Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #10

EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAY

Jay and Silent Bob sit close to each other, staring at--

SUZANNE (the ORANGUTAN)--who sits on a log across from them, staring back.

JAY:

This is Jussy's monkey

(to Suzanne, angrily)

JUSTICE DIED FOR YOU, YOU MONKEY F***!

Suzanne covers her eyes with her hands suddenly. Jay and Silent Bob, startle, with Jay

leaping behind Silent Bob and pulling back as if he's going to strike.

JAY:

(to Silent Bob)

Do something. Tons of Fun!

Silent Bob offers the ape a weak wave. Suzanne drops her hands from her face and waves

back. Jay cranes his neck to see over silent Bob.

JAY:

Is that f***ing thing waving at us?

Suzanne nods. Jay steps out from behind Bob. They state at the ape.

JAY:

Holy sh*t? That monkey understood us! Maybe it's some sort of super-monkey!

Suzanne offer them a "raspberry." Spitting as if the comment was ridiculous. Jay and

Silent Bob react with surprise at this.

JAY:

What the f*** was that for? It's not a stupid idea! I seen it in Congo?

Suzanne holds her nose, as if to say, "Congo stunk." Silent Bob smiles in agreement and

amusement. Jay looks at him, stung.

JAY:

You're my b*tch. You get my back. Don't go joining this chimp's side.

Jay looks around the woods, formulating a thought. Silent Bob moves toward the ape,

extending his hand to shake hers.

JAY:

Yo--what if there's more super monkeys up in the lab? Maybe they're making an army

of 'em up there! Holy sh*t! Maybe it's a conspiracy--like on the X-Files Roswell--style!

JAY'S DELUSION:
We enter into JAY'S HEAD and see--

INT. LAB--DAY

We PAN over from a chimp in a chemist's coat measuring liquids in a pair of beekers to

a chimp at a drafting table skecthing blueprints for an insidious war machine. An

orangutan shakes hands with a group of five well-dressed men, one of which looks like

the Cigarette Smoking Man from the X-Files.

JAY (V.O.)

Working in secret with a crew of double-dealing, nicotine-fiending fucks that're selling

out the human race, these supermonkeys will use simian science and their genius IQ's to

make man and monkey alike believe that they're the superior species!

EXT. BALCONY--DAY

A monkey dressed like Mussolini addresses a huge crowd of apes, who wave fists in the

air.

JAY (V.O.)

Then all it'll take is one little monkey in a spiffy suit to whip the dumber chimps into a

frenzy, until they go all ape-sh*t and start demanding more bananas, better pay, and

human flesh!

EXT. FIELD--DAY

Randal leads a pack of humans racing through a cornfield, and is shot in the neck. He

collapses, revealing a GORILLA on horseback holding a rifle. Two other Gorillas throw

a net over him.

JAY (V.O.)

You'll have to be faster than Walt Flanagan's Dog to outrun the warrior gorillas, who

hunt humans for sport, profit, and the occasional inter-species blow-job. And if you don't

wind up with a monkey hog in your mouth, you'll be captured, killed or worse..

INT. LAB--DAY

Cornelius and Zera-looking chimps dissect the brain of a living, screaming, Dante.

JAY (V.O.)

Eaten alive!

EXT. QUICK STOP--DAY

The Quick Stop is overrun by vines in a jungle like atmosphere. Monkeys exit the store

carrying bunches of bananas. The sign now reads: Ape Stop

JAY (V.O.)

Then these monkey fucks'll start wearing our clothes and rebuilding the world in their

image.

EXT.BEACH--DAY

We start on a FULL SHOT of Jay on the beach, looking up, then SNAP ZOOM OUT to

REVEAL Jay kneeling before the beach buried Statue of Liberty, screaming, his arms

raised.

JAY (V.O.)

And only those who outwit those damn dirty apes'll ever remember that it was MAN who

once ruled the earth!

