my wedding.

- I don't remember.

- Are you that self-involved,

Jason?

Huh?

That you don't even recognize

the guy you're beating up?

- Well, listen, you guys...

I mean, you look exactly alike.

- NOT REALLY, ACTUALLY.

- NO.

- We look nothing alike.

Just 'cause we're bald?

- Shut up, Walter.

- Yeah, you could throw me in,

I mean...

- yeah, do we look alike?

- That's enough.

Okay, shut up right now.

You fooled around with my wife,

and that's unacceptable,

unacceptable to me.

I'm sorry I hit your friend

who has cancer.

- It's okay, I just lost my cool

for a second.

You know what?

I'm in remission five years.

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