Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #11

WILLENHOLLY (O.C.)

There's nothing to suggest that, no. But these men are still to be considered very

dangerous.

RANDAL:

(to Dante)

I told you that restraining order was a good idea.

EXT.SEEDY MOTEL ROOMS--SAME

On the second-floor terrace of a run-down, roadside motel, Sissy, Missy and Chrissy

dance in their undies and drink champagne. On the first floor terrace below, Justice leans

against the open sliding glass door, watching the news report on a TV inside the room

with the volume turned way up.

ANCHORMAN:

(on TV)

Is that your cell phone?

WILLENHOLLY:

(on TV)

Yes, Excuse me.

(on TV, into cell phone)

Federal Wildlife Marshal. I'm on my way!

(shuts phone; to anchorman)

We got 'em. They're in Utah.

(to camera)

Citizens of Utah--steer clear of the C.L.I.T. Stimulation of the C.L.I.T. is not

recommended.

Justice turns the TV off and yells up to Sissy.

JUSTICE:

Your tape worked. The news is all about Jay and Silent Bob's Provasik break-in, with

almost no mention of the Diamond heist.

SISSY:

(yelling down to Justice)

I told you those two were the perfect patsies. Now we lay low for awhile--just in case--

and start planning the next job.

JUSTICE:

Don't you feel any regret? Jay and Bob don't deserve this. They were really sweet.

CHRISSY:

The only thing I regret is not gutting that little trout-mouthed prick like a fish and playing

Twister with his vitals.

MISSY:

You are so nasty.

CHRISSY:

I'll show you nasty, you little slut.

SISSY:

Would you two get a room?

CHRISSY:

Fine--we'll take yours.

(getting up in Sissy's face)

I am gonna stain your sheets, bi-otch.

Chrissy dances away with Missy, heading inside. Sissy rolls her eyes.

SISSY:

Sarah Lawrence girls. Go figure.

JUSTICE:

They're your gang.

SISSY:

Oh and not yours? You know, I don't get you, Justice. You used to be all about the girl

stuff:
stealing, boning, blowing sh*t up. Now you're like this little priss with a

conscience. It's really a f***ing drag.

JUSTICE:

We all gotta grow up some time.

SISSY:

If moping around over some little boy you're crushing on is being grown-up, then pass

me my Wonder Woman underoos.

JUSTICE:

Don't you feel the least bit of guilt for what we did to those guys?

SISSY:

Awww . Does Jussy-wussy feel all dirty about setting up her boyfriend? Then how about

taking a shower?

Sissy dumps the bag of diamonds over the side of the terrace. They rain down on Justice

below. Just then a PIZZA DELIVERY GUY approaches the lower terrace, carrying a

stack of pizzas.

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY

You the gals that ordered the pizzas?

SISSY:

This dopey b*tch ordered the large plain, but I could go for some hot, thick, Sicilian.

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY

No charge, lady.

He rushes into the motel, Justice sighs, looking up at the stars.

JUSTICE:

(quietly)

I'm sorry, Jay.

INT. DINER--DAY

Jay, Silent Bob, and Suzanne sit at a booth, eating. Jay chews a burger while Silent Bob

eats pancakes and Suzanne digs into a banana split.

JAY:

You know, Justice died trying to save this monkey, so maybe we should keep her around.

That way, we can honor her memory.

Silent bob and Suzanne are oblivious, digging into their food.

JAY:

Look at you Tubby B*tches. I'm waxing all sentimental, and you're all about a f***ing

meal and sh*t. Now ain't you glad we stopped to eat? And you were all piss-scared the

cops'd bust us or something. You know what I say?

(singing, a la NWA)

VOICE (O.C.)

(via bullhorn)

THIS IS THE UTAH STATE POLICE! WE KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE COME OUT

WITH YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR, AND SURRENDER THE ORANGUTAN!

Jay and Bob freeze and go wild-eyed for a beat. Then--

JAY:

You think they're talking to us?

