Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back Page #15

PHONE VOICE:

Federal Bureau of Investigation

WILLENHOLLY:

Yes, this is Federal Wildlife Marshal Willenholly. Can I speak with Agent Sid Enmarty,

please?

PHONE VOICE:

One moment, please.

INT. AGENT ENMARTY'S OFFICE--SAME

AGENT SID ENMARTY works at his desk.

SPEAKER VOICE:

Agent Enmarty? A Marshal Willenholly calling.

AGENT SID:

(perking up)

Holy sh*t! Yeah, put him through.

(calling off)

YO! INCOMING B*TCH BOY PHONER!

Two other AGENTS rush in, chuckling. All gather around the phone as Sid presses the

speaker button.

AGENT SID:

Willenholly?

BEGIN CROSS-CUTTING WITH WILLENHOLLY.

WILLENHOLLY:

Sid? Hey, buddy. I'm calling because I could really use your help on this killer case I'm

working.

AGENT SID:

I'll bet, Will. What's it this time/ Beaver trouble? Some kind of unauthorized marsupial

trafficking?

The agents crack up, stifling their laughter.

WILLENHOLLY:

(taking it in stride)

No, no--nothing like that. Say--there aren't other people listening in, are there?

AGENT SID:

No way, man. It's just me and you talking here.

WILLENHOLLY:

Good. I'm tracking a monkey down that's on it's way to Los Angeles, and I could use

some bureau backup.

AGENT SID:

Los Angeles, hunh? Maybe we should stake out Clint Eastwood's place. Didn't he used

to drive around with a monkey that'd punch people and drink beer?

The Agents crack up. Willenholly's catching on.

WILLENHOLLY:

Am, uh -- Am I on speaker phone?

AGENT SID:

No way--Dunston!

WILLENHOLLY:

Alright, now that's not fair. I know I didn't make it as high up as you guys, but my job's

just as important.

AGENT SID:

Calm down, Will. Don't go all . . bananas on us!

The Agents crack up even more, Willenholly's pissed.

WILLENHOLLY:

I come to you as a friend--as a fellow professional--and this is the sh*t I get?!

AGENT SID:

You're right, Will. Tell you what--we'll get our best man on your case right away. You

might've heard of him. He's a doctor.

WILLENHOLLY:

(excited)

Oh, a doctor?

AGENT SID:

His name's Doctor Zaius!

The Agents laugh hysterically, pounding the desk, Willenholly tears up, enraged.

WILLENHOLLY:

SCREW YOU GUYS!

Willenholly throws his cell phone across the car, the mocking laughter still emitting from

it. Willenholly cries.

EXT.MIRAMAX STUDIOS LOT--DAY

The Red Light FLASHES outside the soundstage.

INT. SOUNDSTAGE--SAME

Jay and silent Bob stand amidst a line of EXTRAS. Silent Bob looks O.C. goes wide-

eyed, and pokes Jay, pointing O.C. Jay looks and sees--

A COLLEGE BAR set that looks like the College Bar from Good Will Hunting,

complete with CLARK (the stuffy college jerk). MATT DAMON stands off to the side,

loosening up for the scene. BEN AFFLECK calls to the O.C. DIRECTOR.

BEN:

Where are we taking it from, Gus?

Gus Van Sant sits off to the side, counting a stack of money. He just shrugs.

GUS:

I'm busy.

BEN:

You're a true artist, Gus

MATT:

Just take it from "It's a good course."

BEN:

Oh, now you're the director.

MATT:

Hey, shove it. Bounce-boy. Let's remember who talked who into doing this sh*t in the

first place. Talking me into Dogma was one thing, but this--

BEN:

I'm sorry this is taking you away from whatever-gay-killers-on-horses-who-like-to-play-

golf-touchy-feely-flick you're supposed to be doing this week.

MATT:

Oh--I'm touchy-feely? I take it you never saw Forces of Nature?

