Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #12

Jay is whispering to Silent Bob, still vexed by--

JAY:

And I'll tell you another thing: what if that guy shows up around the stores one day and

starts telling everybody you and me are poo-gilists? How are we gonna get any p*ssy

then, hunh?

WILLENHOLLY (V.O.)

YOU ARE FREE TO LEAVE, SIRS!

Jay and Silent Bob look at each other, shocked. They look back out at Willenholly, who's

yards away. Jay points at himself, as if to say, "Me?"

WILLENHOLLY:

(via bullhorn)

YES, YOU,SIRS.

JAY:

(calling over)

So we can just go?

WILLENHOLLY:

(via bullhorn)

Yes, sir-- or ma'am. Please accept my apologies for detaining you and your unorthodox-

but-constitutionally-protected-family unit.

SHERIFF:

(amazed)

Un-f***ing believable.

JAY:

I'd like to offer a big gay thank-you, sir. We'll tell all our gay friends that Utah is Gay

friendly country for gays who are gay.

WILLENHOLLY:

I'm sure Utah appreciates that. You might also want to make it clear that the Federal

Wildlife Marshal's Office is also pro-'mo as well.

(winks at the sheriff)

And might I add, that's one fine-looking boy you're raising.

JAY:

Well, that's 'cuz he's from my sperm. See, I knocked up a hot woman friend of ours who

I also f*** on the side. So as not to be all-the-way-gay. But my tubby husband here is one

hundred percent queer. He loves the cock.

WILLENHOLLY:

He certainly looks insatiable.

JAY:

'Bye

WILLENHOLLY:

'Bye

Jay, silent Bob and Suzanne head off down the road. Willenholly and all watch them go.

The Sheriff is livid.

WILLENHOLLY:

Well, it's not my way--but damned if there doesn't go one happy family.

(balloon two)

Now, we just shoot some tear gas into that diner, and when the two guys run out with the

monkey, we'll--

Willenholly suddenly freezes, thinking. He looks to the Sheriff.

WILLENHOLLY:

That was the them, wasn't it?

EXT.ROAD--DAY

Jay, Silent Bob and Suzanne are laughing.

JAY:

I said you "love the cock"! I gotta be the craftiest motherf***er alive!

GUNSHOTS RING OUT, and bullets whiz by the trio, who are now in full panic mode.

Willenholly and the Cops race after them, firing.

Jay, Bob and Suzanne race away, ducking bullets.

JAY:

FLEE, FAT-ASS, FLEE!!!

EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

The trio race across what looks like a bridge (but isn't), shots still ringing out. Jay spots a

manhole. He points at it, screaming.

JAY:

HEAD FOR THE SEWERS!

Silent Bob pops the cover off, With bullets ricocheting all around them, Jay leaps into the

manhole.

INT. SEWER TUNNEL

Jay lands in a sewer tunnel (like in The Fugitive). Suzanne lands on top of him.

JAY:

Take your stinking paws off me, you damn dirty ape!

(yelling up)

YO LUNCHBOX! HURRY UP!

EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

Bullets hitting the pavement around him, Silent bob dives into the sewer grate as well,

but--

INT. SEWER TUNNEL

Silent Bob gets stuck. Jay rolls his eyes.

JAY:

You fat f***.

Silent Bob struggles while Jay and Suzanne try to pull him through the hole.

JAY:

You just --had to--order pancakes--didn't ya?

EXT. DAM ROAD--SAME

CLOSER on the running Willenholly and Sheriff.

WILLENHOLLY:

Fire a warning shot into that bulbous ass!

SHERIFF:

One rectal breach, coming up!

INT.SEWER TUNNEL--SAME

Jay and Suzanne pull with all their might. Bob strains.

JAY:

SUCK IT IN! THINK THIN! THINK THIN!!!

EXT.DAM ROAD--SAME

TIGHT on the Sheriff, as he squints to aim.

SHERIFF:

Open up and say "ahhhhh," you stoner sumbitch--

INT.SEWER TUNNEL--SAME

TIGHT on Silent Bob bellowing.

SILENT BOB:

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!

EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

The Sheriff's gun fires.

INT.SEWER TUNNEL--SAME

Jay and Suzanne fall backwards, as Silent Bob pops through.