JAY:

(at statue)

YOU MANIACS! DAMN YOUSE!!! GODDAMN YOUSE ALL TO HELL!!!

We DISSOLVE from this image to:

EXT. UTAH ROADSIDE--DAY

Another close-up of Jay's painted face. Behind him, Suzanne and Silent Bob are playing

patty-cake. Jay eyes Suzanne angrily.

JAY:

Not on my watch, motherf***er!

Jay turns and rushes Suzanne, ferociously.

JAY:

DIE, YOU SUPER-MONKEY F***! DIE!!!

Jay trips on a root poking out of the ground and hits the dirt. Suzanne then goes over to

Jay, pulls his face to hers, and kisses him on the lips.

JAY:

Alright--you can live. For now.

Silent Bob helps Jay to his feet.

JAY:

You see that? B*tches love me.

(heading off)

Besides--we're in the f***ing clear, yo. It's not like anyone knows we stole the monkey.

INT.TV NEWS STATION--DAY

An ANCHORMAN addresses the camera.

ANCHORMAN:

I'm Reg Hartner and this is a News Now bulletin. A Provasik animal testing facility in

boulder was the focus of an attack by a terroristic primate rescue syndicate calling

themselves the Coalition for Liberation of Itinerant Tree-Dwellers. Or simply, C.L.I.T.

A graphic of the C.L.I.T. logo appears beside him, nailing home the joke.

ANCHORMAN:

In a videotape sent to authorities this morning, credit for the liberation of an orangutan

from the lab last night is taken by these men--

A VIDEO CAPTURE of JAY and SILENT BOB from pre break--in appears on screen.

ANCHORMAN:

--identified in literature that accompanies the tape as Jay and Silent Bob. In this chilling

clip, they make it very clear that they are in control of the C.L.I.T.

On screen is the C.L.I.T. Logo. A digitized voice narrates.

DIGITIZED VOICE:

We are the C.L.I.T. None of you are safe. Now tremble before the might of our merciless

leader.

The logo gives way to the video of Jay and Bob that Sissy shot before the Provasik break-

in. Jay's yelling into the camera.

JAY:

I AM THE CLIT COMMANDER!!!

Coming out of the video footage, the Anchorman shakes his head, chilled.

ANCHORMAN:

Terrifying. Here to help us understand this footage is Federal Wildlife Marshal

Willenholly.

PULL OUT to reveal Willenholly beside the Anchorman.

ANCHORMAN:

Marshal, what can you tell us about the C.L.I.T.?

WILLENHOLLY:

From the intelligence we've been able to gather, we've discovered that the C.L.I.T. is a

tiny offshoot of the L.A.B.I.A.

ANCHORMAN:

The Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes movement.

WILLENHOLLY:

Exactly. The men you saw in the video are believed to be the masterminds responsible for

the frenzied C.L.I.T. activity last night. They go by the obvious code names "Jay" and

"Silent Bob."

(to camera)

If you should come across them or any other C.L.I.T.-ies, please--exercise extreme

caution.

INT. POTZEK'S INC. OFFICE--NIGHT

On the TV screen is Willenholly and the video capture of Jay and Silent Bob. Holden

looks up from his drawing table, shocked.

ANCHORMAN (O.C.)

(from TV)

Marshal, how do you respond to allegations that Federal Wildlife Marshal's Office

allowed the C.L.I.T. to slip through their fingers?

WILLENHOLLY (O.C.

Nonsense. We're all over the C.L.I.T., Reg.

HOLDEN:

(shakes his head)

Nights like this, I miss dating a lesbian.

INT. QUICK STOP--NIGHT

From behind the register, Dante and Randal stare at the TV, slack-jawed.

ANCHORMAN (O.C.)

(from TV)

Is there also speculation that Jay and Silent bob may be responsible for the Diamond

Exchange jewel heist that occurred in the same vicinity of downtown Boulder last night?

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