Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #14

Jay exhales. The Dealer stares at him for a beat.

DEALER:

I don't know that the f*** you just said, little kid. But you touched a brother's heart, so

I'm gonna help you out with some directions to the studio.

JAY:

You know where Miramax is at?

DEALER:

F***, yes. Miramax accounts for seventy-eight percent of my business.

INT. E! ENTERTAINMENT NEWS--DAY

After E! news logo plays. CUT TO STEVE KMETKO in studio.

STEVE KMETKO:

Is Hollywood ready for Jay and Silent Bob? A source at the Federal Wildlife Marshal's

Office tells us a posting was pulled off an Internet movie chat board that was allegedly

written by the two domestic terrorists themselves. It's sending a shockwave through

Hollywood. Jules Asner's on the scene at Miramax Studios, Jules?

Jules Asner is in front of the Miramax Studios main gate.

JULES ASNER:

Steve, the tenor of Tinseltown is one of terror today, after the Federal Wildlife Marshal's

Office learned that hot, new terrorists Jay and Silent Bob are targeting Miramax Studios

for their next campaign of blood, violence and monkey-theft. In the posting, pulled off

Movie Poop Shoot.com, the gruesome twosome threatened, quote--

(reading)

"Once we get to Hollywood and find those Miramax Expletive-Deleted who are making

the Bluntman and Chronic movie, we're gonna make 'em eat our Expletive-Deleted, then

Expletive-Deleted, which is made up of our Expletive-Deleted, then eat their Expletive-

Deleted, which is made up of our Expletive-Deleted that we made 'em eat. Unquote. So

far, we haven't been able to get a statement from anyone here are the studio.

BACK TO STEVE in the E! Studio.

STEVE:

Jules, word has it that Ben Affleck and Matt Damon are on the lot, shooting a super-

secret project. Have you seen then roaming around?

BACK TO JULES at Miramax Studios.

JULES:

No,Steve. But I did see Casey Affleck buying a soda at a concession stand earlier.

STEVE:

But no sign of Jay and Silent Bob?

JULES:

None whatsoever. However, to be fair, all the feds have to work with is murky videotape,

so no one's even a hundred percent sure what Jay and Silent Bob look like, exactly. For

all we know, they could already be on the lot.

As Jules speaks, Jay and Bob walk into the frame behind her, looking up at the studio

sign. They then notice the camera and start waving behind Jules.

INT. SEEDY MOTEL ROOM--DAY

Justice goes wide-eyed, seeing Jay and Bob on E! She hops out of her seat.

JUSTICE:

Oh my God! Jay! No!

Justice looks around , panicky. Her eyes fall on--

The diamonds, sitting atop the satchel on the table.

Justicelooks at the diamonds, then the TV screen. She thinks for a beat, then--

JUSTICE:

F*** it.

She pours the diamonds into the satchel, and shoves it in her pocket.

INT. SEEDY MOTEL BEDROOM--DAY

The door slowly opens in the dark bedroom, and Justice crawls to the bedside table,

reaching for a set of keys. In the bed, Missy and Chrissy make out under the sheets,

moaning. Sissy's banging the Pizza Delivery Guy against the vanity.

Justice grabs the keys, leaving a note in their place. As she crawls back out, we PUSH IN

on the note, which reads: SORRY, GUYS--BUT I LOVE HIM.

EXT. SEEDY MOTEL PARKING LOT--DAY

The convertible skids out, taking off.

INT. SEEDY MOTEL HALLWAY--DAY

There's a loud scream, then Sissy, Missy, and Chrissy rush down the stairs ( in varied

states of undress and sheet-wrap). Wiping their mouths. Sissy holds Justices's note.

SISSY:

That b*tch! That f***ing, f***ing b*tch!!!

(to girls)

Get dressed. We're going after her.

CHRISSY:

F*** that, I didn't get to cum yet.

SISSY:

Which is more important to you: a fortune in diamonds or busting a nut?

Sissy and Missy race back up the stairs. Chrissy stands there still, shrugs, then digs her

hand into her panties.

SISSY (O.C.)

Chrissy! Now!

CHRISSY:

F***--

Chrissy races back up the stairs.

EXT. MIRAMAX STUDIOS-DAY

The E! NEWS CREW packs up. Jay and Silent Bob study the main gate. They watch the

SECURITY GUARD approach a car that's just pulled up. The Guard checks the driver's

pass, then lifts the gate to let the car through. Jay looks to Bob.

JAY:

We gotta play this right.

Bob nods, After a beat, the pair tear-ass past the guard booth. The GUARD leaps out of

the booth, blowing a whistle and giving chase.

EXT. STUDIO LOT--DAY

Jay and Bob race around the building toward what looks like an open alley then smash

into it, falling down. The open alley is a background painting that's being moved by

some SCENICS. Jay and Bob get up, shaking off the impact.

JAY:

I hate how fake Hollywood is.

The SECURITY GUARD catches up to them now, grabbing them by their shoulders,

spinning them around.

SECURITY GUARD:

Where do you think you're going?

JAY:

GET OFFA ME! RAAAAAPE!!!

SECURITY GUARD:

This is L.A., sir. We don't rape our suspects in custody. We just beat them.

(into walkie-talkie)

Echo Base, I've got a ten-o-seven here: two unauthorizeds on the lot. Request back-up.

VOICE:

(from walkie-talkie)

I thought that was a ten-eighty-two.

SECURITY GUARD:

No, sir--a ten-eight-two is the code for vanishing a dead hooker from Ben Affleck's

trailer.

VOICE:

(from walkie-talkie)

Oh, that Affleck. Backup on the way.

JAY:

Hey! I make you a deal: this guy'll suck your dick off if you let us go!

SECURITY GUARD:

Contrary to what you believe, not everyone in the movie business is gay.

JAY:

Well, how about this deal: he sucks my dick while you watch and jerk off.

The Security Guard stops, looks around, then releases them, reaching into his pants.

SECURITY GUARD:

Alright. But make is fast. And sexy.

Silent Bob looks at Jay, wide-eyed and scared.

JAY:

Dude, it's either this or jail. And you know what they make you do in jail.

Silent Bob wells up with tears, slowly dropping to his knees, reaching for Jay's pants.

The Security guard bends down low to watch at crotch- level. Suddenly, Jay hammers his

two fists into the Security Guard's neck, knocking him out. Silent Bob falls into a sitting

position on the ground, relieved. Jay looks at him.

JAY:

Well what are you waiting for, b*tch? Start sucking. Bunnggg!

(looking around)

Alright--where they shooting this movie at?

Silent Bob points behind Jay, at the SOUNDSTAGE they're in front of. There's a LINE

OF PEOPLE waiting at the door.

JAY:

Worth a shot. Like a shot in the mouth, you gay b*tch. Eww, dude--you were really

gonna suck my dick.

Silent Bob shakes his head "no," wide-eyed as Jay heads off. When Jay's out of frame,

Silent bob shrugs like, "Yeah--I guess I was."

EXT. SOUNDSTAGE--DAY

Jay and Bob approach the line, as an A.D. calls out to the crowd.

A.D.

Alright--bar extras. Follow me.

The A.D. starts leading the crowd in. Jay and Bob blend in and follow inside.

EXT. HIGHWAY--DAY

An official-looking car tears down the road.

INT. CAR--SAME

Willenholly drives, dialing his cell phone.

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