BEN:

You're like a child. What've I been telling you? Sometimes you've gotta do the safe

picture. Sometimes, you do it for art. Sometimes, it's the payback picture your friend says

you owe him--

They take a beat and look at the camera. Then--

BEN:

And sometimes, you go back to the well.

MATT:

And sometimes, you do Reindeer Games.

BEN:

Now that's just mean.

Jay turns excitedly to Bob.

JAY:

This has gotta be the Bluntman Flick, 'cause that's those two fucks from that Mork

movie! Now all we gotta do is figure out a way to get close to them--

The A.D. grabs Jay and Bob by the arms and drags them onto the set, placing them near

Ben and Matt in the scene.

A.D.

Just stand there and react. Don't say anything.

Bob goes a little wide-eyed. Jay smiles at him.

JAY:

(off A.D.'s comment)

That's pretty funny.

A.D.

(calling out)

Alright, people. Lock it up. Let's go for picture.

Jay and Bob eye Ben and Matt fiercely, Ben and Matt are oblivious.

JAY:

On the count of three, we rush those fucks and beat the sh*t out of 'em. 'Cause if they're

all f***ed up, they can't make the move, right? Alright, then. One--two--

CLAPPER/LOADER O.C.

Good Will Hunting Two: Hunting Season.

Jay and Bob freeze and look at each other, then O.C.

The Clapper/Loader holds a clapboard in front of Ben's face. It does indeed, read: Good

Will Hunting 2:
Hunting Season.

CLAPPER/LOADER

Scene sixteen, take five.

The Clapper/Loader claps the board closed and races off. Ben looks to Gus.

BEN:

Action, Gus?

Gus looks up from counting his money.

GUS:

Jesus, Ben--I said I'm busy.

Ben shakes his head and then starts the scene with CLARK.

BEN/CHUCKIE

You should check it out, it's a good course. But, you know, frankly, I found the class

rather elementary.

CLARK:

You know, I don't doubt that it was. I remember that class. It was just between recess and

lunch.

BEN/CHUCKIE

Are we gonna have a problem, again?

CLARK:

There's no problem. I was still just hoping you might give me some insight into the

evolution of the market economy in the Southern Colonies. See, Wood says--

MATT/WILL

(stepping in)

What'd I say? Didn't I say you'd be back here regurgitating Gordon Wood. But you

forgot about Vickers--

CLARK:

No, I just read Vickers, so I'm up on inherited wealth, Hunting. But you're not the angry,

brilliant young mind you once were, just itching to vent your frustrations.

In the background, Jay and Silent Bob get bored and head out of the shot. After a beat,

they get pushed back in by the A.D.

CLARK:

Once Sean told you it wasn't your fault, you lost the edge, William. You stopped hitting

the books with a vengeance, and now I've read sh*t you haven't even heard about yet.

Face facts, my friend--love made you a soft little p*ssy boy, unable to stand up to an

academic showdown, like you used to. You're just no longer that good--Will Hunting.

(gets in his face)

Now how do you like them apples?

Matt/Will turns away angrily, facing Ben/Chuckie, looking downwards, steaming.

BEN/CHUCKIE

I don't like the sound of them apples. Will, what're we gonna do now?

MATT/WILL

Chuckie--

(snarling)

It's Hunting season.

Matt/Will spins to face Clark with two huge guns in his hands. He blows Clark away, Jay

and Bob hit the deck. Matt/Will stands there, guns smoking.

BEN/CHUCKIE

Apple sauce, b*tch.

Suddenly the door to the soundstage swings open, and the Security guard Jay knocked

out rushes in, followed by other SECURITY GUARDS who comb the place.

SECURITY GUARD:

Sorry to interrupt, sirs, but have a ten-oh-seven on our hands.

BEN:

Wait a second! I wasn't with any hookers today!

The Security Guard sees Jay and Bob crouched behind Ben, He points, screaming.

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