JAY:

INCOMING!!!

SILENT BOB:

AAAIIIGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

SUZANNE:

OOOOOOOOO!!!

EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

The bullet ricochets off the curb, as Silent Bob's feet slip through.

INT. SEWER TUNNEL--SAME

Jay, Silent Bob, and Suzanne are in various states of collapse. Jay and Bob look up at the

hole.

JAY:

Just like Winnie-the-Pooh.

EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

Willenholly and the Sheriff arrive at the manhole.

WILLENHOLLY:

Wow! That was an incredibly daring escape!

(to Sheriff)

You must see that a lot, hunh?

SHERIFF:

Shut up!

WILLENHOLLY:

Sire, you're very taciturn.

Willenholly starts rolling up his sleeves as the sheriff looks on.

WILLENHOLLY:

You and your men stay up here. When I corner them, I'll call you for back-up.

SHERIFF:

What're you doing? They're trapped. The only way they can get out of there is right here.

WILLENHOLLY:

A Federal Wildlife Marshal doesn't wait for his prey to come to him. He comes to it. Or

goes to it. Is it "comes to it" or "goes to it"?

(shakes it off)

I'm going in there. I'm counting on you Sheriff.

Willenholly embraces the Sheriff.

WILLENHOLLY:

You've taught me so much.

Willenholly then climbs into the sewer, disappearing. The Cops look at the Sheriff for a

beat, who heads O.C. saying--

SHERIFF:

F*** this a**hole. Let's go back to the station and get some donuts.

INT. SEWER TUNNEL--DAY

TIGHT on Jay, Bob, and Suzanne, looking into the distance, bathed by natural light. We

HEAR the loud sounds of water rushing.

JAY:

This reminds me of the night I f***ed your mom, yo. One big-wet, smelly, gaping hole,

and me wishing I had a board tied to my ass--

PULL BACK to reveal Jay, Silent Bob and Suzanne standing at the precipice of the

sewer tunnel that pokes out of a DAM. Water rushed below.

JAY:

--to keep from falling in.

WILLENHOLLY:

PUT THE MONKEY DOWN AND YOUR HANDS UP!

Willenholly aims his gun at the trio's backs.

WILLENHOLLY:

MISTERS, DO YOU WANNA GET SHOT?!?

Our heroes comply, but Jay speaks.

JAY:

LOOK MAN--SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO BACK! THEY'RE EXPERIMENTING

ON HER!

(beat)

AND FOR THE RECORD, I AIN'T REALLY GAY!

WILLENHOLLY:

I DON'T CARE!

(beat)

AND FOR THE RECORD, I KNEW THAT WASN'T REALLY A LITTLE BOY.

JAY:

SURE, FOR ONE MORE RECORD--

(pointing to Silent Bob)

HE LOVES COCK!

WILLENHOLLY:

ON YOUR KNEES!

Jay and Silent Bob face Willenholly and kneel. But Suzanne's still looking out of the

dam.

JAY:

See, man?! He's lining us up like f***ing circus seals! Well, I'm going first--I don't

want no mouthful of monkey-spit when I gotta blow this f***ing G-Man.

TIGHT on Suzanne, who's looking down at the raging water below. Her brow hardens

with purpose.

TIGHT on Suzanne's right hand grabbing Jay's right hand.

TIGHT on Suzanne's left hand grabbing Bob's left hand.

Suzanne leaps forward at us, pulling Jay and Silent Bob backwards.

JAY:

GET OFFA ME!!! GET OFFA ME!!!

EXT. DAM--DAY

Suzanne leaps from the mouth of the tunnel, dragging Jay and Bob with her.

JAY AND BOB:

AAAAIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!

INT.SEWER TUNNEL--DAY

Willenholly goes wide-eyed, holstering his gun.

WILLENHOLLY:

Oh, no--think you can pull a Peter Pan on me?!

He races toward the mouth of the tunnel and leaps out as well.

WILLENHOLLY:

AAAIIIGGGGHHHHH!!!

EXT. DAM--DAY

As Willenholly plummets, he passes Suzanne hanging by her feet off a pipe that pokes

out from beneath the mouth of the tunnel. She's hanging upside down, holding Jay and

Silent Bob's hands.

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