EXT. DINER--DAY

There's a few COP CARS outside, and the SHERIFF is yelling at the diner through his

bullhorn. Beside him are the other COPS.

SHERIFF:

YOU HAVE SIXTY SECONDS TO COMPLY.

(to other COPS)

F*** it, Let's give 'em thirty.

Suddenly Willenholly rushes up, dramatically ducking behind the car, gun drawn.

SHERIFF:

The ape.

WILLENHOLLY:

What?

SHERIFF:

An orangutan's a member of the great ape family. It's not a monkey.

WILLENHOLLY:

Look, who's the Federal Wildlife Marshal here?

(into bullhorn)

JAY AND SILENT BOB, THIS IS FEDERAL WILDLIFE MARSHAL

WILLENHOLLY! YOUR C.L.I.T. DOESN'T STAND A CHANCE. SURRENDER

THE MONKEY IMMEDIATELY, AND YOU WON'T GET SHOT!

INT. DINER--DAY

Jay, Suzanne, and Silent Bob peer over the top of their booth, like scared rats.

JAY:

What the f*** are you waiting for? Go out there and give 'em the monkey.

Silent Bob looks to Jay, shocked.

JAY:

Oh, what, man? I said that sh*t before I knew they were gonna shoot us! Yes--Jussy was

a hottie, but I ain't takin' no bullet for no monkey!

Bob pulls Suzanne close to him, welling up with tears. Jay rolls his eyes.

JAY:

Oh, brother--this is like something out of f***ing Benji! Look man, maybe it's not that

bad back at the lab! Maybe they experiment on 'em by, like making 'em f*** a bunch of

different, good-looking monkeys. We don't know! Maybe they got it real sweet!

Suzanne shakes her head "no." Bob points to her, as if she's strengthening his point.

JAY:

(to Suzanne)

You stay out of this, you weepy little chimp!

(looks around thinking)

F*** man, I ain't no strategist! You're the guy that makes the blueprints! I don't even

have the f***ing smarts of a little--

Jay's eyes fall on a scared FAMILY in a nearby booth. There's a little kid (around five or

so), and he's wearing a hooded sweatshirt and a baseball cap.

JAY:

--kid

EXT. DINER--DAY

Willenholly's on the bullhorn, yelling at the diner. The Sheriff looks on.

WILLENHOLLY:

ANYONE NOT HARBORING A FUGITIVE MONKEY BETTER HIT THE DECK!

WE'RE GOING TO OPEN FIRE!

(to cops)

Everyone has bullets in their guns, right?

Jay and Silent Bob emerge from the diner, with Suzanne between them (they're holding

her raised hands). She's now dressed up in the sweatshirt and jeans the kid was wearing

in the diner, with the baseball cap pulled down over her face. It's a pretty piss-poor

disguise.

JAY:

Don't shoot! We're just trying to take our son out of this hostile environment!

From behind the cop car, the Sheriff looks to Willenholly.

SHERIFF:

Their "son"?

WILLENHOLLY:

Maybe they're one of those gay couples?

Jay seizes on the idea. Silent Bob nods fervently.

JAY:

Yeah! We're gay! And this is our adopted love child! We're not from around here! Don't

make us go back to our liberal city home with a tales of prejudice and bigotry in the heart

of Utah!

(whispers to Bob)

You see the sh*t I gotta put up with for you! Now I got this guy thinking I'm gay!

WILLENHOLLY:

Oh God, this is the last thing I need---a bunch of uppity homosexuals shooting their

mouth off in the liberal press that the Federal Wildlife Marshal's Office persecutes gays.

SHERIFF:

ARE YOU F***ING CRAZY! THOSE TWO MAY BE GAY, BUT THAT AIN'T

THEIR SON! THAT'S THE APE!

WILLENHOLLY:

You see this badge? I think I'd recognize an ape if I saw one. And the only thing I do

recognize here is a political fiasco I'm, going to avoid by letting this butt-f***ing Brady

Bunch go!

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