Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #13

JAY:

HEY LAW-DOG! SEE YOU IN HELL, COCK --SMOKER!!!

EXT. DAM BOTTOM--DAY

Willenholly plummets toward the water below and ker-splashes into the drink.

EXT. DAM--DAY

Suzanne has pulled Jay and Silent Bob back into the mouth of the tunnell.

JAY:

You see that sh*t? Damn--remind me not to get on the monkey's bad side. Yo--boost

her up. So we can talk, so we can get the f*** out of here.

Silent Bob lifts Suzanne over the tunnel onto the--

EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

--pavement near the manhole. She sits there, looking down.

EXT.DAM--DAY

Silent Bob lifts Jay over the top of the tunnel toward the road,

EXT. DAM ROAD--DAY

Suzanne sits by the side of the road. A car pulls into the shot.

Jay and Silent Bob climb over the cliff onto the highway just in time to see--

The passenger door slamming on a TRUCK with Los Angeles plates and a sign that reads

CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD. Suzanne is looking out the back window waving.

Jay and Bob leap to their feet, chasing after the truck.

JAY:

HEY! GET THE F*** OFF HER, MAN! THAT'S MY EX-GIRLFRIEND'S

MONKEY?!

The truck speeds away in the distance. Jay and Silent Bob stand there, panting.

JAY:

Man! Who the f*** just steals a monkey?!

Silent Bob indicates themselves.

JAY:

Oh yeah.

(pissed)

Well this f***ing blows! We got one more day to stop those fucks from making that

movie, and someone goes and takes the only thing I had left from the one woman I ever

loved enough NOT to try to stick my hand down her pants!

Silent Bob mimes that they should go after Suzanne.

JAY:

Go after the monkey? How the f*** are we supposed to know where that thing's going?

Silent Bob mimes in the direction the car went. Jay stares at him.

JAY:

What? What is that supposed to mean?! Don't just f***ing point like--

(imitates him)

You ain't the broad in the Children of a Lesser God. Use you f***ing mouth for more

than eating, ya tubby b*tch!

Bob starts an elaborate pantomime. Jay tries to guess what he's saying.

JAY:

You gotta take a sh*t? No--you gotta take a salad? Take a salad? What the f*** are you

trying to say?

Bob's on the verge of tears, trying to mime out his message.

JAY:

JUST F***ING SAY IT ALREADY?!?

Silent Bob grabs Jay and screams into his face.

SILENT BOB:

THE SIGN ON THE BACK OF THE CAR SAID CRITTERS OF HOLLYWOOD, YOU

DUMB F***!!!

Bob releases Jay, breathing heavily and storms off in the direction of the car went. Jay

watched him go for a beat, then follows, muttering under his breath--

JAY:

Say it, don't spray it, b*tch.

EXT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAY

An ESTABLISHING SHOT.

SHERIFF (O.C.)

"And might I add, that's one fine-looking boy you're raising."

INT. SHERIFF'S OFFICE--DAY

The Sheriff and his men stand around, eating donuts, laughing. The Station doors slam

open, and Willenholly enters, soaking wet. All the Cops stare at him.

SHERIFF:

Well, if it isn't the wildlife experts. Did you come to it or go to it?

WILLENHOLLY:

Do you have a microwave here, Sheriff?

SHERIFF:

We have a toaster oven. Why?

WILLENHOLLY:

Because I need to dry my gun out so I can SHOOT YOU WITH IT ! TWICE!

SHERIFF:

This might cheer you up.

(hands him paper)

Your office just faxed this over. Guy there say it's a post from an Internet chat board,

signed by a "Jay and Silent Bob." Your man thinks it's a lead as to where those fellas are

taking the ape.

WILLENHOLLY:

(reading)

"All you motherfuckers are gonna pay. You are the ones who are ball-lickers. We're

gonna f*** your mothers while you watch and cry like little b*tches. Once we get to

Hollywood--"

(looks up)

They're going to Hollywood.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD--MONTAGE

We take a quick visual tour of the city, including the sign, the line of front of Krispy

Kreme, the line in front of Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, the Simpson star in the Walk- of-

Fame, the Rocky and Bullwinkle statue, the Beverly Center, Jerry's Famous Deli, the

Hollywood and Vine sign, Mann's Chinese Theatre, the Star Wars footprints outside of

Mann's, the Chateau Marmont, people on cell phones, Trashy Lingerie. HOOKERS

propositioning a potential JOHN, and finally--

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD--DAY

We start on the street sign, and PAN DOWN to a JEEP WRANGLER that pulls up. A

gorgeous woman in sunglasses drives, with Silent Bob sitting in the back seat. After a

beat, Jay pops up from under the dash, wiping his mouth, looking around. The Woman

sighs, and zips up her pants. Jay and Bob hop out and wave to the Woman as the car pulls

away. Bob offers Jay a look.

JAY:

What? It's not like it's cheating. Justice blew up.

Two HOOKERS approach them.

HOOKER 1

Hey, little man. You want some of this?

HOOKER 2

How about you, Big Boy?

HOOKER 1

If you've got fifty bucks we can get nasty.

JAY:

Oh yeah? How nasty?

HOOKER 2

As nasty as you wanna be, poppie.

JAY:

Alright--first, I'll want to tongue your bung while you juggle my balls in one hand and

play with my a**hole with the other. But don't stick you finger in. Then. I'll wanna pinky

you and put it in your friend's brown, while Silent Bob spanks into a Dixie cup. After

that, I'll wanna smell your titties, for a while, and you can pull my nutsack up over my

dick, so it looks like a Bullfrog. Then I want you to flick at my nuts while your friend

spanks me into the same Dixie cup Silent Bob jizzed in. Then we throw the Dixie cup

out.

The Hookers look at him, dumbfounded, Then--

HOOKER 1

Oh, that's it honey. I quit.

(walking away)

This job just passed the point of no return.

HOOKER 2

(to Jay)

You one f***ed up puppy, poppie.

JAY:

(watching them go)

What?! You said 'nasty'?

(shakes his head; to Bob)

Man, chicks in Hollywood are so stuck up.

EXT. HOLLYWOOD BLVD.--LATER

Jay and Silent Bob walk.

JAY:

Alright, here's the plan: first, we find out where they're shooting that movie at. After we

shut that sh*t down, we can start looking for the monkey. But before we do any of that

sh*t, we gotta find a motherf***er in the know. Someone who's like, the mayor of

Hollywood.

They pass a DEALER leaning against a wall, trying to make a sale.

DEALER:

(subtly)

Crack? You want some crack? Sweet-ass rock. Get you high.

JAY:

No man, but you want some weed?

DEALER:

(beat)

You on the job?

JAY:

(pulling out a card)

Yeah, boy. Jersey Local 408.

CLOSE ON THE CARD.It reads: UNITED JERSEY BROTHERHOOD OF DEALERS,

LOCAL 408. There's a graphic of a stoner beside it.

DEALER:

I'm Los Angeles Local 305!

They shake hands, slapping each other on the back like Union brothers.

DEALER:

You guys got medical in Jersey yet?

JAY:

Sh*t, no, we might have to strike in September.

DEALER:

Norma Rae like a motherf***er. You gots to get your benefits, you know what I'm

saying?

JAY:

I hear that. Yo--maybe you can help us out. You know where they're shooting a movie

around here.

DEALER:

You in this town and you gonna ask that question? Be a little more specific.

JAY:

It's a Miramax flick. We gotta bust it up so people stop calling us names on the Internet,

even though they're not really talking about us but these characters based on us, and at

the same time, find my ex-girlfriend-who-got-killed-in-a-car-explosion's monkey.

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